I Won't Back Down..Beacuse .....YOU Matter,.

I responded to a post titled "Another Ad" written NWFlman. What I was trying to get across with my comments was the following:

I wanted the commenters to be aware of the defeated attitude they were displaying. That they were giving up, before the fight even started. They were depriving themselves, before they even tried.

I was encouraging them to make this video. Make a video, that they would like to have received. They don't have to give the video to anyone, but at least have the fun of creating one. I was trying to get a little spice back in their life. I was trying to get the fight back into their heart.

For a lot of various reasons, people are stuck in a dead marriage but in order to eventually leave; all of you need to get your attitude in shape. When your in such a depressing long term situation, the longer your there, the farther down the hole you slip. I am trying to give you ways of crawling out of there.

I am suggesting little ways of getting you to feel sexy.  I am suggesting little ways to get the twinkle back in your eye and heart. Sex is all about attitude. It is a sort of swagger. What I see when I read the comments to 'Another Ad', is someone walking away with their head down  after yet again another lost battle. I am trying to get you to walk tall, dressed fit to kill, and be an eye opener. I am trying to get the person that is inside you to be visible. You have given up way more that you realize .Look in the mirror, and really look this time, and you will see what I am saying.

There is no sexual intimacy in your life, but that does not mean you're not a sexual person. And so you need to get back to where you were, when you behaved with confidence, about who you were what you were about. Initially, it will be a sort of pretend attitude, because you have to relearn body language. But you need to get your confidence back, your self assurance back. Regaining confidence in your self, will allow you to at least deal with your present situation with a stronger presence. You're not stuck being the 90 pound weakling fighting someone twice your size. It evens out the playing field. It will allow you to confront your marriage with a stronger attitude, and confidence, and that is.....HUGE !!

.All of these suggestions that I am offering are what I used to get out of my dead marriage. They are what I used to start to believe in my self, and get to the point of really seeing where I was, and getting my self sorted out, and having the strength to take action. The starting point, was me, seeing me as I really was. I was looking at my behavior and my attitude, my body language, and then doing something about it, to present me the way I really should be. I needed to be a person walking tall, head up, looking people in the eye.

neuilly neuilly
61-65, F
10 Responses Nov 7, 2012

Great story
not just in terms of marriage but in terms of any negative situation a person finds themselves in.

Doing little things for yourself does truly help,and change the way you see things..I still have work to do,but believing that I am worth the extra effort helps more than I can say..Great Post !

thank you..and as long as you keep yourself motivated, and have a clear idea of the life you want and need, you will get there.

I did not see Neuilly's post to NWFLman, but this is a subject about which I feel passionate. The loss of my sexual self-esteem was a major contributing factor to me remaining in this marriage as long as I had. Had I believed that anyone would find me attractive, I would have been gone years ago.

Poco, you are fortunate that you know you are hot; most of us here do not...we have long forgotten (and I can say this with certainty, after having been an active member of the ILIASM community for more than two years). How does one get this feeling back?

For me, I actually had to go out and have sex to find this out. Affairs have helped me see that I am, in fact, HOT. I have seen how I make men react, and there is no doubt that I am attractive and "sex-worthy". In all other areas of my life, I am convinced of my worth...but this one BIG elephant in the room overshadowed the rest. It can manifest itself as actual "physical" damage.

Most folks here would see a string of affairs as an extreme response to the sexlessness situation; I admit it's not for everyone. Neuilly gives you an alternative. And yes, I did some of these things (short of the video) before I "put myself out there". It's more empowering than you would imagine.

You are all hot and attractive from the moment you wake up in the AM. Just sayinnnn.... ;-)

I know..Mary. for me, .it was as if I absolutely was blind, I had no idea about me at all.I absolutely assumed it all was because of me..I felt like i was a part of untouchable caste in indian society. I was very introverted..I was embarrassed, and just felt that i had really not much to offer about anything.

Hell, no, Ambrose! I am a large-sized woman with morning breath...and I snore. That's the point. I have two lovers who melt at the sight of me. Other ILIASM members i've met IRL have said I ooze sex. The point is, if I can be sexy...anyone can be. Plus, attraction is a funny thing...I have found many men who are attracted to me...unlike my husband, who is not. I can be more objective about my husband's lack of attraction to me becuse I know that to some others, I AM attractive.

