Emotionally Checked Out

I was wondering if there is anyone else who did absolutely everything to change their spouse, with no success......
Gave up, really really gave up, and out of nowhere the tables have completely turned?
I know to many reading this it may seem like all you've ever wanted, but believe me, when you try so hard, beg so long & finally give up, it is your worst nightmare.
He is in the process of the 40 day Fireproof Love Dare.
I read something a while ago about tipping the boat, and how I've tried for so long to push it over, now it is me that is refusing to make it upright after he finally recognized that it was sinking. It seems the shoe fits......
nurse1031 nurse1031
41-45, F
10 Responses Nov 11, 2012

I think that's where I am headed, but if so it isn't a tactic.
Finally asking her point blank if our sex life would ever get better, and hearing her answer (no) was painful and left only one conclusion. Nothing will change unless she does.

I don't initiate any kind of physical contact any more. Doing so just sets me up for up for more disappointment, frustration and depression. But suppressing that desire sometimes feels like I am just shutting down emotionally. I'm not exactly sure where I am now, but after getting over the last "talk," something about my outlook has changed. Not necessarily better, but different. Maybe I patched some holes in my heart with brick.Or pruned an ugly branch of my psyche. Something's different.

I have nearly given up entirely, and have pretty much given up asking. But, I'm a man. My wife is a knockout. If she suddenly wanted hot dirty action or tender love I would take one for the team. Let him try to make it up to you before you pull the plug.

Please read some of my stories. I was where you are now, with a husband who finally jumped in and worked after I checked out. I stuck it out and stayed while he worked, which was very painful and difficult. Things have been really good with us for almost a year now, and I can say that it was absolutely worth it to stick it out. http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-A-Woman-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/1691551

Yes, I know exactly where you are coming from. To me it felt like I lost respect and trust for her. I lost the ability to let her have the full me back. We lose the ability to put that effort back in.....In my life I've never known a better use of the phrase "too little, too late" ... Too late really sums it up, they let the damage happen, they allowed us to check out.

Oh yes. And now that I'm getting a bit of perspective on the matter (though
nothing like a full view), I suspect it's par for the course. The last few
times I tried to explain that I was going to bail unless my wife made some
effort, she'd beg and she'd plead and she'd promise to change. It kept me
on the chain for another couple of years, so job done I guess. To paraphrase
earlier wisdom "they don't want you, they just don't want you to go".

The truly sad part about this behaviour of your husband's - and that of other spouses who do the same thing - is that this is STILL "all about him". HE doesn't want you to leave so he is pulling out all the stops to try and ensure that doesn't happen.

But you don't want a husband who only wants to have sex with you in order to keep you in the marriage, do you? You want a husband who wants to have sex with you. Full stop! NOT as a "last desperate measure to keep us together" . . . :(

Don't fall for it. He may not even realise himself that this is the motivation for his sudden change - but it is. He can feel himself losing control of the situation so he is doing what he can to get that control back.

Whilst YOU were doing all the work of trying to hold things together, he didn't have to do anything (as he saw it!) because you were putting in all the effort. Now you have stopped doing that, he realises he WILL lose you and he doesn't want that to happen. So he starts putting in some effort. . . .

But ask yourself these questions:
"Do I want a husband who only wants me because I make his life more comfortable? If he TRULY cared for me, why didn't he put in this effort when he knew I was unhappy? Why did he wait until I had given up before doing anything?"

And above all, ask yourself this BIG question:
"Do I really WANT him in my life after all this rejection?"
You may find that what you once longed for more than life itself has become a cold ember instead of a glowing coal . . . . .

I like this x20

Yup. THey recognize they are about to lose you and jump at the challenge to reel you back in. A number of people on here have "fallen for it", and things seem to revert soon after they "give in"...

It's over. Depending on whether you can be nice to each other, you might be able to continue living together. But the marriage in its full sense is over.

I do that and I just have a "Mexican Stand Off" happening.

I have not initiated sex for two months now and am beginning to believe the sombrero fits !

I have a feeling this is about to happen to me. After years of neglect, my W keeps hugging me and trying to initiate physical contact. It's everything I can do not to recoil. Good luck.

I know that recoil feeling. I'm there. I'm finally about to look for an attorney.