Night And DayLast night I finally talked to my H, who has been on the west coast since we separated in July. As you may have read, I've hardly heard from him while he has been attempting to get his life back together---because of his depression, his inability/unwillingness to deal with reality, and his passive aggression, his entire life has fallen apart. Marriage, job, social life, health, etc. Suffice it to say, I was so irritated when I got off the phone and woke up angry.
It's been very hard for me to pull the trigger on serving him the papers while he is living penniless in his parents' house. As much as I'd like closure, I just can't bring myself to kick him while he's so down. I can't imagine anything more humiliating than being served divorce papers while living with your parents at age 42. Especially with his nutjob narcissist mother.
In the meantime, out of the blue I started a torrid love affair with a much younger friend (he had a huge thing for me---I was totally oblivious). We spent 8 days straight together during Sandy and it was AMAZING. I like every single thing about him! And he feels the same way about me. And the sex!!!! It was unbelievable, paradigm-shifting---I have never experienced the kind of freedom, passion, excitement, and connection we have together. The whole thing has taken me completely by surprise. It sounds crazy but we are falling in love. Where it will go, who can say, but I plan to enjoy every nanosecond of it with complete abandon! To that end we are meeting in Iceland the day after Thanksgiving for a week of love and adventure! CARPE DIEM. Life is short, and I'm not going to waste any more time being unhappy.
So anyway, last night I finally talked to my H---he has gotten some job offers on the west coast and we needed to discuss the next move. My god, he is SO emotionally constipated! He did what he always does----throws me some crumbs of love, to see how little I'll settle for.
It was like he expected me to cry and beg him not to take the offers out there---because that would effectively be the last nail in the coffin of our marriage. To the contrary, I told him to take the job, start a new life and be happy.
When we split, the deal was that we'd make a decision by Thanksgiving. Suddenly, after doing absolutely NOTHING to repair the relationship since July, he wants to know what I've decided. I was like, "Why would I be any more inclined to want you back now after 4+ months of silence? You've done nothing to make me think it would be any different, or that you even really care about me. Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder, but in our case it's just been inertia. It doesn't sound like either of us really want to do what it would take, or are willing to, and that's fine. Let's not force it. Let's move on. It's fine. I've given every ounce of love and energy and commitment and creativity to making this relationship work, and it wasn't enough. I don't have anything left to give that I haven't already given. I give up."
The truth of the matter is that he still thinks we are EQUALLY responsible for what happened to our marriage. In our last convo he apologized for screwing everything up, said he was so ashamed of his behavior, that it was his fault. But I can see it's all bullshit. He doesn't truly accept responsibility---it's just words.
Finally he burst out in frustration, "Did you really expect me to win you back over these past months? Did you think I was going to send love letters and flowers and all that?" Uh...no, I didn't think you would, because from your past track record over the last 5+ years, I know not to get my hopes up.
I said, "No, I didn't think you would. But that's what I WANT. I want to be with someone who can't imagine living without me. I want passion. I want fun. I want to be happy. I don't want to be in any relationship out of obligation---I want to be in it because I'm *choosing* to be in it every day."
As usual, he gives the least amount and acts like it's the maximum anyone could do. He wants me to take all of the emotional risks and do all the heavy lifting. I'm the one that has to be the grown up and decide what happens next. I'm the one that has to put myself out there.
WHAT A CONTRAST to the new guy!!! This is a man who sends me love letters every day, who is completely open, brave, passionate, creative, affectionate, who has no problem sharing his feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, who actually WANTS to love and be loved without reservation. Who *needs* to give love freely. And (most importantly) can.
Instead of subsisting on crumbs of love, I finally get to feast! Whatever happens with this new relationship, I am so thankful for this experience. It has made it a million percent clear that I don't need to settle for crumbs anymore.