Well, as the saying goes, "size doesn't matter" lol

Mary..exactly. because when a person has this inner knowledge of "i am woth being with," you are dealing with the problem from an entirely different stance, in a lot of different ways..Your still in the marraige. but you are not a woman in tears, all crumpled on the floor. Your a force that gets respect, and that is entirely different and amazing turn of events.And I know that not everybody has the opportunity to leave their sexless marriage. And many will be stuck there for a long time.To cope with that, to deal with that, you need inner strength. You need to know what your about, and what you will need to do to get through this, and somehow, still have a life . And you need to have a life that your not going to look back on with regret. regret about a life you lost, and now only regrets filled with..".if only"

Maryryan, I wish I knew of an answer that fits all. It's painful to realize that some have lived such fragile lives that they now search for "empowerment" from external sources - something that isn't a realistic goal.

Power is something that is always taken or won. It is never given. If someone says they are giving you power what you're actually left holding is a bag of responsibility, not power. Don't fall for it.

Do whatever is necessary to give yourself control over what you want back. If it's something as simple as wearing makeup or making a video consider yourself lucky. All I know is that for myself those solutions are laughable. There isn't a human alive that can take my self esteem let alone my sad sack of a husband.

I know I'm stuck in a stupid situation due to my own unwillingness to go into hiding from a man who has threatened my life in the past if I leave. For years my own need to succeed forced my parasitic marriage into the shadows. I worked, I ignored the problems. Now that I'm preparing to retire - well, the emptiness that was filled by career has turned into the abyss.

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I remember thinking, when looking in a mirror in the days when we had even "pretend" sex (pretend on his part) thinking, "You're pretty."

I can't even look in a mirror anymore.

I know..but that is why you absolutely DO need to look in the mirror, and recalim yourself..it is NOT about you, and never was. Your partner made a decision without your input and without your consent, and now you need to get on your feet and get yourself back together, and decide how you want to deal with that.in a way,that keeps you whole..You have to be smart. You have to be protective of yourself spirtually, emotionally economically.. You have a lot of work to do.

Neuilly, your post was a really important one. tthetree and Fool's post here prove it. And if people knew what you went through to get to where you are now...

thank you..but if my words can get to someone not yet where they need to be...well then we are able to really offer a helping hand up.

I think you are doing a great service, N.

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I didn't see the original post, but I really like what you have to say A LOT! Sexuality really is a SWAG as they say. I was wondering what that shirt meant all summer long down on the boardwalk! lol I finally asked someone in a mall, and the lady told me SWAG was short for swagger, or like an air of confidence. Great story, my friend! I think I rated it up a couple of times lol

well swagger matters, attitude matters. it's about how you face the day. do you face it with your head hanging down?. or are you straight and tall with a twinkle in your eye? a combination of liitle bit sassy, and a lot of optimism, and confidence about who you are , where your going, and what you're about..

Let me go run to the men's room and see if my eyes are twinkling! ;-)

I know what you mean, I have had my "head down, tail between the legs" kind of days!

everybody does..but we don't want a lifetime of this..and sadly, that happens

I know! I'm in one of those myself right now. It's very hard...

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I saw that thread sister N.

Got the clear impression that the posters to your comment did so without bothering to have a look at your back stories to get a context to what you were saying. Had they done that rudimentary check, seen your credibility to meaningfully comment from a basis of knowledge, the responses may have been very different.

Tread your own path.

well, but that is how ILSMG works..It is a continuous wheel of newcomers..the stories the same, the pain is the same, just different names, different locations. And so people are just too caught up in the swirling mess of their life. They are stunned and what is happening, struggling to sort out why them? They have a lot of questions and no answers..And the minute, someone here speaks differently from what they expected..they are on the defense..Thay assume this person know squat..They are just spent, and don't have the patience..I was there , and I understand that. But i also know this: what I am telling them , what I am sharing, is exactly what what people told me when I got here. And it took me awhile to listen, but once i did. i was able to see things differently..I did a 180, and that transformation allowed me to ask a lot of different questions from an entirely different point of view. But to do that you have to get off of the litany of what you don't have and get on to ..OK..so now what? ..what are my options? and how can I realsitcally piece myself back together? And how do get some kind of a real life going on here?

Good advice .. Going to make a video!! Started wearing makeup at work .. Have gorgeous sexy underwear.. And now I flirt a bit.. Just for fun.. Yes it is a great feeling to know you are alive!

Certainly my dress code has been taking a nose dive the last three years, but I am comfy and I dress only for myself (as long as cops don't haul me away). And a close colleague just told me my body language is "intimidating". So I guess I am all set. Now if only I had a little more hair left...

hmmm.....wigs are in...

Every single comic shows the wig flying off when the wearer "blows his top". I will pass.

LOL..well i guess you have a point..and certainly if a person is wearing a wig...then driving around in a bright red convertable is a bit of a problem!!! Not exactly the look your after.

Please don't fall on your sword for me. I refuse to be responsible for your martyrdom. I suggest you read the recent "Red Flags" post as you're waving a large one right now.

nope..i am not falling on my sword..may trip on it though.., so I am very careful.

