How Can Love Be So Lonely?Man, I honestly don't even know where to start this. I have read peoples' stories on here for a year, empathized with them and cried... but never considered writing mine.
Until now, because I feel so alone. My SO is 20 feet from me taking a nap but I feel as far from him as a person could.
When we met, it was like one whole person coming together. We were set up to play cards together and, throughout a few months, became good friends. By the time we went on a date, it seemed like the most natural progression in the world. And when I nervously put my hand on top of his and he didn't pull away, I felt like the happiest girl in the universe.
After our first date, he called me and asked if I would meet him for breakfast before we got together to play cards. I knew something was up. He asked me how I felt about him and where I saw us going. It had only been one date, but, as he informed me, he has cancer and didn't want to hide it from me. I was stunned but, really, illness doesn't scare me and I just KNEW he was right for me so we just plunged forward.
The first time I spent the night with him was when he called me two days later and said he was terrified of an appointment with his doctor in the morning. He didn't want to be alone and asked me to come over.
As I lay in his bed while he showered, I anxiously considered all the things that we humans usually do during those times. Will we have sex? Did I shave well? Will he think I'm fat? Then my thoughts turned to my recent revelations about a passionate life. For a year I had been healing from a nasty divorce and he was the first man I had gone to bed with. In that time, I had reconsidered what I wanted.. and a passionate sex life with a man who knows what he is doing is high on my list these days. I want a man who will play rough, take charge and make me give in to his will.
Is he going to think I'm a freak?
He came to bed, turned off the lights and we began kissing. In a short time, he pulled my hair, slapped me gently and grabbed my chin to give me a hard, demanding kiss.
It was perfect. I found the man I needed.... and the promise of what was to come made me lust for the next day.
But day after day after day, we never had intercourse. The foreplay was intense and I wanted it badly, for the first time in my life.
He had an fear of impregnating me. We got condoms.
That wasn't assurance enough. I went on the pill.
That wasn't enough either. I got morning-after pills.
It was no huge deal because we were still fooling around and getting off, so it certainly wasn't the end of the world. But then the fooling around stopped and the height of the passion was some hot kissing. I wanted more.
He told me he was too stressed. I laid off.
He said he wanted me to come onto him sometimes. I crawled on his lap.
He said he couldn't see the TV past me and moved me.
After a few months, we got to where there was nothing. It has now been more than one year of zero romance and A LOT of stress in our home. If I come onto him in any way, he pushes me aside or tells me he is busy. It doesn't matter what he is doing, he doesn't have time to even kiss me passionately.
If I try to discuss it, he gets angry with me or says all I want is sex, which greatly offends me and demeans the depth of our relationship.
I am so sad. I have told him how much the rejection hurts but he continues to do it, even though I only attempt to kiss him or touch him sexually about once a month because I am so scared of being shot down.
I told him I would leave. That I cannot settle for this. He said he can't live without me and that he is dependent on me (which he is for many things). I am too weak to leave. I love him and I know he loves me deeply too but I just am so tired of missing out. I hate that I can't kiss the man I love or wrap my arms around him and have him kiss me back. Is it really such a chore?
I am very attractive. I am younger than him and I get a lot of male attention. He doesn't lust for anyone else or pull his weenie in the shower. It just doesn't exist for him. There isn't time for it in his world, no matter how important it is to me.
I love him without end but I have become a very sad and angry person throughout this ordeal. I have given up a lot to help him through the most difficult time in his life and I resent that he doesn't at least meet me halfway on this. How can I get past my struggle here? Do I really have to break it off and leave him in the lurch?
Thanks for reading. It is cathartic to write. You all have the right idea. :)