Ok, I am not just posting this to brag or show off! But I feel like now that I have escaped the total mind **** of a SM---the confusion, the heartbreak, the ego bruising, the loneliness, the disappointment, the emptiness, etc---I want to share how completely transformative it is to have a wonderful sex life with someone who is NOT screwed up!

Granted, my love affair is brand new and who knows how long it will last? But who cares, in a way---it proves to me that a dream can come true. I always hoped I'd have this kind of connection with a man, but I didn't know if it was just some Hollywood-generated stupid fantasy or if it could actually happen. Maybe no one has it.

I mean, I've had good sex before---I've had sex where there was an intense attraction, I've had sex with someone I love, and I've had sex with someone who was gifted in bed. But this is the first time I've had ALL THREE. With someone who is almost unbelievably (esp coming out of a SM) open and creative and free and generous and intense and exciting and has fun with his sexuality.

I feel like a cartoon character that was clunked on the head, a bobblehead with little birdies flying around. It's shocking and WONDERFUL. I feel desired, I feel understood, I feel seen, I feel loved.

How could I ever go back to having to convince my H that I'm desirable? That he should have sex with me? That my needs are important? I now know with total certainty: I AM DESIRABLE. Wildly so, it would appear, from 3 times a day for 8 days and tons of cuddling and talking and laughing and dancing and other affection in between. It's not just sex, or just feelings of love, or just attraction, or just friendship. It's all of those but something primal and deep too. All I can say is, I've never felt it before now, but it exists!

I was terrified, just like everyone else, that if I left my SM I would just wind up in the same situation with someone else, again and again for eternity---trapped in a sexual frustration feedback loop.

So if you are scared of that too, or don't believe it can happen to you, I'm here to tell you: Don't be scared, or at least don't let fear keep you trapped. Because it can happen to you. And most likely, it will!
nyartgal nyartgal
36-40, F
21 Responses Nov 8, 2012

Im happy for you nyartgal.

long may it last. Im sure it will.

Spent 15 years in a sexless marriage. Spent years going to doctors and shrinks trying to figure out what my problem was (couldn't get it up for her). Oh no, it couldn't be her fault, I figured that all the professionals were missing something. Then I hooked up with a wonderful woman at work. Wouldn't you know, everything worked great - did so for 8 years with her. Sex was just as good at the end as it was in the beginning. Yes, the end - the woman I loved dearly took off with a guy with money - go figure. My suggestion - if your in a sexless marriage - get out - now. Life is just to short.

Great story! I am very happy for you. I can relate to your story in a lot of ways. It's feels amazing when you get to the other side. :)

No one deserves a sexless marriage and no one should have to convince their spouse they are desirable. I reached the point in my marriage where I just didn't want to have sex with a wife who didn't want to have sex with me. It was like don't do me any favors okay. My wife also had other issues so I am in the middle of a divorce. I have also found someone wonderful. I did not leave my marriage for her I was already separated from my wife when we met and I was not going back. The healing that has begun for me and I hope for you as well. We all deserve better.

I just booked a one week trip for us to Iceland, leaving on Thanksgiving---a romantic adventure! Carpe diem, people of ILIASM. The future is now!

what a positive story....good for you! xo

Can someone explain to me what "SM" stands for in this senario?

You are one lucky woman. I can't wait to find that match. Keep your eyes open for another great one for me!

Because of my former profession, I was the painful position of seeing an amazing amount of women that...settled...for a man. Almost like "Something is better than nothing"...Wrong! Do not sell yourself short. As stated above, set your standards higher, not lower...Good things will come your way, please be patient...

Thanks1 V
i'm gonna...

Amen, NYartGal, Amen!


I "stepped out" once after over 20 yrs of marriage and I know exactly what you mean. It was more than I ever expected and I bawled all the way home because I felt I would never have such an experience again... That was 4 years ago... 4 long years ago *sigh* But at least, I won't die never having experiences such an amazing experience.

Why didnt you go back for more?

Yes... Why?!

The one i trusted had a desperate wife at each port. i got a nasty message from another woman telling me to stay away. i don't regret the night, only the who... still talk, but don't trust him.

So very happy for you , so very jealous. *sigh*

It seems what you are telling most of us is that fear is what holds us back. Believe in yourself and follow your heart, and make your own dreams happen. That said, fear is powerful. Fear of hurting ones kids, fear of losing the dynamics of a family, fear of financial hardship, fear of hurting the person you wish to leave, fear of creating a home all by yourself, fear of judgement of our community, fear of alienation and rejection by family... How do you overcome fear if you are not already fearless? My guess is you are a fearless person, and that allowed you to make the leap. What about those of us not so blessed?

This is a really great question. My feeling is, if you wait to be fearless you'll never do anything. OF COURSE I'm scared, I'm human. It's frigging scary to end a marriage!!! Maybe by nature I am a risk taker, courageous in some ways. I'm an optimist, which helps. I have faith in my ability to be happy. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared.

People seem to spend a lot of time in fear of other people's judgments and opinions, which I find very hard to understand. I only care about the opinions of people I respect. And friends, family, colleagues, community, etc who aren't there to support you in your time of need do not qualify for your respect. The good news is that people in general are more humane and understanding than we fear---and also probably just care a lot less about what we do with our lives than we think they do. There's just no room in my life for people who bring me down. Life is short, and there's no room for needless suffering.

Ultimately, all you can do is try to quiet all those voices in your head that create negativity, anxiety, stress, self-doubt, and surround yourself with people who support you. Then start doing whatever it takes to be happy, even if you are still scared out of your mind. Once you get started, it gets easier.

there's a formula
in mental health field
that sayz
"if it costs you more to stay where you are,
then to go thru the discomfort of change and the unknown,
then, you will move forward in change"
joyinthejourney, clg

It's great to see that life can beat movies! Sometimes it happens... :)

Excellent - well done nyartgal! (but I am a little jealous). Thanks for sharing and giving encouragement to everyone yet to escape. (I'm out the door from my SM in 2 weeks if all goes to plan).

Awesome news !!! Makes me happy to see such happiness..

"there is life after SM and it can be all you ever dreamed of!"

Congratulations - enjoy every minute!!

Jealous beyond belief.

Time to get to the range and reduce my hostility.

Hey great! Run with it as long as you can!

We all know things can slow down in time with a relationship after a while, but knowing the past and what your expectations of a relationship needs to be gives you some of the tools needed to communicate with the new relationship!

Hi Nyartgal,
I'm just now taking my first steps to exit my SM. I've been very cautious and deliberate in my approach, but after reading your post - me thinks perhaps I should pick up the pace! LOL.

Thanks for sharing your good news from the other side. This is another excellent example of one of the "Refused" who refuses to be refused any more! I'm happy for you.

"But this is the first time I've had ALL THREE." Thanks for sharing! I never thought such things can happen at once...Now I know they can...