Ugh more drama from the land of the stupid. First of all I spoke with my ex lover PB (see my other stories) ... he actually called me Friday night. He was drunk and on the way to buy more whiskey. He is in a deep depression and attempting to self medicate. He feels hopeless. I tried to say my piece and get some closure but he was so out of it that it was a futile exercise. I told him that I wouldn't get back with him and he suddenly got really quiet and ended the conversation.
I felt really bad because the last thing I want to do is plunge him into a deeper depression. But it was the right thing to do. He needs to heal and get his life in shape before he can be with anyone. It was utterly heart wrenching but I know I did the right thing. I was really upset but at the same time proud of myself that I didn't cave in.
And then I ruined everything by doing something really dumb.
Last night I spent the night with a man I have known for several years and have had a flirtation with. He is really a great guy. He knows about my situation and actually told me he would be willing to wait until I was unencumbered because he really cares for me and doesn't want to be a rebound. That was a completely unexpected development. But of course as soon as we got together we threw all caution to the wind and had sex.
At any other time I would have been pinching myself because this guy is charming, romantic and gorgeous. But it just makes me sad. I was still thinking about PB. It was too soon to do that. Now I feel awkward and insecure. That sexual act has probably damaged what might have been a lovely friendship. We should have kept it that way. Maybe 6 months from now we could have tried it. Because right now I am in such turmoil.
Obviously I haven't heard from him today. I feel really foolish. I confided in a friend and she told me that this guy has slept his way through our social circle ...
After 14 years of a sexless marriage I feel like a stupid teenager. It was so easy to get carried away since I hadn't had it in so long. I crave the emotional and physical intimacy, but right now it is totally screwing with my judgement.
My friend decided to spend a year celibate. Maybe I will join her.