My Addition To This Difficult ThemeThis is my first story. It has taken me a few months to stop just reading and actually post this lengthy and difficult anecdote.
When I was 29, my girlfriend of almost six years threw a table at me. That ended that. The situation there involved a traumatic brain injury, anger issues that stemmed from that situation and eventually drug use. As a result, our relationship suffered from little to sometimes no libido from her. I tried to be supportive and steadfast, but it was a constant problem between us.
So, when the coffee table was flung in my direction, it was an obvious and easy queue to leave. I had given 110% and could leave without feeling too much guilt about "abandoning" her and our love, as I felt at the time.
At 34, I reconnected with a beautiful woman I knew when I was in high school. I had only known her for a year and thought she was the most beautiful girl ever! She was the homecoming queen my sophomore year and was unattainable in my eyes. However, 13 years later, we reconnected and eventually met up one weekend.
After that, we became inseparable.
We were both a little reserved about starting a serious relationship at first. We had very similar backgrounds in what we had been through. Everything seemed so right and we took the plunge into blissful love.
In discussing these similar backgrounds, my ex and her ex posed such parallels it was unreal. Her ex husband had died of what appeared to be suicide. Mine had threatened it many times, using it as emotional blackmail. She would eventually commit this act months after my now wife and I began dating. In all these discussion, the lack of intimacy and sexual exploration came up. I explained that I could not and would not be in such a relationship again.
We both agreed that that didn't seem to be a problem with our relationship.
However, about three weeks after we were engaged, we found out we were pregnant. We were both very happy, very excited and very scared. It was honestly a great thing lined with the stress that comes from becoming first time parents. We'd planned to have a child if we could, or adopt if we couldn't, so while unexpected, it wasn't altogether unplanned. Once she became pregnant, her sex drive went away. This was no huge surprise to us. We had sex three times during her pregnancy, twice at the advice of her midwife towards the end, to help bring on effacement.
After our beautiful daughter arrived, I made a point not to push for a resumption of our sex life, despite an overwhelming desire to make love to the woman who I'd helped make this beautiful new being with. However, after several months, I began to bring it up. I was asked, as I was during her pregnancy, to please not bring it up -- that she would let me know when she was ready. It was ten months after our daughter was born that we finally had sex again, but it was after she had drank a lot of beer and knew I was needing that connection.
That night was almost a year and a half ago. There's been no physical intimacy. We got married, which I do not regret, about two and a half months ago. We've been to a sex therapist/couples counselor, but only once. We're planning a second appointment soon, but it's tough with finances and finding childcare during the appointment. I'm at my wit's end and so is she. She wants us to be passionate again. She says she didn't want this problem to follow into our marriage, but it obviously has. I, like a fool, hoped this might change with the permanence of marriage, but it hasn't. It wasn't the reason I married her, just a hope -- I married her because I really do love her. However, dreams plague me of cheating with past lovers. What's sad is I can't even have a good sex dream anymore -- those are even plagued with guilt for them not always being with my wife. I want her more and more, but feel myself losing my grip on my patience and resolve.
That's where I stand. We're both so tired of dealing with this issue, but know it has to change for us to both be happy in this marriage. It's worth it. I know it is. I try not to feel guilt for asking this, but can't help it crossing my mind daily: I've put my sexual and emotional needs and wants aside to accommodate hers for two years now, keeping my desire on the back burner. When does my partner eventually put her needs and wants aside for me, for just a short time?
I need that balance and connection.