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Stupidity

Ugh more drama from the land of the stupid. First of all I spoke with my ex lover PB (see my other stories) ... he actually called me Friday night. He was drunk and on the way to buy more whiskey. He is in a deep depression and attempting to self medicate. He feels hopeless. I tried to say my piece and get some closure but he was so out of it that it was a futile exercise. I told him that I wouldn't get back with him and he suddenly got really quiet and ended the conversation.


I felt really bad because the last thing I want to do is plunge him into a deeper depression. But it was the right thing to do. He needs to heal and get his life in shape before he can be with anyone. It was utterly heart wrenching but I know I did the right thing. I was really upset but at the same time proud of myself that I didn't cave in.


And then I ruined everything by doing something really dumb.

Last night I spent the night with a man I have known for several years and have had a flirtation with. He is really a great guy. He knows about my situation and actually told me he would be willing to wait until I was unencumbered because he really cares for me and doesn't want to be a rebound. That was a completely unexpected development. But of course as soon as we got together we threw all caution to the wind and had sex.

At any other time I would have been pinching myself because this guy is charming, romantic and gorgeous. But it just makes me sad. I was still thinking about PB. It was too soon to do that. Now I feel awkward and insecure. That sexual act has probably damaged what might have been a lovely friendship. We should have kept it that way. Maybe 6 months from now we could have tried it. Because right now I am in such turmoil.

Obviously I haven't heard from him today. I feel really foolish. I confided in a friend and she told me that this guy has slept his way through our social circle ...

After 14 years of a sexless marriage I feel like a stupid teenager. It was so easy to get carried away since I hadn't had it in so long. I crave the emotional and physical intimacy, but right now it is totally screwing with my judgement.

My friend decided to spend a year celibate. Maybe I will join her.




VogonPoetry VogonPoetry 31-35, F 12 Responses Nov 11, 2012

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Wow, just wow!
(I'm not judging....I just feel for you. I wouldn't have the guts to go there again (intimate realations).....

I thought you were going to try to make it work with your husband?

Since we've friended I've read some of your stories, but I didn't realize you were in a sexless marriage. No wonder you feel the need to be loved!

Please forgive yourself!
Give yourself TIME to know someone, before getting intimate.
I know....you've gone so long without 'it'....but throwing caution to the wind isn't making you happy either.
I don't think you should wait a year, unless that's what YOU feel YOU need.

Keep in mind the average relationship last 3 months......

I hope things get better for you, and your daughter!

((((Major Hugs)))

Not a bad idea (the celibate thing.)

Sorry about the ex. But if you are enabling his dysfunction, or not able to withstand his healing process, then you are doing the best long-term thing for both of you.

As for the the new guy...He's a sweet, romantic, handsome, charming...slutpuppy. You were likely ready to explode with suppressed sexuality, so you jumped his bones.
Feel better? I hope so.

He has sex with his friends...because to him sex is probably not attached to a deep committed relationship.
-This also makes him unlikely to be happily monogamous!-
So...you probably just got from him what he's good for.
You're allowed to feel ****** if you want to...
But who says you too can't have casual recreational sex?
Where is it written we females can't do that, eh?

If he wants more from you than a good horizontal hokey-pokey, he'll tell you.
Meanwhile, don't wait around for him, get out there and do some dating.
He probably wasn't that great of a catch anyway.

(Proudly standing up for the right to get horizontal with people...)

Don't overthink it. I did this more than once after I left the gate. You had good sex with a hot guy. Leave it at that. So what if he did it with the other women in your circle? As long as you had fun and didn't get an STD or an unwanted pregnancy, chalk it up to experience.

Can't help thinking that if your friend is going to go celibate for a year and you are going tojoinjoin her,then that in itself could lead to some interesting experimentation!
Or perhaps my mind is wandering too much!

Good luck!

I am relying on all of you who are so brave as to have crazy sex with random people telling me about your stories so I won't feel so stupid when I finally break down and have sex with someone slightly-to-totally unsuitable as well.

Thank you for leading the way.

I should write the manual ... "How to pick the wrong guy".

I had sex with 3 different guys in a 4 day period ranging in age from 29 to 60. All of them great in their own way. I won't do that again because it was highly risky. I got very lucky, and I'm usually not so lucky. I doubt I'll score so well again & it took a lot of mental effort due to the strategic planning to arrange those flings. Now, I'm preferring to focus on one person, or none at all.

Look, if you have sex with someone you're not serious about...you are still having sex.
Woody Allen said: "Of all the cheap and meaningless experiences to be had, casual sex is one of the best of them."

dust yourself off, don't look back, and focus your energy on getting *out*. bazz is absolutely right. give yourself a pass.

So in all your stories, you have barely mentioned your husband. Where is he in all of this?

We are separated and working on a divorce. We are doing our best to keep things amicable.

End stage of SM. Has sex with someone, Yep. Normal. Don't dwell on it. (Oh, and by doing that, that's how you find someone else...). Really, it's normal.

Your friends say he's not worth pursuing - so if the sex was good and he willingly disappears on his own volition you're the winner here.

Just be more careful to do some relational homework in the future.

Just because you did something your not proud off doesn't mean that you didn't learn anything! Times like this has us displaced. Just let it go and be proud that you learned from the experience.

Well I - of course - have never made a dumb choice in my entire life, so I will now lecture you on what you oughtta do.

Actually, I won't. In fact, I reckon you could give yourself a pass on this one. You could take out of it that, just maybe, you don't always check out things as well as you could. The fabulous PB had a history which you knew of, this latest dude had a history (that your friend knew of) that was 'discoverable'. Might need to re-tune you bullshit detection antenna.

I do think however, that you need to get the focus back on the main game here - your dysfunctional marriage and its' future, if any.

Tread your own path.