The Ocean That Grew Between Us In Bed...

Well, its been 2 + weeks since I broke-up with my lover to give a last try with my husband. We both miss each other a lot and its being hard to avoid when he call me and ask me to meet him but Im hanging in there...

The problem is I am really really tired of trying to save my marriage... My husband became someone completely diferent over the last 8 years (13 years of marriage). I have tried so many times to swim across the ocean that grew between us in bed...only to find rejection on the other side... he lost completely the interest for sex ... with the years I notice that the more I try to bring him close or talk about our lack of intimacy the more isolated and distant he became... To the point that if I started talking about it he would just turn to the other side and ignore me... What I also don't understand is the fact he says he loves me and don't want a divorce...
How can someone love you and don't want share the best of love?

I would love to hear some comments coming from the other side... From the ones that neglects and rejects their spouses when it comes to intimacy. I know most of them are great providers and wonderful parents, and maybe great friends for their wives or husbands... But they have chosen not be lovers to them anymore...I just want to understand...
Liu41 Liu41
41-45, F
8 Responses Nov 10, 2012

one of my refusers favorite things to say is... im not here to change you ......... when he says that, i feel like spitting in his face.

INSIDE MY OWN MIND IM YELLING ... oh but you HAVE changed me!!!

I know... I wish I was that happy girl I was once...

I am coming up on my 40th wedding anniversary to a woman who just doesn't like sex. I've tried everything, take her to great vacation places, nice hotels, dinners out, provide for her needs, I am verbal, caring and loving. The frustration just got worse and worse. I was faithful for 30 years until I finally met someone online, and then in person (I was traveling with my work, then) and the connection was wonderful (OK, having an affair was wrong....I should have divorced and THEN looked for a new partner). I even moved out for a while and lived with my new (very sexual, smart, loving) partner. But I made a huge mistake: my boss said move back and I did to save my job. WRONG!!! Now, years later, I still think about what could have been if I had been honest with myself and divorced (we have no kids) and made a new life with the wonderful woman who was ready to be my life partner. She is "gone" now, having waited nearly 12 years for me to be with her and I'm grieving that loss deeply. One day, just started blocking my phone calls, unfriended me on Facebook, rejects my e-mails. I have to let her go, of course. So I'm 61 now, still stuck in a sexless marriage, grieving my mistake of not aking the chance to truly be happy, and angry at myself as hell! I've been in therapy for +8 months and realize that life is way too short and I need to move on for my own sanity and happiness. It's a matter of timing, now. My wife thinks we will just continue "as is" for the rest of our lives. But I cannot bear the idea of coming to the end of my life and thinking, "I could have had happiness in a complete, fulfilling, sensual/sexual relationship but I am going to die frustrated and unhappy and unable to give the love I want to someone who will appreciate it and give it back. I've wasted some of the best years of my life. Don't do the same. Get counseling if he's willing to go (miy wife won't), buy the book "The Sex-Starved Marriage" (very helpful to understand a non-sexual partner as well as the problems that are inevitable if you continue in such an unfulfilling relationship), and get a plan going to move out, file for divorce (be fair in the settlement) but go for happiness and joy and love! I just regret waiting this long, and knowing it is unlikely my former lover will ever talk with or see me again so I know the pain of your loss. How I wish I had made the hard choice then, and by today I'd be happy and fulfilled and happy. God Bless you!!

Thanks! I will definitely read the book you mentioned...God bless you to my friend.... wish you all the happiness!

You too!

OK ladies, so you ripped me pretty good for suggesting that our poster take a deep and self-challenging look and see if she had a role in starting it. Again, most men are easy, myself included. But I have withheld sex and intentionally underperformed as some sort of stupid revenge for marital dry spells in the past - that were not of my choosing. I have explored the cuckolding thing too and see many men report feigning impotence or lack of interest in hopes that the wife cheats. it is getting more popular. look on this site. Plus, if he watches **** and wacks off, I say there's more than 50-50 that this is somewhere in his mind. Cheating is a chicken cr@p way out. And if it has gotten that bad what's the harm in telling him you will have another man take his place? 50-50 he goes for it.

