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Sm - Could It Be An Affair?

I married my high school sweet heart three years after I had his child in my senior year of high school and we have been together ever since...... and like many other young couples we had our fair share of up and downs --then 3 kids, 1 granddaughter and 30 years later we are still together, but increasingly finding out that we have a deep void between us that had led to semi SM that slowly came about more and more this year...... we have only been intimate 3 x this entire year, when the year before we at least had sex once every two weeks. (hubby is distant, irritable, non-interested, a monk, different)

Could he be having an affair since I know he is not coming to me for sex? he doesnt even touch or hold my hand any more. :(

SoulSeeker67 SoulSeeker67 41-45, F 23 Responses Nov 10, 2012

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I am the guy that has less sex with his wife. WE are working through this issue now. I am seeing a therapist. Has a man I saw myself has a provider, protector head of the family. We own our own business that is is extremely stressful. A weekend her parents came to visit. One of our children asked me for a juice, I said yes. She said no and then her dad proceeded to tell our boy remember last time you pee'd in bed. So no juice for you. So all of a sudden has a man, the business is my fault, I don't have a right to give juice to my son and so on. After a while of always telling me what I do wrong, I just shut down. I love her but don't recall the last time I was praised. Sexually, you get older, you perform less well, and you start to feel inadequate. All of this are contributing factors from my end. I love my wife but it has been harder. Now this Is my experience, so might not be the same everywhere. Just thought I would share. Best of luck.

I am sorry you are having these issues. It is extremely difficult to figure out. Life and love are so complicated. I, like you, have a similar situation. She is distant and very, very little sexual contact except 3 or 4 times last year. No holding hands and no touching in bed at night. The excuses are getting more and more frequent. I'm out of answers for myself. I also believe she may be seeing someone but I cannot be sure. I feel your anguish and confusion. I do wish you some answers to your situation.

There could be ma ny reasons for your husband's loss of interest in having sex with you, many of which have been mentioned below. The only way to find out is to talk with your husband. He may not even know but perhaps he will seek help. Sex isnt everything but it is a healthy part of a good marriage...if he refuses to talk or seek help, then you have some decisions to think about...good luck :/

I don't think an affair is a very likely explanation. You described him as "distant, irritable, non-interested" which suggests several possibilities to me. Sometimes men begin to behave that way in their 40s and 50s because they are realizing that life hasn't turned out the way they had dreamed it would be... and their frustration with that reality causes them to pull back into themselves. And sometimes the unresolved baggage of the marriage relationship just keeps building until it causes a man to also pull back. For a man to be most content in his life, he needs to feel successful in his vocation, he needs to feel successful and valued in his family, and he needs to have some outside interest that challenges him with some adventure. One of these areas can be struggling or missing, but if two areas are struggling or missing then a man will typically show symptoms of frustration in life... and his wife will typically be the one to suffer relationally with him. My two cents...

Your story is like so many on EP.He could be or maybe he just no longer has any desires for sex.Might something you ask him about.Sorry for your plight.

I am sorry to say that I think he IS having an affair, or maybe multiple affairs. It could be he even has another family you don't know about.

I am very sorry that you are in this situation, and hope that you will do whatever it takes to make a better life for yourself...either with him or without.

God bless.

YOU need a "Friends with Benefits" relationship!
ADD me dear ...Let's talk :)

have him go to a Dr, could be depression, or low testosterone, don't jump to the "affair" conclusion without some sort of evidence

I am sad to hear this. I have parents who are very fond of each other.

He probably has something going on with someone else, but it could just be digital. I'm not sure what your situation is but I would do my best to have a sit down with him, tell him how you feel that you understand that men desire other women but that you want him for yourself. If nothing changes go stay with friends for a while, let him feel what he will be losing. Men often need harsh examples of what the consequences might be, we need boundries and threats to stay in line unfortunatly. I hope u guys can find a way to work it out!

I have to ask. Have you looked after yourself? Do you still dress like a lady or like my wife do you live in Trousers and wear nothing feminine. Do you do Hair and makeup for your man or just put in an effort for everyone else. Honest answers please

I take care of my self very well..... and I have many offer to stray if I wanted to, but I choice not to --I have been faithful our entire 30 years together (not that I havent thought about it).

You need to find out what his problem is? If not Fixable Leave. Life is far too short to waste it being Unhappy. R XX

Your story is pretty close to mine and I am asking this very question. Just posed the question out loud for the first time, though I have a sneaking suspicion it's true. A year ago I found a racy message on his cell phone. He disregarded it as being "spam," explaining that he receives a ton of spams from ***** sites he never signed up for. I half-heartedly accepted that explanation, but I have noticed since then he has guarded his phone and computer with his life, I don't recall seeing them laying around without him nearby EVER. I think he sleeps with his phone so I can't find it in the middle of the night.

It's time to face the music. Yes, to ask. My husband is very irritable with me these days, too. Has been for years, so I have a feeling he's been seeking things on the side for years and years.

