Some More ReflectionsI find myself wanting to come here again tonight. Talked to ex, looks like she is involved with someone. She finally stopped traveling and is now renting a place on the ocean. While I suppose I should not care, I am glad she has a roof over her head and some more stability. If she is with another man, then at least I know someone else may be looking out for her.
I spent some time rereading my posts from just under a year ago, and I cannot believe how much has changed. I think of the person I was then, and the person I am now...it is like another world I can only faintly think of in a dream.
Yet I am beginning to see exactly how I ended up in such a dynamic. In two words: too giving. I think the cure can be had in one word: limits.
I've noticed, in this relationship I'm in now, my tendency to always be kind, supportive, and giving. Immediately I noticed her willingness to receive these things, and even to take advantage of them. Doing these things creates an imbalance, and makes it so that the giving of your affection is assumed, and that your partners affection must be earned. Let this dynamic grow for years, and eventually you have a monster. Really, i thin kit works this way - people give affection to get closer to you. If you naturally put yourself too close, why would they want you closer?
Realizing this, I feel I have, however, opened up a can of worms. Now that I have the self awareness to reflect from a more distant perspective, I see so many things, and so many ways of doing things, that relationship dynamics feels different in a way that makes me a little sad: I see it now more as a game. That makes me a little sad. But now that I've established that my natural way of doing things will inevitably lead to disaster, then i must, out of self protection, see it something less natural than I initially assumed it to be.
It is very hard to go against you nature, but i see now that it is not the case that I am just "A real nice guy that attracted users." It is different - being overly giving CREATES users.
I think these ideas, though, are only valid if you are an over giver like me.