I Won't Back Down..Beacuse .....YOU Matter,.

ohh..maybe we either need a little rum.....or maybe we had a tad too much...hmmm

thank you..and as long as you keep yourself motivated, and have a clear idea of the life you want and need, you will get there.

You are all hot and attractive from the moment you wake up in the AM. Just sayinnnn.... ;-)

I know..Mary. for me, .it was as if I absolutely was blind, I had no idea about me at all.I absolutely assumed it all was because of me..I felt like i was a part of untouchable caste in indian society. I was very introverted..I was embarrassed, and just felt that i had really not much to offer about anything.

Hell, no, Ambrose! I am a large-sized woman with morning breath...and I snore. That's the point. I have two lovers who melt at the sight of me. Other ILIASM members i've met IRL have said I ooze sex. The point is, if I can be sexy...anyone can be. Plus, attraction is a funny thing...I have found many men who are attracted to me...unlike my husband, who is not. I can be more objective about my husband's lack of attraction to me becuse I know that to some others, I AM attractive.

Well, as the saying goes, "size doesn't matter" lol

Mary..exactly. because when a person has this inner knowledge of "i am woth being with," you are dealing with the problem from an entirely different stance, in a lot of different ways..Your still in the marraige. but you are not a woman in tears, all crumpled on the floor. Your a force that gets respect, and that is entirely different and amazing turn of events.And I know that not everybody has the opportunity to leave their sexless marriage. And many will be stuck there for a long time.To cope with that, to deal with that, you need inner strength. You need to know what your about, and what you will need to do to get through this, and somehow, still have a life . And you need to have a life that your not going to look back on with regret. regret about a life you lost, and now only regrets filled with..".if only"

Maryryan, I wish I knew of an answer that fits all. It's painful to realize that some have lived such fragile lives that they now search for "empowerment" from external sources - something that isn't a realistic goal.

Power is something that is always taken or won. It is never given. If someone says they are giving you power what you're actually left holding is a bag of responsibility, not power. Don't fall for it.

Do whatever is necessary to give yourself control over what you want back. If it's something as simple as wearing makeup or making a video consider yourself lucky. All I know is that for myself those solutions are laughable. There isn't a human alive that can take my self esteem let alone my sad sack of a husband.

I know I'm stuck in a stupid situation due to my own unwillingness to go into hiding from a man who has threatened my life in the past if I leave. For years my own need to succeed forced my parasitic marriage into the shadows. I worked, I ignored the problems. Now that I'm preparing to retire - well, the emptiness that was filled by career has turned into the abyss.

I know..but that is why you absolutely DO need to look in the mirror, and recalim yourself..it is NOT about you, and never was. Your partner made a decision without your input and without your consent, and now you need to get on your feet and get yourself back together, and decide how you want to deal with that.in a way,that keeps you whole..You have to be smart. You have to be protective of yourself spirtually, emotionally economically.. You have a lot of work to do.

Neuilly, your post was a really important one. tthetree and Fool's post here prove it. And if people knew what you went through to get to where you are now...

thank you..but if my words can get to someone not yet where they need to be...well then we are able to really offer a helping hand up.

I think you are doing a great service, N.

well swagger matters, attitude matters. it's about how you face the day. do you face it with your head hanging down?. or are you straight and tall with a twinkle in your eye? a combination of liitle bit sassy, and a lot of optimism, and confidence about who you are , where your going, and what you're about..

Let me go run to the men's room and see if my eyes are twinkling! ;-)

I know what you mean, I have had my "head down, tail between the legs" kind of days!

everybody does..but we don't want a lifetime of this..and sadly, that happens

I know! I'm in one of those myself right now. It's very hard...

well, but that is how ILSMG works..It is a continuous wheel of newcomers..the stories the same, the pain is the same, just different names, different locations. And so people are just too caught up in the swirling mess of their life. They are stunned and what is happening, struggling to sort out why them? They have a lot of questions and no answers..And the minute, someone here speaks differently from what they expected..they are on the defense..Thay assume this person know squat..They are just spent, and don't have the patience..I was there , and I understand that. But i also know this: what I am telling them , what I am sharing, is exactly what what people told me when I got here. And it took me awhile to listen, but once i did. i was able to see things differently..I did a 180, and that transformation allowed me to ask a lot of different questions from an entirely different point of view. But to do that you have to get off of the litany of what you don't have and get on to ..OK..so now what? ..what are my options? and how can I realsitcally piece myself back together? And how do get some kind of a real life going on here?

This made me giggle.

hmmm.....wigs are in...

Every single comic shows the wig flying off when the wearer "blows his top". I will pass.

