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A Strange Happening

Many of you here on ILIASM have followed my stories since I became a member here back in 2008. Many of you are unfamiliar with me but what happened last week to me ties into my life here as a member of this group.

What this story relates to is the common fear of what might happen to our relationships with our children should we leave a bad marriage and how this might affect future ties to those children even if they are adults at the time of the split.

For those members who know, my leaving my very bad marriage ended up in one of the worst things any human being can face. My ex-to-be committed suicide in the family home. He also planned on killing me and others. As a result my son and daughter, his stepchildren, severed all ties with me, their mother. It was a bad time and one that life never prepares anyone for in its brutal and sad happening.

My son and daughter were newly married and had their own homes and lives. Something I am grateful for but we all went through pure hell. Even their awareness of the misery and fear I lived with for many years was over shadowed by their stepfather's actions.

I had not heard my son's voice since 2010. Messages and phone calls and cards to both of my children were met with silence. My daughter did contact me in 2012 but that ended in her attacking me with false and intimidating words on her part. I wrote about this here as my pain at being cut out of my baby granddaughter's life was incredibly heartbreaking. Up until that point, I believed in her promises of a relationship with her and this baby that she used as a tool to hurt me. Her actions have no ambiguity in them.

A dear girlfriend who lives near my son had told me that she would look in the birth announcements and let me know when his baby was born. I knew of the pregnancy from my daughter but she told me not to contact her brother as he wanted nothing to do with me. I believed her.

Last Friday my husband and I walked in and the phone message option was blinking. I pressed the phone and my girlfriend's number popped up. I called her and got no response. I sat outside and for some reason I called my son up in Pa. He picked up and I heard his voice for the first time in almost two years!

I am a grandmother again! A healthy little boy and we talked for a long time. He told me about the delivery and his life and plans. That he is happy to know that I am settled and happy. That he wants to put the past in the past and that we are welcome to visit anytime that we are in the area. That he wants to talk more to me and it was like the talks we always had before the bad time. We laughed and he told me about kind deeds he did for the neighbors. That he is advancing with his company and is being groomed for a larger position.

He also told me about emotional issues that he is addressing and working on. Seeking professional help for certain problems. He was mature and respectful and funny and the last words were "I love you Mom".

Now what is strange is that later that evening I got a call back from my girlfriend and she and I were dumbfounded when she told me that she had never called me that night!

To anyone here in this group who fears estrangement from children if they leave a bad marriage, I know this fear well. Not before the fact because I, as my husband, believed that these relationships are a given. It all depends on the individual. Some people are supportive and some are not. We all own our choices. A lot depends on the ex. A lot depends on who our children truly are. Time can bring about a positive change. And then again not. That is life.

I am happy that my son chose to be a son. I am also sad that my daughter's actions are causing her pain. I find myself going back to the Law of Karma. The intent of actions. My intentions bring me a great deal of inner peace now however life is a strange thing at times. Peace,D
dartist dartist 56-60, F 11 Responses Nov 8, 2012

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Thank you for sharing this happy news, Dartist.

My gratitude to all of you who have commented and are happy for me. This means a great deal. Concerning the comment that my son chose to start a road to healing rather than my daughter as a bit of a surprise reflects on who my son is as a human being.

Back when he was in a new high school and finding his way in the male pecking order there, he and I were eating a meal together at a local pizza joint. There were two tables of high school jocks sitting near the jukebox. They decided it great sport to make fun of a mentally impaired young man who was trying to play music. This went on for a few minutes and my son said to me, "Mom I can't stand this!". He walked across the restaurant and helped this young man select songs and put his money in to play them. In front of the school "princes" my son stepped out and showed this proud mother what he was made of as a human being. This was a defining moment in my child's life and one that he has carried with him into adulthood.

In our lives as parents there can be these defining moments. Teaching my son that life is about helping others and having compassion was brought to fruition that day so many years ago. Even as he reaches huge success financially with his company, I know that I will never feel such pride in him as I did on that day when he showed insensitive classmates what it means to be compassionate and kind to another human being.

I always believed that my son was the best of me and also his father. From the time he was born, I knew there was something different about him. Like me, he carries his heart on his sleeve. Like me, he tries so very hard to do the right thing. My husband and I both have one son and one daughter apiece but we have talked so many times about the fact that my son was the wild card of the four.

I have to say that neither of my children ever said one negative thing about my husband,
Rob, however his two have branded me a liar and a ***** and a woman who has been insulting to every member of my husband's family. One of the reasons that my husband has no problem in establishing relationships with my children yet has a great deal of anger towards his two. Until he gets an apology from them, he remains adamant that there is no desire to persue anything with them. When he needed them the most, they turned their backs on him and they were adults at the time, not children.