Cuckolds exist, but that's not what I see on this site, at least not the majority. A good number of the women on this board are not complaining that their husbands want to see them bang other men, Their husbands don't want them to see anyone else - at all, (swap genders and it's the same story). Their spouses want them for themselves. It's weird **** in this world, just as weird as what you've mistaken it for.

Was it YOU who generated this 'last ditch' salvage attempt for the marriage ? or his ?

Your level of enthusiasm for it seems quite underwhelming which suggests 2 things.
1 - it has no hope of success (as you need two fully engaged enthusiastic spouses for this to have any chance of working)
2 - it wasn't your idea

What are you hoping to achieve out of the process.

Tread your own path.

As a man i would think he's always going to want it. I understand this is supposed to be supportive and all, but have you looked critically into your past to ask yourself if you started it? Obviously he continues it, so shame on him, but you should talk to him. Maybe he would get off on you being with other men and you two could find fun in that.

Oh talking??!!! Really? Why did we never think of that??

high five enna

gibby yea that is to funny........... yea my guy talks like he is an open sexual guy but like yours, my guy would be blushing to the point his face would be on fire.

Ok already. My thought was not that popular. Sorry ladies, but enough already.

1 More Response

Your husband is getting all of his needs met and this is why he doesn't want a divorce. You on the other hand have tried to talk to him about your needs only to be met with silence. If he is sincere about making this marriage work, approach him with the idea of marriage counseling and see how he reacts. If he refuses your request, then you can decide if you want to continue this life or not.

So far his choices are solely for himself and he is showing you no respect. Sadly people seldom change but he can if he is willing to put in some hard work through counseling. Ultimately you have to look out for yourself and decide if you are willing to share a life with a man who denies you the right of marital intimacy. What you can live with for the rest of your life. Peace,D

Thanks :-(

"I would love to hear some comments coming from the other side... From the ones that neglects and rejects their spouses when it comes to intimacy."
I don't think they ever bother to read this EP... Pretty sure they are in peace with themselves and have no idea about the extend of your suffering... Don't kid yourself, that your husband all the time thinking how to save the marriage and put passion and sex back into... He is not...
He is perfectly OK now... Why he would like to change anything? It is your problem and your suffering... Not his...
You do not need to save your marriage... It is in stable state as it was before... And it will last indefinetely, if you don't brake it...
What do you want to understand? What for? Will you be happier if you get exact knowledge, that your husband has low testosterone level and doesn't want to do anything about it? Your marriage still will be sexless...
Chasing WHY will not change anything... and the choices are still the same-
1 Accept and stay sexless
2 Outsource your needs
3 Leave

I have never heard of PA behavior before ... I just read about it. Difficult for me to say he is or not at this point, but I will definitlely bring it up with the psycologist ( if he really goes trought w counselling like he said he would)
So you find that out for yourself and... Are you still in your SM?
Thanks :-)

Yes...I found out my husband has BPD... In a way it was a relief as I became aware,that it was not all in my head and I was not too sensitive... All his patterns and even exact phrases were described in books and it was known and existing condition...
SM came into much later... Yes, I am still in my SM, but I am not sexless any more... I am not going to fix my SM, it is unfixable and completely dead in this respect...


Maybe our notions of marriage are wrong. Maybe we are supposed to raise children with the provider and the good father who doesn't have passion for us but find passion elsewhere.

May I ask what made you break it off with your lover? What made you decide to give the marriage another try? I am contemplating the affair route myself.

Thanks for the insight...
Well, I guess it is a mix of things that makes me want to try and I know it probably will lead me to more disappointment... One is to avoid the distress of a divorce for the children an for us... I know and I read a lot about how the children can even benefit when a marriage like this ends, but in my particular case I pretend very well and they really think everything is great ... the other reason is fear of so many things... The biggest one; Fear of finding love but never find the balance on other aspects of a couples life and then love not being enough ...

Think on this. You are teaching you children to pretend everything is OK when it is not. Never make the mistake that children cannot see through your behaviour. They may not underastandf the "whys" but they fully understand the behaviour. Currently your children are learning that, when a person is unhappy, they swallow that misery and pretend to be happy . . . Do you really want your kids to learn that life lesson??

True.... :-(