My attitude , is I have been there, and i know that there are little things that you can do, that on the surface, seem like nothing, and yet, they accomplish a lot..and so just doing something for fun, or dressing sexy, it just kind of gets the ball rolling, and starts a whole series of doors opening, and we advance forward in our journey.

Exactly. I see the same thing. People declaring that they'd love someone to find them sexually attractive again, but then just assuming that no-one will want them. They've been rejected for years, they're bound to think like this. It's next to impossible to be rational on this matter after that kind of beating. The reality is that there are plenty of normal, single people in every age group who enjoy sex and would be happy to meet them. It's not a desert out there. That's not to say they'll meet their dreamboat, but they definitely won't if they stay stuck where they are.

All I see are assumptions. I have NO difficulty dealing with someone who finds me sexy or desirable - it occurs fairly frequently. I'm hot. Always have been. Always intend to be.

Yes, it's possible I'm projecting - it's certainly how I felt while I was in my SM. I'm fairly sure that I'm seeing comments that indicate a lot of people in this community, stuck in SMs, feel that they're trapped and unlikely to experience a normal sex life again. But it may be in my head. Glad to hear you're doing well.

Yes, I believe you are correct that the majority here feel trapped - most due to fears of the unknown or fear in general. Not everyone here has that problem. Some are trapped by duty and loyalty. Some by finances. Still others for their own private reason. I enjoy reading all advice and only find it disturbing when someone specifically points to me and pronounces that I must have the same feelings that they have otherwise I am either ignorant of myself or lying. That "my way is the only way" attitude torques my jawbone more than a little bit.

There is a world of difference between "needing someone to desire you" as many state here and those of us missing the physical comfort of a normal sexual relationship. My husband honestly needs me to desire him. That need doesn't change that he's a refuser nor make him wish for sexual contact.

My trap started out mainly as loyalty, but by the end my confidence was at a pretty low ebb. Even though women would occasionally show interest, it stopped having any impact on my feeling undesirable - I guess my situation just ground me down to the point that I wasn't able to view this stuff rationally any more.

but, sadly, that is what happens, and so then we have to pick ourselves up, and rebuild our self esteem. and it takes awhile to really start to believe , that someone really would find you desirable. this does not happen over night. But when it does happen, the progress goes quickly.

tthetree - I suspect there's real physical damage caused by repeated rejection trauma. About a year and a half ago I had to review a significant amount of information on TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) and PTSD studies of recent war veterans. The studies did statistical reviews of various therapies. Medical, music, herbal, diet, physical (exercise and sex). The greatest changes came about through music and sex therapy, with exercise a runner up. Measurable damage reduction was found in affected areas of the brain. My own brain noticed the results and said AHA!

I started listening to music - vibrant music. I started piano lessons, exercising more and taking care of that other therapy. :-) I have no way of proving neural changes have taken place but I know I am not the person I was 18 months ago. Psychologically I'm probably close to where I was before getting into this mess - huge strides in a very short time. I suggest the same therapies to anyone in this type of situation. You may be surprised at how quickly the "you" and esteem comes back.

To answer neuilly, it took me a little over four months to get my head together and go out there and risk rejection (during this period I'd even ignored an advance from a stranger while on travel, because of years of ingrained behaviour from my 'loyalty' period). When I finally did take the plunge, I discovered a world of normal people, who behaved pretty much how I remembered they did in my youth. I described it to one lover who asked, as my wife having managed to instill the "that's how people behave while they're young and in college" idea into me. Of course it's bullsh1t. This is how adults behave. And you're right, I quickly got used to it. That's not to say that everyone's fantastic, deeply caring and a great human being, they're not, but it sure beats a SM (to be honest, having your teeth filled is more fun than an SM...).

To PocoSostenuto7: I'm a big believer in listening to what your body (mind, heart) says it wants. So what you've written definitely strikes a chord. After coming out of the 'done but frozen' period, I began pursuing sex and listening to music far more (the former's an obvious, any sex would count as 'far more'). And yes, it really did help. I'm also with you that being miserable for prolonged periods changes your thinking, whether that's chemistry, learnt responses, neural pathways, whatever. This experience messes with your brain. I'm at the one year mark, I'm not there yet, the wounds still hurt, but I'm healing.

To tthetree - it's comforting to hear that there is still "normal" in the real world.

As one who's always been ambivalent about music I did not honestly anticipate the changes to my thought patterns and responses that occurred once included in my daily routine -- not to replace the personal loss incurred by a SM but to provide protection from further physical damage. This minor lifestyle adjustment has made a huge difference in my life. In addition I've recently noticed he can't hurt me anymore. Now it's my turn.

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