What's Next?!

As it happened to many of you I bumped into this site after googling randomly for an answer to my question on the purpose of marriage and why I did it.

It all started 4 years ago but it was only 2 yrs ago that I acknowledged there was a problem with my life. So I went to a psychiatrist to treat my depression and suicidal thoughts but he concluded that there was a reactive depression and the suicidal thoughts were just an obsession, no real threat. He sent me to cognitive behavioural therapy. The second psychiatrist argued that I was coping just fine with my life and I should actually bring my H for couple therapy which... he strongly denied.

Also there were some minor issues with my not having enough rest, regular meals and too much stress at work so I changed my job and rescheduled my life. I thought that finally it was me who saw this life in grey shadows and should change perspectives. It took me a year to come to peace with myself and understand my goals, a year to become again the joyfull, focused person I was. I've done all this by myself as the 2 shrinks I've visited denied me a helping hand.

I dedicated this last year to fighting for a better marriage, used both repressive measures (no food on the table, no clean underwear, no new clothes for him) and romantic ones (tickets for a weekend escape, nice scents in bed, heart shaped food ..). Nothing worked. So here I am for new ideas, for random group psychotherapy...
Zoom2009 Zoom2009
3 Responses Nov 12, 2012

Bazzar, thank you kindly for this reply! Along with other stories and advice I've read here (on others'stories) it comes to strengthen my belief that I joined the wrong team. However it is hard to say Stop! when there is a child involved.

Anyway, here it is! The next step is achieving a sense of independence and faith in myself. This is the next step! Thank you!

If i may ask -why do you choose to keep your mrrg? My mrrg got over 3.5 years ago, right after i had our child. I am staying in a dead mrrg just because i am scared to be a single mom. The responsibilities are galore and i am not prepared to shoulder them alone. however, i am becoming irritable, short tempered and lazy with each passing day ...as if there is no life left in me. It feels terrible to be physically abandoned after a child. And after quitting a wonderful job i don't know how to restart my life... my child loves his father and here we are growing more hateful with time ...i hate my husband for even denying me hug at times when i am low and tired or simply bogged down by the demands of motherhood . i get suicidal but know that i wld never do tht coz i love my parents and siblings way too much...but yes, it's a slow death ...i am dying...bit by bit . And my dear child has never seen the mother i would have been ...

While reading your story I went like: gee! is this someone who knows me and thinks that's funny? :)))

I've chosen to take baby steps in order to protect my daughter's right to have a family. I do not want to regret a thing. I choose to achieve an inner balance and then I'll see if I move on. (in a recent story, bazzar was speaking about serenity and grace...:)) ).

You should pull yourself out of that barrell of sadness. Your child has the best mother he/she is ever going to get. No one will ever love your child more. Not even his/her father! My pledge is for you to understand that you are useful, you have your role on this planet. And you are not replaceable!

Whatever YOU can do to enhance YOUR physical and mental well being are matters over which YOU have control. And, you exercise this control by informed choice.

Another person (say a spouse in a dysfunctional marriage) has the same obligations to themselves as you do. They make their choices, YOU don't. In fact, YOU CAN'T.

So as regards having spent 12 months trying to "fighting for a better marriage" you will have largely wasted your time - UNLESS your spouse is on the exact same page and producing the same energy and committment into the project as you. Even then, that is no guarantee of anything.

I gather from your story that this is NOT the case.

As a spouse, all YOU can ever do is own your own choices and behaviour within that dynamic. What the other person chooses, and what behaviour they exhibit, THEY own. YOU do not.

Cut to the chase, YOU can't "fix" your spouse.

All you can do is choose whether you are going to remain in a situation or not.

If it is an unsatisfactory or dysfunctional situation, then your choice is pretty much a no brainer. That of course does NOT mean that your choice is easy or without pain.

Tread your own path.