So Sad TonightTonight is our anniversary. We did nothing at all to celebrate. No drinks together, no dinner out, no nothing. He's not a super romantic man but usually we go out to dinner for our anniversary. His parents watch our child for us. This morning he didn't say a word about it, not until a few minutes ago when he was going to bed early. A kiss on the forehead and a "oh, happy anniversary. going to bed. tired tonight."
I didn't expect to make love. Maybe I hoped for it but I kind of know better by now than to let that actually get my hopes up. Sometimes I wish he were abusive or harsh or difficult to get along with or was not taking care of me and our son well so I could have a reason to leave. As it stands there is nothing that appears to be wrong enough to go while I have a small child. Nothing that I would feel good enough about breaking up a not-happy but not-as-bad-as-some family.
I've been thinking about 'outsourcing' lately. I signed up for one of those affair sights and got almost 400 messages in a few days. Most were crude and really not what I would be seeking. So while I'm kind of headed down this path I kind of dread it at the same time. I don't think about an affair and get excited. I think about it and feel sad for how far our relationship has fallen and a bit resentful that I may have to do this or get a divorce and then do this to get my needs to feel sexual and sexy met.
It makes me so sad tonight.