LOL..well i guess you have a point..and certainly if a person is wearing a wig...then driving around in a bright red convertable is a bit of a problem!!! Not exactly the look your after.

Had that experience when I was playing around with a certain free dating website that calls for bait. If you know what I mean. She insisted on driving her convertible, her hair blew off, and almost caused an accident when she went the wrong way on a major highway to pick it up.

See that crazy sun.

nope..i am not falling on my sword..may trip on it though.., so I am very careful.

My attitude , is I have been there, and i know that there are little things that you can do, that on the surface, seem like nothing, and yet, they accomplish a lot..and so just doing something for fun, or dressing sexy, it just kind of gets the ball rolling, and starts a whole series of doors opening, and we advance forward in our journey.

All I see are assumptions. I have NO difficulty dealing with someone who finds me sexy or desirable - it occurs fairly frequently. I'm hot. Always have been. Always intend to be.

Yes, it's possible I'm projecting - it's certainly how I felt while I was in my SM. I'm fairly sure that I'm seeing comments that indicate a lot of people in this community, stuck in SMs, feel that they're trapped and unlikely to experience a normal sex life again. But it may be in my head. Glad to hear you're doing well.

Yes, I believe you are correct that the majority here feel trapped - most due to fears of the unknown or fear in general. Not everyone here has that problem. Some are trapped by duty and loyalty. Some by finances. Still others for their own private reason. I enjoy reading all advice and only find it disturbing when someone specifically points to me and pronounces that I must have the same feelings that they have otherwise I am either ignorant of myself or lying. That "my way is the only way" attitude torques my jawbone more than a little bit.

There is a world of difference between "needing someone to desire you" as many state here and those of us missing the physical comfort of a normal sexual relationship. My husband honestly needs me to desire him. That need doesn't change that he's a refuser nor make him wish for sexual contact.

My trap started out mainly as loyalty, but by the end my confidence was at a pretty low ebb. Even though women would occasionally show interest, it stopped having any impact on my feeling undesirable - I guess my situation just ground me down to the point that I wasn't able to view this stuff rationally any more.

but, sadly, that is what happens, and so then we have to pick ourselves up, and rebuild our self esteem. and it takes awhile to really start to believe , that someone really would find you desirable. this does not happen over night. But when it does happen, the progress goes quickly.

tthetree - I suspect there's real physical damage caused by repeated rejection trauma. About a year and a half ago I had to review a significant amount of information on TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) and PTSD studies of recent war veterans. The studies did statistical reviews of various therapies. Medical, music, herbal, diet, physical (exercise and sex). The greatest changes came about through music and sex therapy, with exercise a runner up. Measurable damage reduction was found in affected areas of the brain. My own brain noticed the results and said AHA!

I started listening to music - vibrant music. I started piano lessons, exercising more and taking care of that other therapy. :-) I have no way of proving neural changes have taken place but I know I am not the person I was 18 months ago. Psychologically I'm probably close to where I was before getting into this mess - huge strides in a very short time. I suggest the same therapies to anyone in this type of situation. You may be surprised at how quickly the "you" and esteem comes back.

To answer neuilly, it took me a little over four months to get my head together and go out there and risk rejection (during this period I'd even ignored an advance from a stranger while on travel, because of years of ingrained behaviour from my 'loyalty' period). When I finally did take the plunge, I discovered a world of normal people, who behaved pretty much how I remembered they did in my youth. I described it to one lover who asked, as my wife having managed to instill the "that's how people behave while they're young and in college" idea into me. Of course it's bullsh1t. This is how adults behave. And you're right, I quickly got used to it. That's not to say that everyone's fantastic, deeply caring and a great human being, they're not, but it sure beats a SM (to be honest, having your teeth filled is more fun than an SM...).

To PocoSostenuto7: I'm a big believer in listening to what your body (mind, heart) says it wants. So what you've written definitely strikes a chord. After coming out of the 'done but frozen' period, I began pursuing sex and listening to music far more (the former's an obvious, any sex would count as 'far more'). And yes, it really did help. I'm also with you that being miserable for prolonged periods changes your thinking, whether that's chemistry, learnt responses, neural pathways, whatever. This experience messes with your brain. I'm at the one year mark, I'm not there yet, the wounds still hurt, but I'm healing.

To tthetree - it's comforting to hear that there is still "normal" in the real world.

As one who's always been ambivalent about music I did not honestly anticipate the changes to my thought patterns and responses that occurred once included in my daily routine -- not to replace the personal loss incurred by a SM but to provide protection from further physical damage. This minor lifestyle adjustment has made a huge difference in my life. In addition I've recently noticed he can't hurt me anymore. Now it's my turn.