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Bewitched, Bothered And Bewildered

The Anatomy Of Closure

You meet.
You're bewitched.
You have sex.
It's not that great.
You wonder why because it's so different from your other experiences.
You ignore why you wonder.
You're bothered.
You have sex some more.
None of it is ever great.

You marry.
You don't have sex on your wedding night or anytime reasonably thereafter.
You're often hurt and confused.
You're bewildered.
This hurt and confusion manifests one/some or all of many ways:
work
food
drink
drugs
promiscuity

It goes on for years.
The missing piece eludes you but you know in the dark depths of your heart what it is.
You occasionally fight about "it."
The sex is grudging, short and non satisfying.
It is usually one-sided.

Other problems arise in the marriage that you don't handle "so well" because your mind is clouded/confused/dissatisfied over the "other" problem.

Pressure builds.
Resentment builds.
Hatred creeps in.
The fights get vicious.

You start marriage therapy.
Things go from bad to worse.
The counselor looks hopelessly and helplessly from one of you to another.
S/he (counselor) starts to make "those" statements.
One moves out of the marital bed.
You're hurt more.

Things begin to explode.

You discover this site.
You realize you're not alone.
You begin to see what is what and why "why" is why and all that.
You begin to feel some empowerment.
You begin to allow yourself to feel and express the frustration.
You start looking around.
The fog begins to clear.

What's next?

(Feel free to add your experiences/steps.)
Fool4Waiting Fool4Waiting 56-60, F 9 Responses Nov 12, 2012

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Great post -- I really started to freak out when I realized it read like a checklist of my life...

Still new to the group and working my way through things, but each step gives some clarity. A post recently on the YouTube video of the Coke Machine and his book on Necessary Endings just got added to my book list. I'm here because I'm trying to figure out the next steps -- they're becoming clearer every day. Thanks again for the story....

I just read your response to Bazz's comment.
I cannot imagine why and how somebody can speak to their partner, even estranged partner the way you've been spoken to. Worse, in front of a child you're caring for.

I am not a violent person, but have you considered introducing a baseball bat to his kneecaps? The man's not a man, he's channeling a swine.

What's next ?
well the emotional distancing has been underway for a while by this stage so it progreses.
You find that your spouses behaviours have isolated you.
You may yet again attempt to make the spouse relevant in your life.
You eventually realise that spouses behaviour has made them irrelevant in your life as a spouse.
You eventually realise that spouses behaviour has made them irrelevant in your life even as a room mate.

Pivotal time here, as mileages start to vary a real lot.

One person will act on kicking them out / leaving once the spouse has made themself irrelevant as a spouse.
Another may need the spouse to make themselves irrelevant as even a room mate before they will unload them.
Another needs the refuser to truly become completely irrelevant before they"ll consider unloading them. And where this standard of proof is needed, then the refuser is never unloaded - because no-one who has shared a life with you, however tawdry and shithouse it may have been, will ever become TOTALLY irrelevant to you. There is always residual feeling.

Tread your own path.

You eventually realise that spouses behaviour has made them irrelevant in your life as a spouse.
You eventually realise that spouses behaviour has made them irrelevant in your life even as a room mate.

WOW!
Yesterday was our 11th marriage anniversary (notice I do not say wedding - I wonder why.)
At the eleventh hour (actually the 20th - it was 8p.m.) he sends my granddaughter in to me w/ a card - the card has his name signed on it and my name on the envelope) and a box of chocolates.
"Happy Anniversary," she says.
I make a big deal of it to her.

Ten minutes later he comes in and says, "You miserable ***** - you're the one who forgot this year." (He forgot our 10th last year and many others before that. He only remembered this year because it was the catalyst that sent us to the marriage counselor last year.)

I thought to myself, "I didn't forget you miserable *******. I don't care," but didn't say it as my granddaughter was standing there.

Would I have said it otherwise?

I don't think so.

I don't give a flying f@ck anymore.

What you say resonates.

As it so often does.

Here's the most disturbing part.
My granddaughter didn't want to go to bed last night at her regular time - he had her out at tumble class 'til 8 - the time she usually goes up to her bath and a disruption in routine he would have complained to our counselor about if it were me who had disrupted the baby's routine as if it were some horrid mortal sin - he often refers to my cur-like mothering skills. She says to me, when I bathe her, "Papa called me Misery. That's not nice."

She repeated it several times.

He calls me "Misery" all the time.

From the mouths of babes.

Get your granddaughter away from that man.

Bazzar, I've noticed you've brought up that concept of relevance in a relationship in other comments -- I think that's incredibly key and overlooked in so many situations. I think most of us stay where we are because of many factors that have NOTHING to do with the actual relationship -- for me, it's my sons; others have their attachments, whether financial, spiritual, whatever.
The wakeup call is realizing that your spouse is no longer relevant to your life -- forget positive or negative, it's just realizing that this person is not a part of your life anymore. A rather watershed moment -- struggling to put all of this together in my tiny little brain but the pieces are here and I think that's the one that begins the end of the story Fool4Waiting so graciously started...

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wow, most of hit the nail on the head.

Whats next? find clarity before you decide to live with it, outsorce or leave.

were you & I ever married?? seriously, I couldn't have said it better...

I knowingly married a women that did not have a sexual bone in her body. I bought the promoses on how it would be better if she was married. She lefte me high and dry on our wedding night. What's next? Either you learn to live like a monk or nun, and be happy with that due to other rewards, or you bail.

What's next? Divorce.

I think I'll drag the agony of that (for him) OUT. First a long, long separation.

Yes the order in things for the most of us!

Sex was all their was early in our marriage because it was the wifes prozac. And it was good medicine.

Now that the mental health thing is at a balance and no meds are needed it just has been so long that intimacy is out of play.

I am preparing for the time it becomes clear that she does not feel any need to change. Still trying to work through things with her, because after 33 years I owe her that much. But it helps that we did not start out with poor sexual intimacy. It was the other way - an explosive desire to explore each other.

Hope you find happiness, but it sounds like the ethical thing to do is to prepare your exit.

I don't know your circumstances but on the face of what you've experienced from her:

YOU OWE HER NOTHING