Night And Day

Last night I finally talked to my H, who has been on the west coast since we separated in July. As you may have read, I've hardly heard from him while he has been attempting to get his life back together---because of his depression, his inability/unwillingness to deal with reality, and his passive aggression, his entire life has fallen apart. Marriage, job, social life, health, etc. Suffice it to say, I was so irritated when I got off the phone and woke up angry.

It's been very hard for me to pull the trigger on serving him the papers while he is living penniless in his parents' house. As much as I'd like closure, I just can't bring myself to kick him while he's so down. I can't imagine anything more humiliating than being served divorce papers while living with your parents at age 42. Especially with his nutjob narcissist mother.

In the meantime, out of the blue I started a torrid love affair with a much younger friend (he had a huge thing for me---I was totally oblivious). We spent 8 days straight together during Sandy and it was AMAZING. I like every single thing about him! And he feels the same way about me. And the sex!!!! It was unbelievable, paradigm-shifting---I have never experienced the kind of freedom, passion, excitement, and connection we have together. The whole thing has taken me completely by surprise. It sounds crazy but we are falling in love. Where it will go, who can say, but I plan to enjoy every nanosecond of it with complete abandon! To that end we are meeting in Iceland the day after Thanksgiving for a week of love and adventure! CARPE DIEM. Life is short, and I'm not going to waste any more time being unhappy.

So anyway, last night I finally talked to my H---he has gotten some job offers on the west coast and we needed to discuss the next move. My god, he is SO emotionally constipated! He did what he always does----throws me some crumbs of love, to see how little I'll settle for.

It was like he expected me to cry and beg him not to take the offers out there---because that would effectively be the last nail in the coffin of our marriage. To the contrary, I told him to take the job, start a new life and be happy.

When we split, the deal was that we'd make a decision by Thanksgiving. Suddenly, after doing absolutely NOTHING to repair the relationship since July, he wants to know what I've decided. I was like, "Why would I be any more inclined to want you back now after 4+ months of silence? You've done nothing to make me think it would be any different, or that you even really care about me. Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder, but in our case it's just been inertia. It doesn't sound like either of us really want to do what it would take, or are willing to, and that's fine. Let's not force it. Let's move on. It's fine. I've given every ounce of love and energy and commitment and creativity to making this relationship work, and it wasn't enough. I don't have anything left to give that I haven't already given. I give up."

The truth of the matter is that he still thinks we are EQUALLY responsible for what happened to our marriage. In our last convo he apologized for screwing everything up, said he was so ashamed of his behavior, that it was his fault. But I can see it's all bullshit. He doesn't truly accept responsibility---it's just words.

Finally he burst out in frustration, "Did you really expect me to win you back over these past months? Did you think I was going to send love letters and flowers and all that?", I didn't think you would, because from your past track record over the last 5+ years, I know not to get my hopes up.

I said, "No, I didn't think you would. But that's what I WANT. I want to be with someone who can't imagine living without me. I want passion. I want fun. I want to be happy. I don't want to be in any relationship out of obligation---I want to be in it because I'm *choosing* to be in it every day."

As usual, he gives the least amount and acts like it's the maximum anyone could do. He wants me to take all of the emotional risks and do all the heavy lifting. I'm the one that has to be the grown up and decide what happens next. I'm the one that has to put myself out there.

WHAT A CONTRAST to the new guy!!! This is a man who sends me love letters every day, who is completely open, brave, passionate, creative, affectionate, who has no problem sharing his feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, who actually WANTS to love and be loved without reservation. Who *needs* to give love freely. And (most importantly) can.

Instead of subsisting on crumbs of love, I finally get to feast! Whatever happens with this new relationship, I am so thankful for this experience. It has made it a million percent clear that I don't need to settle for crumbs anymore.

nyartgal nyartgal
36-40, F
8 Responses Nov 13, 2012

<p>What is great about your current torrid love affair is that 1) someone found you, 2) you found them, 3) there was attraction, 4) you got together, 5) you connected physically, 6) you are both on the same page, ergo, there is nothing wrong with you, you know what to do, you can do it and other people like you and what you can do. Seems to me like leaving H is an utterly fantastic idea. Saying a prayer for your follow-through and future success.</P>

Thank you! Yes, it's funny that after years of dealing with his head trips about sex, I was really at the point where I wondered if I was repulsive, or there was something wrong with me, or that I was bad in bed. 4 guys later, all of whom could not get enough, tells me that not only was that not the case, it's quite the opposite. Amazing that I ever doubted it...I have no hangups about sex or my body, I'm attractive and healthy and I love sex. Why would the problem be with ME??

Wow, somuch of your story sounds like mine except the reverse (I'm the frustrated guy in a PA relationship). I found that special person (you found that younger guy) who gave me joy, pleasure, intimacy, passion. I just wasn't smart or strong enough to TAKE ACTION and GET OUT of a failed, long-term marriage. Now that special woman has said "enough!" and moved on and I'm still "stuck" in this never-never land of a marriage. What a huge mistake I made. HUGE! File the papers! Be gracious, but GET OUT!! Life is way too short and these type of marriage partners never change and assume life will just go on as it always has. I'm filing in early 2013 and going to try to reclaim what's left of my life (I'm 61, probably too old to find someone special with so few years left). You are younger with much living yet to do. God bless you in pursuing the happiness, joy, passion and LIFE you DESERVE!

Thanks for the encouragement. The thought of going back out into the "dating" world when I already had found someone who loved me fully in ALL dimensions is scary. But I cost me that wonderful woman's love. It just happens that my long-time affair partner now lives in the Seattle area, about as far from PA as possible What a beautiful part of the world to live!