My children harbor no bad feelings towards my husband. Perhaps this is due to their upbringing. How the ex played her cards eliciting sympathy through falsehoods. Perhaps it is who individuals are in the end. Is it a toss of the coin? Is it the influence of others close to them? In my daughter's case, her husband is filled with anger and rage and they both feed from the same table. My son however is married to a kind, intelligent, and gentle woman who has a very loving family.

So thank you again for reading and commenting. I have felt much inner peace this past week. Calm and centered. My husband and I are discussing a trip to Pa. to visit after the first of the year to see my new grandson and my other grandchild. That one may be a battle but this depends on my daughter. Her call and not ours. Peace, Grandma D

That was very brave of your son and I would feel very proud too. I pray your daughter will come to accept that you always did the very best you could.

I am glad you have your son back again, and a grandson! Wow! I pray that you and your daughters relationship will be healed someday soon. Thank you for sharing.

It is a hard thing to go through. My son really mistreated me after divorcing his mother and i got tired of his anger towards me and told him that i did not want to talk with him till such a time that he figured out why he mistreated me so.
Very hard to do! Well it worked. A year later he came up to see me and my new wife and apologized for his action's and explained why he was angry.

The situations of divorce does have a bog effect on the kids. Mine were 8 & 13, the ex chose to poisen them and in turn they figured it out later in their lives and she has sinced died, but the abuse that my kids endured has a big effect on who they are to this day.
I share this for those that have the young kids, put the kids up on top of the priority list!
In you case they already being adults they have to be big enough to reach out for help and what a pay off for him! And of course you! Your daughter will one day get it. Her brother is a inspiration!
CONGRATULATIONS!

Alljackedup, I really appreciate your input here, as I have been having marital difficulties and people are often preaching to me about how I should just up and leave my wife of almost 12 years. If we had no kids, I would have done it years ago, but we have four children ranging from age 11 to 4. Your words have reassured me that it's not stupid of me to put the kids first here.

Well most cases parents divorce and the kids pick up the tab.

If your home has a fair and healthy balance going on and it's just sexless and you and your wife's interaction is reasonable then you have it right.

How ever do know my friend kids learn what they see. Does her parents show affection towards each other in front of family? If not you have some insight as to why your wifes affection is not in the norm.

Wow! Thanks for sharing this. It's funny how people tell me so quickly that I could just leave my wife and kids to get out of a bad marriage. They have no idea what a basket case my spouse can be, nor do I want to leave my kids with someone who is emotionally unstable at best! Again, thanks for sharing, and I find it interesting that a son would forgive while a daughter would not. The common perception out there is that the opposite would be true. Best wishes in your new life. I hope at some point all grandchildren will know you.

<p>I am very thrilled for you I really truly am.I read many of your posts and I know very well that your just a very gentle and kind person. You were certainly that way to me..Your posts and comments were thoughful and incredibly helpful.<br />
Congratulations !!! on being a grandmother, but more importantly on being able to be a mom again, having your kids back into your life.I truly am very happy for you. This is wondeful news. <br />
What is interesting about all of this for me is... this: the last few days, i have been wondering about you. ...a lot.. We are not close friends. we are aquaintances through posts. I remember your story, and so i know who you are. But it is just an odd coincidence. Your name kept popping in my head. I just kept wondering, How you were doing? and were you ever able to reconnect with the kids?..it was such a devesatating situation with the spouse, and then having the added emotional hit from the kids. it really was a person's worst nightmare. When your name would pop up, i would say a prayer for you , so that God would heal the situation, and so It is very nice to know that all is well.<br />
I thank you for sharing this..it is going to be interesting to see if other EP friends were also....all of a sudden ..thinking of you too..all of a sudden ..wondering..Is Dartist ok..is she back in the hearts of her family.?</P>

What a happy story to read this morning. I wish you many more happy stories, the saga has not yet ended.

what a wonderful story, thank you so much for sharing it with us. so very glad your son and you are back in touch. please make plans to be in the area soon so you may follow up the good talk with a good visit. how wonderful to reconnect. blessings &amp; love. xo

I am so happy that your relationship with your son is being restored! A grandchild is such a blessing, and will bring much happiness into your (and your son's) life.

Wow, tears are flowing here. Just makes you wonder, doesn't it? She never called you....

I'm so glad for you that you reconnected with your son. Have a good life Grandma.