I Live In a Sexless Marriage
I just got back this weekend from a solo vacation to Colorado. I went up through Pueblo, Denver, and spend two nights in Estes Park. I was gone a week.
I had been discussing this idea with my wife of a vacation alone for some months. Being a penny pincher, she did not really think it was a great idea because of the price of gas and hotel rooms, but she did not try to stop me at all. She knew I needed some time away.
I went up into the Rocky Mountain National Park. I hiked up on some of the hiking trails, up high into the mountains. The lakes up there are stunning, the water so clear you can easily see the bottom, and the sky so crystalline blue like nothing I had ever seen before. Everything around you looks so crisp and sharp, colors look so incredibly vivid, so pure from the unpolluted white light of the sun. It is a visual sharpness I had never experienced before. The animals have no fear of humans. The birds will land practically next to you. The deer and elk do not even acknowledge that you are there. Perhaps it is the season, they have more important things on their minds, but it is as if you are invisible to them.
I spent the entire time alone. I did make conversation with people, but nothing beyond small talk and discussions about the area.
I learned a few things about myself, my wife, and my marriage. My wife, upon my return, did not ask questions. She avoided conversation that would possibly reveal too much about what I did with my time. She welcomed me home politely, listened to me talk about my experiences, and generally just gave me space. She does not know if I met someone while I was away, but I do think she believes I may have. based on our conversations in the recent past, she does not feel that to be any of her business. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, especially with her, but I have retreated. Now she is left guessing. She seems to be fine with not knowing, I am am fine with not letting her know.
But nothing happened, in that I did not meet up with anyone. As I spent my time alone, I began to enjoy my time alone more and more. By the last couple of nights, I think someone else being there would have ruined it for me. As it was, I was able to see how I act when I have no one but myself to be concerned with, and no pressures from anyone to do anything or to act in any particular way. What kind of person am I? I got a glimpse.
What struck me most as I started to gather my things and thoughts for the trip home was this: I am a better person alone than I am with my wife. I am less agitated. I am calm. I have patience that I did not know I had. Little things that typically trigger anger no longer did. I could easily spend long stretches of time in one place, watching the world around me, saying nothing at all. I found myself in a place free from criticism. I did not spend emotional energy worrying about how what I say would be interpreted. The energy I had been using to keep things calm in my marriage, I no longer had to spend. I could just breathe. Instead of the cluttered mind I normally exist in, I could clear my mind to listen to my own, genuine thoughts. No need to react to anyone around me, no need to react to my wife, I was free to let my mind explore how I really felt. And I cried.
I found that the way I react and interact with people changed. I was no longer abrupt and impatient. I found myself becoming more accommodating, more polite, and more relaxed. People treated me likewise, with respect and acceptance that I am not accustomed to. It felt so good.
So, I am back home. I have not discussed any of my feelings with my wife. She doesn't seem to want to know. And I am not obligated to share them with her. I am now more acutely aware of just how emotionally separated we are. I am at peace with it.
I had been discussing this idea with my wife of a vacation alone for some months. Being a penny pincher, she did not really think it was a great idea because of the price of gas and hotel rooms, but she did not try to stop me at all. She knew I needed some time away.
I went up into the Rocky Mountain National Park. I hiked up on some of the hiking trails, up high into the mountains. The lakes up there are stunning, the water so clear you can easily see the bottom, and the sky so crystalline blue like nothing I had ever seen before. Everything around you looks so crisp and sharp, colors look so incredibly vivid, so pure from the unpolluted white light of the sun. It is a visual sharpness I had never experienced before. The animals have no fear of humans. The birds will land practically next to you. The deer and elk do not even acknowledge that you are there. Perhaps it is the season, they have more important things on their minds, but it is as if you are invisible to them.
I spent the entire time alone. I did make conversation with people, but nothing beyond small talk and discussions about the area.
I learned a few things about myself, my wife, and my marriage. My wife, upon my return, did not ask questions. She avoided conversation that would possibly reveal too much about what I did with my time. She welcomed me home politely, listened to me talk about my experiences, and generally just gave me space. She does not know if I met someone while I was away, but I do think she believes I may have. ba
But nothing happened, in that I did not meet up with anyone. As I spent my time alone, I began to enjoy my time alone more and more. By the last couple of nights, I think someone else being there would have ruined it for me. As it was, I was able to see how I act when I have no one but myself to be concerned with, and no pressures from anyone to do anything or to act in any particular way. What kind of person am I? I got a glimpse.
What struck me most as I started to gather my things and thoughts for the trip home was this: I am a better person alone than I am with my wife. I am less agitated. I am calm. I have patience that I did not know I had. Little things that typically trigger anger no longer did. I could easily spend long stretches of time in one place, watching the world around me, saying nothing at all. I found myself in a place free from criticism. I did not spend emotional energy worrying about how what I say would be interpreted. The energy I had been using to keep things calm in my marriage, I no longer had to spend. I could just breathe. Instead of the cluttered mind I normally exist in, I could clear my mind to listen to my own, genuine thoughts. No need to react to anyone around me, no need to react to my wife, I was free to let my mind explore how I really felt. And I cried.
I found that the way I react and interact with people changed. I was no longer abrupt and impatient. I found myself becoming more accommodating, more polite, and more relaxed. People treated me likewise, with respect and acceptance that I am not accustomed to. It felt so good.
So, I am back home. I have not discussed any of my feelings with my wife. She doesn't seem to want to know. And I am not obligated to share them with her. I am now more acutely aware of just how emotionally separated we are. I am at peace with it.
By:
MiddleAge
Age:
51-55
,
Male
17
responses
