Post

How Do I Gett Out?

We have been married for 21 years. For the last 2 years we have been financially broke. The business failed and altho he got a job, by last November the hours were being cut. In March he was laid off. He got a new job in August. I am a sub for the school district and all my paychecks were automatically deposited into our joint account. Last May I had earned enough in a single check to cover my cell phone bill all summer. He spent it before I could. My last check was very small and I had to use it for food.

For the last 2 years I have had to ask permission before I can access any money in the bank account and he tells me what I can spend. He does not write it in the register and so bounces checks. he does not write the automatic payments for our daughter's instrument either. In June he subscribed to Netflix for their free month and forgot to cancel. He forgot to write that automatic payment down as well. I got blamed for all the bounced checks and unbeknownst to me, he closed our joint account. I found out in October.

I cannot cash a check because my drivers license expired and he won't give me enough to renew it. I barely get any work because since I could not pay my phone bill it was suspended and that is how I got most jobs. we no longer have internet, I am catching a signal from a neighbor right now.

In July I had $30 to buy food for 4 people. August I got $50, but my son came home as well. October I finally got $300 and as my phone was slated to be sent to collection I sent them $100 and spent the rest on food, gas and gave our daughter money for meals when her team went out of town. He did not like what I bought and went out and spent another $80 on junk. (I saw the receipt) Last Friday I got another $100 and spent $65 on food, 10 on the kids and put the rest in my tank. I have now been told I cannot spend money at all, he will buy all groceries because I cannot be trusted.

I tried for so long to make this work, I know he has told stories about me because it is a small town. But I did not feel it was anyone else's business so ignored it. Now, I have no money, the van is in his name and nowhere to go. I cannot get a full time job anywhere as I have no ID. I cannot cash a check because I have no ID. I don't want ot leave my girls here, I don't trust him to take care of them. When he takes them for the day (to my brother in law's) they come home at 8 at night and have not eaten all day.

How do I get out?
frustrated1991 frustrated1991 41-45, F 7 Responses Nov 9, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

Another case of father doesn't know best. Men and I was one are controlling butt heads. My advice live in a tree or under bridge till you shake this deadbeat looser.

Just go get a state issued ID. You can get a driver's license without having a car or insurance. Go get any job and get your money direct deposited on one of those prepaid cards (like bluebird). Talk to someone at a women's shelter about an exit strategy. See if you qualify for food stamps so that you are sure to have enough food for yourself and your children. Good luck, sweetheart.

He's controlling.... LEAVE. Find a place to send your kids... if they are school... have them live for a while with their friends. And... as for your so called 'husband' You could always sue... or ask for some money from friends/neighbors/relatives and open your own account. You can also use prepaid phone cards. And get a phone with limited number of hours and use that to receive calls about job opportunities. Essentially, a prepaid phone with prepaid minutes. Which will allow you to control your own life. You need a phone for work and he denies you access to work. *sigh*

Why do people abuse others?

In any event, you need to tell members of your family what is going on so you can help yourself to leave and still pay for the care of your children which the government charges you to look after. Essentially... your marriage has gone sour... and will only get worse. Does he back up his position that you can't feed the family with violence? *sigh* It will get to that point. Just let him take care of himself. Get your license renewed, get a phone so you can get some work. And most of all... Start your own bank account.

*sigh*

This is the reason I wanted three accounts when I married. A joint account where x amount of money is placed to pay for shared expenses which comes from each person's private account. The private accounts can't be accessed by the spouse/partner... so there will always be some money for a person to fall back upon if a situation crops up. It also allows people to pay for gifts that the spouse won't know of... *sigh* I guess you don't need to worry about giving him gifts... you're financial credibility has been screwed by him.

*sigh* I'm naturally distrustful... of everyone. It's a way for me to not get hurt by those I do trust.... yet it does have problems... takes me a long time to trust... and when that trust is gone... so am I from that person's life. I don't like being hurt.

Again what are the priorities in your life? Make a list of them. Put them in order of which is most important to be done first to the least important... your 'husband'. Your kids, yourself, any pets... would be the top three on mine. Then list the ways each priority can be taken care of. Then budget your draft list of spending priorities. Then stick to it as best as you can. And let your 'husband' care for himself.

As for food... kids can visit friends, or even stay with them. There can be soup kitchens which you might be able to go to. In order to keep yourself healthy without needing to spend money. Don't forget food banks; if there are any can supply a couple of meals a month.

Finally find a place for you to stay so you can care for yourself with out being abused further. *sigh* Divorce or counseling for him.... and couples counseling for both of you could help... if you can find a person who can do the therapy for as low as possible. For example free. He's treating you as an employee. He had his own business and without it he doesn't feel that he has control so he has replaced that by controlling you. Ultimately it is he who ****** up and the responsibility for that needs to be on him.

Any thoughts?

This guy is a creep! Really! Good advice below. Can not add any advice other then make his family and friends aware of his crap! He needs to be THUMPED!

You are being emotionally abused, and cutting you off from finances is a big part of that. Your H is ABUSIVE as sure as if he hit you. He is also abusing the children by not providing for them as best as possible. I agree, get yourself OUT ASAP. I will attach a website that can provide resources. Or a women's shelter. It is obvious no matter what you are going through you could handle your house better yourself. He is TRYING to keep you down.You may want to read KaeCo's stories, she recently escaped an abusive situation, you might want to PM her and hear how she got out.Best of luck and let us know when you are safe.Here are the resources: http://help.experienceproject.com/customer/portal/articles/391568-what-if-another-member-or-myself-is-in-crisis-

This is financial abuse...I'd say try to ask for help from a local church group, and if that fails see if a woman's center can help you.
You might also see if you can stay with relatives until you get a job and climb out of this hole he's gotten you in.
Other than that, the advice below is pretty good.

Number 1: Get a state issued ID if you cannot afford insurance and a driver's license. You may have to walk to the DPS office, but once you have an ID you can get a job.
Number 2: Run, don't walk, to the nearest McDonalds, Burger King, Pizza Hut, etc., and apply for a job. Ask to see the manager, explain the situation on the ID/DL, how badly you need work. Beg, if you have to. But, get a job. ANY job is better than what you have now.
Number 3: Apply for food stamps, etc., and keep food in the house.
Number 4: Get out. If you have to, go to a shelter, but get out. Get a job, get your feed on the ground, and get away from someone who is not only selfish but who spends what precious little you have on junk food.
Number 5: Really, this should be number 1 - get right with the Lord. Go to church. Fit in. Ask for aid there. If hubby will not go, go alone. But, trust in the Lord to help you most of all. Your spirit is totally beaten down now, and you need to get going again.

My Prayers are with you. Where are you?

I agree. Her assumption that she is not "right with the Lord" is holier than thou and outrageous under the circumstances.

Ditto

Wait a minute! I just realized that the user name is "pull a train for me" and she is admonishing people to get "right with the Lord." LOL...ummm...okay, not judging anyone's kinks, but I'm pretty sure that is frowned upon at church...lol.