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Another Day In The Life Of..

so this morning I decided I would accompany my husband to his second marriage counseling session. He had one last week which we were both going to attend, however, after we fill out our paperwork we got the bright idea to share what each had written in the "tell your story" section...after I read mine out loud, he got abruptly up from his chair with his pout face on and stomped out of the room..not surprised but curious, I followed him and ask him what's up with that..he said he put bullet points on his and I told a story..well, the title of the section is "tell your story" so in the best reader's digest way I could I told my story from my point of view...he did not like what I was telling..especially the no sex part. So I caved and deleted the entire thing and decided I was not going to that meeting & didn't. But since I have turned a new chapter and have not been giving in to his pouting,etc..I decided last night to fill out the stuff again and went w/him this morning. Nothing much happened although I did get into the no sex,etc..and the couselor seemed interested in that. He wrote the name of a book down on a piece of paper and gave us "homework" to do after we read the first three chapters. We get in the car to leave and my husband says "so are you going to go get the book today?" now mind you, I have and have read no fewer than a dozen books on marriages & he has refused to read any of them because "i'm not a book reader..never have been"..I looked at him and said "no I'm not, I've bought enough books and I'm leaving this one up to you"..."gotcha" he said...I've being given the silent treatment along w/the pouting face now which i am happy to report is not penetrating me in the least...and we are having our first beautiful snowfall this morning..I intend to enjoy it all by myself.
suenit suenit 56-60, F 5 Responses Nov 12, 2012

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So far the marriage counseling sounds like it is working. . . for you. You did not let him bully you into deleting your story. You outed the secret of the SM to a third party. You told him that you expect him to work a minimal amount by purchasing the book. And you are enjoying the bounty of nature. Standing by your opinion of the relationship is huge.

Very good comment IMO!!

Your husband is not adding as much value to your life relative to the past.

His actions are subtracting value from the relationship bank account.

Once the debit column sum eclipses the credit column sum over whatever time you deem necessary, then you might part ways.

The reality is, in these dysfunctional marriages, that the refusing spouse engages in behaviour that -
(a) - starts to alienate you
then later
(b) - starts to make them less and less relevant to you

Once recognised (conciously or unconciously) the the process of distancing yourself from them begins. And, once begun, the process plays out to its' inevitable end.

The markers - of 'how much' the refuser has to become irrelevant to you for you to kick them out / leave will vary from person to person.

For some, that point comes early (when the refuser has made themselves irrelevant as a husband). With others, later (when they have made themselves irrelevant as even a room mate)

AND, there might never be a kick out / leave scenario, if it has to reach a point of the refuser being "totally irrelevant". No-one to whom you've been married becomes "totally irrelevant".

Tread your own path.

Sue, your husband is telling you VERY clearly in his own way that he has no intention of changing. I encourage you to continue your own journey of moving forward in your life and not concerning yourself if he is keeping pace.

The story about the bullet points is VERY telling IMO. He cannot stand to see you do something HE has not approved of or given his assent to. Because looked at from a logical viewpoint the whole business of the dot points makes NO sense in any other context!!

The pouting face and the anger at YOU not buying the book are all about "How dare you make ME take any responsibility for this situation?" As he is approaching counselling with this attitude I believe he is only attending so he can tell others (and himself): "I even went to marriage counselling with her and it STILL wasn't enough!"

Message to Sue's hubby: Going to marriage counselling when you have no intention of changing your behaviour is like attending Alcoholics Anonymous while you continue to drink as heavily as ever with no attempt to curb your drinking. It is pointless.

Hold tight to what you know is the ruth of the situation and don't let him "guilt" you with his sulks. Your ILIASM friends are here to support you whhen it gets extra hard. {{{hugs}}}

i hear you loud and clear..I'm marching on..thank you..hugs are welcome:)

Oh dear. Your situation doesn't sound like it is going to any kind of plan.I know this has been posted before, but it is pretty much a seminal "wake you up and smell the coffee" type message that is hard to ignore. If your husband doesn't like books perhaps spending 5min and 40 seconds watching this clip may get his attention, http://youtu.be/SEy4qEZ0mNs (The Henry Cloud Coke machine analogy) I wish you well.

that is an awesome youtube De!!! thank you so much...made my day & point very well taken. I'm just done...done and more done. If any kind of wake up call comes from it then that would be great..if not, I've done everything known to man to save it & if and when I walk away it will be with my head held high..thanks again for the post!

De12,
Thank you very much for that coke machine link. Sometimes, when I'm feeling "down" or perhaps "doubtful" about my own situation - I come here to the EP site and find something that helps me regain proper perspective or something that perhaps is inspiring. This video is one such gem. Thanks!!!!

Yes, thank you for the link. It perfectly sums up how I have been feeling in my relationship with my wife. I am going to send her a link to it.