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Quick Update

just a quick update, things have been crazy the past few weeks what with the storms, no power for 10 days, etc.

we were having yet another pointless argument in the car, our daughter in the back seat, and he was in his usual passive agressive crazy making statement mode. i couldn't take it anymore. i said, "i want a divorce." he blew past it. i said it a second time. he said "oh reaalllllllllllllllllllllly? is THAT what this is?" (meanwhile HE was the one who started the stupid fight in the first place).

so when we got to soccer, send daughter out to play, and stayed in the car talking with him. laid out all the big issues: no sex. no affection. no intimacy. unilateral decisions regarding finance, most of which he doesn't even bother to tell me about. yet demands to know all the ins and outs of MY finances. unilateral decisions about ALL of our lives, what we do, when we do it, etc. considers it his role, his duty, and his right to "get to yes" when we don't agree with whatever he's decided. never asking me what i want. never even *considering* what i might want. we are ALL living *his* life, *his* way, and we are merely passengers along for his life.

so he makes the entire conversation about sex. and if only i would give him some oral attention, well then, everything else *could* happen naturally. i burst out laughing--sarcastically. yeah, right, dear--and 8 plus years ago, when i *was* still giving you oral attention? any time we had sex, it was all about YOU. you stopped kissing me, there was no foreplay, i don't think you even cared about my pleasure--it was duty or your pleasure.

he didn't like that and argued. eh whatevah. it got me nowhere.

but you know what? he went to the dr on the way home, got an rx for cialis. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. about 9 yrs too late, and wayyyyyy too little.

i am SO done.

oh and this is rich: he took it for 2 days then stopped for about a week, and i looked this morning, and i guess he either flushed the missing pills, or took a whole bunch all at once to "catch up." weird, that.

he's been trying to refi the mortgage, the line of credit in our names, and the line of credit in his name, all in to one loan. he wants me to fill out the paperwork and do more stuff on it.

SO....another talk is on the horizon soon. because....i AIN'T filling out paperwork that could possibly leave ME on the hook for more of *his* debt. nope, nuh-uh, not happening. i've been procrastinating on it because i really don't want this all coming down before the holidays but it looks like he's putting his ducks all in a row (by consolidating debt in OUR name) and i ain't having none of it. it's probably going to get ugly, and we (my daughter and i) have no place to go in the meantime. but i'll work it out somehow if it DOES get really problematic. there's always more loans. :-)

so there you have it. nope, i couldn't handle his sh!t anymore and i burst out with it. it's like a relief, except i think he's either (a) thinking it's just a toothless threat of the sort he's been throwing at me in the heat of fights for YEARS or (b) pretending it never happened or (c) pretending to lay low (like i am) while he puts all *his* ducks in a row. (actually (c) would be preferable!)

isn't life fun?

we have no internet at home so i will be intermittent till cable (and internet) is restored.

hope all survived the storm(s) well.

xo
smithy8015 smithy8015 46-50, F 5 Responses Nov 8, 2012

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thanks to everyone for your replies. trying to arrange funds to put down a retainer & draft initial papers to be served before talking to him. want it clear (for the law's sake) that on "x" date, i am no longer even partially responsible for any new debt he incurs against the house in *our* names, because at this point i wouldn't put much past him.

as for the cialis, there are 2 ways to take it: as needed, and daily doses so he "can be ready" "whenever the moment" becomes right or somesuch, according to their ads. the rx he has calls for 1 a day. still the same number missing as yesterday. dunno what he's doing. at this point i will counter refuse. cause re set "duty" sex ain't gonna do a damn thing excep make me feel sh1tty. and i ain't goin there.

this weekend should be interesting. will see if we cn talk like 2 adults. (chances?)

Shifting responsibility - this is a trait almost all Refusers seem to have in common. Stay strong Smithy - hold onto that rage while it serves you well. Flatly refuse to sign anything to do with finances AND follow this up with a phone call to the relevant financial institution to say you are not signing. (It is not impossible he could forge your signature . . . )

Work on finding a temporary place for you and your daughter - friend's basement; mother's couch - any port in a storm!!

So sorry you have had to deal with this on top of Sandy - sending you warmest wishes for brighter days ahead.

Have you considered that the Cialis is not really for you? Could he be having an affair and blaming you for everything because of his guilt? It just seems a little strange that he gets a prescription out of the blue and some of the pills are missing...

It doesn't matter if he is or he isn't except that might be the final impetus you need to pull the plug on your unfulfilling relationship.

You know what you need to do and you are EXACTLY right to believe things will work out. You will find a suitable place to live; you and your daughter will be better off; you are doing the footwork and everything else will follow.

Be patient and hug your daughter alot. She is worth protecting and so are you.

I hope you've been to the lawyer to work on that exit plan!

Hard as the external storms are for you, and we are all wishing you well, it's the internal storms that you have to deal with before you can be "free". You are on the right track.

You know he told you that if you would perform oral sex he would be more intimate, well that is a shift of pressure off of him because he does not want to take accountability for what you brought to the table. Now its your turn to be in trouble, so he thought. You did good! Keep your head up and npt between his legs! Hang in there! Sorry about the storm crap. You all got it bad!