SS67. I married my high school or even mid school sweetheart . Known each other since we were 12 yrs old bf/gf and dated solid from 16 on until married at 20. I never in a million years guessed my husband would be involved in an affair, but he was. I just wanted to mention a few items that I was not aware of at the time, but know now. If he is grooming better, maybe wearing colone and never did, chewing gum all the time,never did, using chap stick all the time, if he's bought new underwear lately, working later, these are signs of an affair that I missed. See if he is protective of his phone say if you go to answer It or if you need to make a call use his when yours is not there or convenient. Just to see how he responds. You can even check his phone at night for numbers or text. My husband mainly saw his mistress during lunch of all things. He did take some half day vacation days with her too. You could check his pay stub for vacation time and keep up with it. If you have a chance go by his work to make sure he's there or drop in on him at lunch time. If you have a good friend that could help watch him have them check up on him too. If he's late and says he working tell him oh is it okay if I stop by be right there when you call so you can go right in. My husband got very quite at night wasn't laughing and talking like he always did. He would lay in his recliner and cover his face with his hat. Not like him at all he was always laughing, joking and going on with you that all stopped. I did not do all the things I've mentioned, but wished I would have now. I let a lot of opportunities pass to catch him because I trusted him, didn't think he was doing that I sincerely hope your husband is not doing that to you.

He possibly may be going through a mid life crisis. That's another thing to look at. Research it on the Internet men in mid life crisis and it will tell you what signs to look for. Men do not think they are going through any MLC and they think how dare you say that. My husband had identical issues as listed with mid life crisis. Our daughter had gotten engaged and one in college both still at home though and he was nearing retirement at a young age really to retire. He was unsure of his future and it freaked him out when his baby was going to get married and leave and he didn't want to retire and be all alone with me living like we were. Internet works for affairs too sites that give warning signs. I know people are going to tired of me preaching this, but his testosterone level may be low or something else could be off. He could check all of that out to be sure. Best of luck to you

I hope he is not ,maybe just a lull in your relations.Maybe just needs a spark or alight.Talk to him express yourself.After 30 yrs you should be able to say anything to him or ask him anything.wish you well.

It is quite possible. If he doesn't have any health issues than often your gut feeling is right. Try digging into the affair scenario a bit further but be discreet about it.

Do not let him catch on to you or he will hid eit better. Watch his phone, messages, etc. Soes he come home from work late etc.

Keep a secret Diary of things and places he said he went to than refer to it later on as his stories might conflict and you will have hard evidence of a lie not just a faulty memory.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Maybe. Many times the spark is just gone though. I am sorry.

Maybe some body lite it --we had sex twice in a week so far. :)

Does the why really matter? You feel neglected, and that DOES matter to you, does that matter to him?

Honestly --Nothing seems to Matter to Him lately. :(

Seems like it may be related to a current event, in the last year. How is work for him, how is your grandchild? small, children ok. Look at recent events stresses and communicate.

Hubby has been hating work for years now (not just the last year), our grandchild is great and the love of our life, hubby is over stressed and his doctor states that he has high blood pressure, but he refuses to talk to me and says that what ever is bothering him is his issue to work out (i thought we were a team and needed to work out things together guess I was wrong)..... he has literally become a grumpy old man to me and every one in his life or lucky enough to be around him in his daily going on's.

Depression, methinks....also high blood pressure and a generally crappy state of health. That would be my guess.
If it were an affair, he'd be happier.

I married my wife and dated her at 14 going on 15 I was19 going on 20, after my first son after many years of marriage I was 40 things changed then we had my second son he was a handful..If it was not for his mom he may have never grown into the young man he is now 19. We during that time our marriage grew apart I entered into a 6 year affair with a women from work.
I had a sense of entitlement at that time, if a man does not want to be intimate with his wife he is either very depressed and or involved with another male or female it seems nowadays . Either you will enable this to go on, or you will face him and demand a truthful answer, if he can't look you in the eyes he is a liar. Good luck

-----"Could he be having an affair since I know he is not coming to me for sex? he doesnt even touch or hold my hand any more. :("

That is one possibility out of many many other possibilities as others have noted.

There are reasons why he has withdrawn over the years, whether you find out about the WHY is a different matter altogether. He has to want to be involved. You can support him but the onus is on HIM to want to reengage you. The onus is on HIM to chase WHY he has disengaged over the years.

There appears to be no evidence, so far, in your story, that he appears interested in the WHY.

WOW!! --I just wrote a reply for some one in the question section for "why are some people unlikable" and after I finished typing the reply I said to my self "thats my husband here lately" --so I thought I would share it here in case it might help...... idk?

Because they started to hate life and now they hate people, therefore, they do not give a dam any more and they show it with out thought or consideration of others --which in turn makes people see them as a jack a$$ and not want to be around them.

totally feel your pain. he is into everything but me hahaha. not very funny I know. but I understand your pain

Thanks for understanding........ (((hugs)))

(hug hug sniffle sniffle)

Maybe. But I can tell you this - not all of the men who are not having sex with their wives are having an affair.

His overall distance, irritability, disinterest could be a few things. 1) He's just not that into you anymore. 2) A drop in testosterone levels 3) depression 4) Maybe something else entirely.

Yeah - I have been thinking depression / mid life thing since he is almost 48 and my husband has mentioned getting his testosterone checked...... but you would think if he still loved me that he would continue to hold me, touch me --but lets face it 86% of the time a man is doing these things for a lady is because they think it is going to lead to sex. *sigh*