Introduction And Advice - Man Trying To Decide If It Is Time To Look Outside For IntimacyLong post – Sorry!
I was happy to have finally found a group like this that seems to have a nice balance of all sides of the issues involved with a sexless marriage. I have taken a good look around this group and see lots of different sides and histories, didn’t find a story exactly like mine and am therefore looking for ideas.
The “typical” part of our story – Both in our early 40s, have been married 20 years. She never had a strong sex drive, but did enjoy it. Interest gradually dropped, not due to any particular big event, to the point where she now won’t even touch me and “hides” when getting undressed at night so I won’t even see her naked.
The “different” part of our story – She has a medical condition that meant we could not have biological kids and has had some major surgery that makes sex very difficult. For years we have not “gone all the way”, but I was OK with that. We both still had lots of fun and would both enjoy the sex we had very much. ******’s and such were not an issue and toys worked wonders for her. We adopted three awesome kids along the way who are still quite young ranging from 6 to early teen.
Our lack of sex is therefore not about falling out of love, it seems to be that she has simply reached the point where it is absolutely not of interest to her. Essentially she has the sex-drive of a 70 year old given the age that menopause occurred for her. I can’t blame her for that, and no amount of romance, candle-light dinners, etc. is going to fix that!
When we do take a night off from the kids (date night) it is great fun, we fall into bed exhausted and happy, but a quick peck on the cheek, perhaps some hugging, and then her nose is in a book or she’s asleep, seemingly unaware that I was hoping the night would end the way it used to years ago.
We have both been faithful. We rarely fight (when we do it is not about sex, just usual day-to-day marriage stuff).
So now what?
I have tried for almost a year to suppress my urges, but it is making me crazy, emotional, unpredicatable (but I have not been mean or exerted lots of pressure on her). She does put pressure on herself and when we do talk about sex she feels huge amounts of guilt over not having any interest. The “do nothing’ approach is not really working for either of us, hence my reason to join this board.
Divorce just seems stupid, given that everything else in our life is going well. Leaving “just for sex” seems so wrong. But I worry that it is going to happen eventually anyway given many of the stories on this board. Heck, she might end up leaving me just because she wants the guilt to end.
Or do I look for an outside friend with benefits (FWB). No idea how to find such a person and have read many posts on the pitfalls and horror stories (as well as some shining successes).
I don’t think I can get permission/acceptance from my spouse for the FWB route.
Please don’t post about ways to “fix” her. After 20 years of doctors, therapists, etc. and given the surgeries that have occurred, this is really not a viable option.