My Mom fell wildly in love and got married at 68---after years of vowing she'd never marry again! Don't give up!!

:-) She blocked my phone calls and unfriended me on Facebook and probably will ignore e-mails, but I will let her know I've filed and moved out when I do. She will have to decide whether or not to give "us" one more chance, but I can't leave for HER. I have to leave for ME. That's the only way my leaving will truly be healthy and right. If I have to start over, then I guess that will be part of this journey into the unknown. Appreciate the support!

I am grateful for the affirmation and some sense of hope. Thanks.

RobertCentralPA - 61 means nothing. My 72 year old father-in-law had found a wonderful woman, about his age, after my mother-in-law died. Remarried for over ten years, happy as a clam!

You may very well LIVE LONGER with the right person in your life!

You know, if I were in a happy, satisfying relationship that makes sense! Or, at the very least, I'd be looking FORWARD to the years left and not thinking about living in this "never-never" land I'm in now for the time I have left. Thanks!

3 More Responses

I wrote him an email today saying it's time for us to move on. I said:

It comes down to this: neither of us actually WANT to get back together. Yes, we may still love each other, and even miss each other, but neither of us has expressed even the smallest desire to do any of the things it would require to resuscitate this marriage. And even if we did want to, I have no reason to feel optimistic that it's even possible. The damage is too deep. And I'm tired. I'm waving the white flag.

I feel like you want permission from me to take this Seattle job. But instead of asking me for it, or just telling me what you want, you are passively putting the idea out there, without actually taking the risk of admitting what you want. That forces me to decide what you should do with your life: it's basically (me) "What do you want for dinner?" (you) "Well, I thought YOU wanted Italian" part 8,963.

There's just no reason to draw this painful breakup out any longer. We both know it's over, so let's just end it already.

It is what it is! Be kind to yourself now and move in a direction that is in your control entirely!

Stay single! I don't want you posting again on this site! ;D lol

Ha! Thanks!

Its definitely way past time to pull the pin. Just consider - so long as you aren't moving forward, he may well feel that doing nothing but looking helpless is actually keeping you in your current limbo. There is no impetus for him to move forward himself since the status quo is being maintained. Why would he cooperate and make separation a joint decision when it is something he does not really want to do? It is the last card - so that the decision to split is yours and he can always say that he did not want to break up the marriage. The 'Bad Guy/Girl' t shirt is not so difficult to wear. Be well.

You are a million percent right on. He is a person who lives in fear---of making the wrong move, of looking stupid, of failure. I remembered earlier how when my Mom was literally IN open heart surgery in July and he waylaid me to talk about our marriage while we waited to see if she'd survive, he said one of his biggest fears was that I'd go on Facebook and say he was a bad guy. THAT is what worried him, not that *I* would think he's a bad guy. Amazing.

NYartgal, this is lovely to read! Those amazing relationships that appear and suddenly change our lives CAN be long-lasting! Bazzar and I had that good fortune. Whilst it does not always happen that way, it certainly can! I hope very much for you that this is another such relationship. {{{hugs}}}

Thank you so much!!! I don't know what will happen but I am seizing happiness with everything I've got---however long it lasts, I am going to revel in every delicious moment!

I have read your stories with great hope for you. Probably because I am in love with your icon.

You do not own his being down -- and it seems clear to me that if the current person disappeared from your life you would seek out someone new - not your hubby -- so I suggest you file and not feel badly about it. As you say he could have done any number of things to attempt to regain your trust and love - and he chose not to. Just as he chose to move in with his parents and chose not to get some sort of job as he looked for the right job. He owns what he owns, nothing I just typed changes if you are Mother Theresa or that sea witch person mentioned in another story.

How much younger is "much younger" -- I had a lover who was 18 years younger and actress material - including the neurosis of course. I was head over heels. There really aren't words. But I put a note for myself as I knew the age difference mattered- not then but some day: Protect your heart, not your mind and its mania."

Happy for you -- good stories

Really great points about not wanting him back even if the new guy doesn't work out, and about how he could have gotten a job while he was looking in order to make it work with me. It's so true!!

The new guy is 11 years younger. At first it freaked me out a little (and was the reason I was so oblivious to his interest in me), but it feels less and less important. For once thing, he is far more together and mature than my H, who is 16 years older. For another, I look his age and people constantly mistake me for being 26---even though I'm about to turn 38. So it's not like we get stared at on the street or anything. It might become an issue later, but I'm not going to worry about it so early in the relationship. Thanks for your concern though!!

My wife is 6 years older than me. My therapist told me that men who leave that relationship on average remarry a women 8 years younger then they are. I found the statistic interesting as to me since my wife is not nearly as active as I am.

I am not coming from a point of concern for you. At any level IMO you have perfection right now and if it were me I'd not over-think. My situation was never going to amount to anything - but the pull to her was so strong that I felt I needed to type that to myself.

I think the important part is not age---my H is 16 years older than the new guy and seems so much less mature and together, it's actually quite shocking. I once dated a man 20 years older, and the reason we broke up had nothing to do with age. My Mom had a long term relationship with someone younger (an even bigger age difference) and they only broke up because he wanted kids and she didn't want more. My Dad is married to someone 20 years younger and they are perfectly matched. With your ex-girlfriend, it seems like the main issue was that she was neurotic, not younger. If she was totally sane, would it have mattered?

I will delete any comments on my stories that I think are inappropriate.