Is It A Sm If There Is Still Some "intercourse" But No Connection?

We have sex, but it's so mechanical and empty for me. H really is clueless (by ignoring me telling him) just how bad things are to me. He says he "connects" to me via sex...but I only get 5 minutes of lovey-dovey before and after, aside from that it's "business as usual" with work, kids, and cleaning. Yes, there is sex, but it's not a connection if only one person comes away satisfied. So am I right to say I have a SM? I don't want to post any more of my replies in a place that is not appropriate, to be fair to myself and everyone else. Thanks.
8l8sapphirebutterfly8l8 8l8sapphirebutterfly8l8
31-35, F
5 Responses Nov 9, 2012

Today is his birthday. I've tried to as upbeat as I can today. We both had to work. He was gone down to our friends house to drink before DD and I even got home. He took my boys to stay with grandmaw tonite (knowing I had family plans tomorrow, planned for two weeks now!). I have been in the bed with a 2 y/o still on daylight savings time time since about 7:30. I can almost promise he will come home half lit (or completely toasted) and wake me up for sex. I bought him a cake, candles, and was going to cook his favorite dinner for him...but it's just me and DD tonight. It's his bday, but I would expect he wants to spend some of it with his family...

Wow, that sounds incredibly hard and unbearably lonely. It sounds like your husband just sees you as a babysitter/housekeeper/sex receptacle. It's a denial of your humanity on some level to be so used and also so invisible to him. It sounds like your feelings and needs are totally unimportant to him.

What I couldn't tell from your story is if you love him? And if you want it to work? If you do want to try and fix this (and that ain't going to be easy with a guy like this----some people are just not empathetic, loving or generous), you're going to have to be very strong and make it completely clear that it has to change or else. Make specific goals, put a time frame on it and stick to it. And if he doesn't get his act together, walk.

I used to be completely infatuated with him...and I think at one point it was love. It was even a "knowing" the first time I SAW him that he would be my H, and I really don't believe in that happening too often. He worked very long, hard, physically grueling hours shortly after we started dating. Looking back I am see how he got used to my attention and the disrespect he showed me (he even was late 2 hours picking me up from work...2:30 am in a dark mall parking lot!!! Bc he was out bar hoping...hello me? Why crap dd I not run then?!?). It's just snowballed...and after 13 years its a very complicated nasty snowball...but his needs except excessive wild sex and limitless play money are met, so he's ok with it all. He still gets sex when he wants it and is at home early enough that I am awake (which is not very often), b/c it's easier to give in and have sex than to hear him whine and act like a real jerk to the kids and me until he does get some.
I used to. I would like to rekindle that. I know it's not heart bubbles and rainbows and is respect, patience, concern for well-being, and putting the ones you love ahead of your own wants AND needs...I do not think he "loves" me this way as he is acting. I'm not even a friend, I'm a safety net.

Reread what you wrote about "marital rape".

Noone wants forced/unwelcome sex. While most of us here do not get frequency of sex, none of us woudl trade that for what you are experiencing.

Your H has time to spend 2-3 days per week with his buddies... but not with you. He does not spend enough time with you to even get you excited when sex does happen.

He IS using you pure and simple as a "sex receptacle". There is no give-and-take. There is no respect.

You deserve better. Your kids deserve someone who actually hangs around too.

Put your foot down, and find out all your options. First visits to divorce lawyers are usually free, BTW. That would give you the leverage you need in case he refuses to change.

You need a better life.

You know sometimes in relationships we get complacent and take things for granted. He may not be doing this on purpose. I would suggest telling him that you want to explore the use of sex toys and some more focus on helping you reach org**m first. It is a hige turn on for most all men to get the gal at her peak if he is clued in on the thrill of it.


If he does not receive the idea well then get him to explain just why it does not appeal to him.

Order one of those KY personal massager and just hand it to him when you both are about to get it on! Maybe thats a good way to bring ot up.

I can sometimes remove myself from the bad just for the sake of getting my own pleasure, so that's not really an issue. But because of the intimacy disconnect, it is merely a physical act that feels like a duty and not something I want to do to intertwine my soul with the man I am supposed to love.

No, I don't think it's an SM, yet it shares many of the characteristics of one. Which boil down to dysfunction and lack of empathy, willingness to help your partner etc.

So I think you might get some value from posters here, and also the converse, I wouldn't worry about definitions!

FWIW, I developed a principal for my marriage which allowed me the courage to change: "we help each other get what we want, individually and together, with high priority". No exceptions. When you get that clarity, and see in awful stark horror how far away the marriage is from whatever ideal you have, that can propel you to take action.