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How Can Love Be So Lonely?

Man, I honestly don't even know where to start this. I have read peoples' stories on here for a year, empathized with them and cried... but never considered writing mine.

Until now, because I feel so alone. My SO is 20 feet from me taking a nap but I feel as far from him as a person could.

When we met, it was like one whole person coming together. We were set up to play cards together and, throughout a few months, became good friends. By the time we went on a date, it seemed like the most natural progression in the world. And when I nervously put my hand on top of his and he didn't pull away, I felt like the happiest girl in the universe.

After our first date, he called me and asked if I would meet him for breakfast before we got together to play cards. I knew something was up. He asked me how I felt about him and where I saw us going. It had only been one date, but, as he informed me, he has cancer and didn't want to hide it from me. I was stunned but, really, illness doesn't scare me and I just KNEW he was right for me so we just plunged forward.

The first time I spent the night with him was when he called me two days later and said he was terrified of an appointment with his doctor in the morning. He didn't want to be alone and asked me to come over.

As I lay in his bed while he showered, I anxiously considered all the things that we humans usually do during those times. Will we have sex? Did I shave well? Will he think I'm fat? Then my thoughts turned to my recent revelations about a passionate life. For a year I had been healing from a nasty divorce and he was the first man I had gone to bed with. In that time, I had reconsidered what I wanted.. and a passionate sex life with a man who knows what he is doing is high on my list these days. I want a man who will play rough, take charge and make me give in to his will.

Is he going to think I'm a freak?

He came to bed, turned off the lights and we began kissing. In a short time, he pulled my hair, slapped me gently and grabbed my chin to give me a hard, demanding kiss.

It was perfect. I found the man I needed.... and the promise of what was to come made me lust for the next day.

But day after day after day, we never had intercourse. The foreplay was intense and I wanted it badly, for the first time in my life.

He had an fear of impregnating me. We got condoms.
That wasn't assurance enough. I went on the pill.
That wasn't enough either. I got morning-after pills.

It was no huge deal because we were still fooling around and getting off, so it certainly wasn't the end of the world. But then the fooling around stopped and the height of the passion was some hot kissing. I wanted more.

He told me he was too stressed. I laid off.
He said he wanted me to come onto him sometimes. I crawled on his lap.
He said he couldn't see the TV past me and moved me.

After a few months, we got to where there was nothing. It has now been more than one year of zero romance and A LOT of stress in our home. If I come onto him in any way, he pushes me aside or tells me he is busy. It doesn't matter what he is doing, he doesn't have time to even kiss me passionately.

If I try to discuss it, he gets angry with me or says all I want is sex, which greatly offends me and demeans the depth of our relationship.

I am so sad. I have told him how much the rejection hurts but he continues to do it, even though I only attempt to kiss him or touch him sexually about once a month because I am so scared of being shot down.

I told him I would leave. That I cannot settle for this. He said he can't live without me and that he is dependent on me (which he is for many things). I am too weak to leave. I love him and I know he loves me deeply too but I just am so tired of missing out. I hate that I can't kiss the man I love or wrap my arms around him and have him kiss me back. Is it really such a chore?

I am very attractive. I am younger than him and I get a lot of male attention. He doesn't lust for anyone else or pull his weenie in the shower. It just doesn't exist for him. There isn't time for it in his world, no matter how important it is to me.

I love him without end but I have become a very sad and angry person throughout this ordeal. I have given up a lot to help him through the most difficult time in his life and I resent that he doesn't at least meet me halfway on this. How can I get past my struggle here? Do I really have to break it off and leave him in the lurch?

Thanks for reading. It is cathartic to write. You all have the right idea. :)

makoonse makoonse 26-30, F 14 Responses Nov 11, 2012

Your Response


You know, it is a wake-up call reading these responses. It is tough because we both became different people through his illness. Our temperaments and priorities changed. He went one way and I went another, which I understand... but it is hard because I remember the way we were before and how we had so much promise and it is tough to let that go and really accept that we as lovers are GONE. I keep hoping it will come back. When people say cancer effects the family, it is real. Not the puking, the weight loss, the sleeping.. but the way it makes you hate yourself and life and ruins your emotional ties with people. I never saw that part coming.

I agree with GibbySan about him being manipulative and putting you on the spot, after the first date and making you want to "save" and "help" him.
The same thing happened to my husband, who is an ACOA (adult child of alcoholics) and has co-dependent tendencies.
A woman, related to his past, did just that - put so much pressure on him after the first meeting, making him want to 'save' and 'help' her. She also told him 'You may think that I'm crazy'. Actually, she was telling him the truth about herself; she turned out to be so manipulative and so dysfunctional crazy that she managed to exert so much influence on my H to such an extent that our marriage almost broke down and I was very close to a nervous breakdown myself, at first I believe I was the one who was crazy.

When you told him you would leave, he never said, he cant live without you and he loves you, did he? Instead he said he cant live without you and he is dependent on you.
Another guilt trip so you feel bad about leaving him because he needs you so much to stay and look after him.

reading your story with sadness. settle for this for the rest of your life and be unhappy, angry, resentful, depressed, and a host of other ugly feelings. OR leave and live and be happy and love someone who truly loves you back. clear to me. spent 30 years unhappy in one such sinking ship of relations. free now...look at your story as if reading a stranger's words...what do you think then? hugssssssssssssssssssss....

I really feel for you and your situation. I see several things going on here, and I am speaking from experience of this. I see you as putting your needs and desires aside for someone who really does not appreciate you at all as a woman. It is too hard and unfair for any of us to try to tell you what to do. We cannot read this man's mind. He could have many fears because of his cancer, and I believe it should be dealt with. I believe he should be willing to seek some sort of counseling, because as you said, he won't talk about it with you. If it was not for the fact that you said he has cancer, I would highly recommend checking into him more and seeing if anything else is going on. If this man truly loved you, I would think he would by now, want more intimacy with you, if he knows you are willing, and not fearful about it. Normally people are not afrraid of having sex with someone they love, even with the cancer going on. Your needs are just as important as his, and he is being horribly selfish here. I seriously would tell him that it must be discussed, and give him the option: talk with you openly and honestly, or talk with a counselor with you. Tell him if he refuses, then you must go your own way. Very hard to do, because he has managed to make you carry such guilt over your own needs. Sex is not the most important thing of course and people can go with out it. But, I really feel that there is more missing than just the sexual relations going on. He should be able to clear this up with you, if he cares at all about you. He is letting his won selfishness take over. This man who is going through cancer should by now be able to consider you in this situation, and of all people; should understand the impiortance of time. I wish you all the best in your life, and hope he will wake up from his own place he has crawled into.

I feel for you, only cause I also am going through almost the exact same thing as you are and to say the least I feel exactly the same way you feel. So just want you to know you are not alone...

Have you thought about finding a special friend or maybe cyber online to help fill your void ?.

That isn't really what I am after. It isn't simply that I'm horny. It is more that I want to share that loving connection with the man I love. Just hooking up isn't going to satisfy my needs. I want to have the freedom to wake up, look in someone's eyes and be able to kiss them deeply out of love and respect without being rejected.

I understand and that only leaves you one option and I know it will be very haed to do but you should`nt have to suffer like you do.

When he says he could not live without you, he means: I want to have an unpaid housekeeper/nurse/nappy-changer.

I will channel RonMcDon here and say: This man does NOT love you. If he did, he would be treating you differently; he would be treating you.

You're being suckered .... -P.

In defense, though I rarely would defend him in this area: he didn't tell me he had cancer to hook me. He legitimately wanted me to be in the know and gave me the chance to bail without becoming too attached. He wasn't ill or having any sort of side effects at the time, nor did he need any care. That began a few months later, and was a surprise to him. I feel that he, at the time, was passionate, but just lost it.

No, we have NEVER had intercourse. First it was the 'afraid of pregancy' stuff, then he got ill (to where he was feeling it). Then he had a hernia for like 6 months. But again, no 'other stuff' was happening either.

The cancer is really a side bar. His inability / unwillingness to engage you intimately is the issue here.

Yup! I'm with baz on that. Like you said, sex isn't the real issue. It's the lack of willingness to connect with you on an intimate emotional level; the kissing, cuddling and physical touch that comes from a loving emotional connection. I read somewhere that sex is only about 5% of a marriage but becomes 95% when there isn't any. It all gets terribly confusing because you're not sure what happened first or what caused what. That's where a professional counselor would help. If he's not willing to get some help with you then there is not a lot you can do. I know it sucks and it's hard, but think about it. As baz says, "tread your own path".

Thanks for the input. I hear it all. Sorry others can empathize.

Welcome to codependency hell. I'm learning tons about this affliction and the best thing I can say about it is...<br />
There's a cure. <br />
Learn all you can! And the best part? One of the treatments for codependency is learning to have fun again, and not letting the energy vampire you live with have so much control over your moods.

No point in trying to dress this up.

Yes, you need to dump him.

Guilt / obligation are the worst of all possible motives to stay.

Whether that "leaves him in the lurch" is entirely HIS affair, HIS choice, HIS business, HIS responsibility.

Tread your own path.

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate the input and advice. It helps to have reinforcement. :)

If you ever want to experience a robustly intimate relationship with a man then YES, you will have to leave him.<br />
<br />
You appear to be a caregiver/companion/helper and not a lover - in his eyes (-----"He said he can't live without me and that he is dependent on me (which he is for many things").<br />
<br />
Caregiver/helpers/companions can be hired out. Tell him to do that if he needs help as that is not your role.<br />
<br />
You need an intimately healthy man in your life. He is not it.

"He said he can't live without me and that he is dependent on me (which he is for many things). "

You can be a good friend and good support WITHOUT being married/engaged/boyfriend-girlfriend.

Feel free to read some of my early stories, wherein I told about my EX, who is chronically ill and relies on me for much.

In the end, you have to wake up in the morning with YOURSELF. Love should not involve sacrificing your entire life to another person who is not willing to give of themselves to YOU. Do you want to be here in a year, a decade, four decades?

Your partner has been through a lot physically with the cancer, but that DOESN'T mean you should give up your needs and wants. If HE really loved YOU he would recognize this and either meet you part way or let you go.