A ShiftSomething is changing inside of me. I am growing into the woman I was always meant to be. This goes back to my SMs and how I was back then so it is appropriate to write in this group.
In past relationships I always played a role of compromise. Be the obedient and differential wife. Put his needs always before my own. It was what I was taught. What I grew up with. The "Donna Reed" life where a woman greeted her husband with fresh makeup, high heels, and pearls. Nothing about the wife's day. All about the master of the domain. What I learned.
Is it any wonder that I tried to conform to what I was raised to believe? Deep inside I fought against this. I did not want to lose myself but I conformed for so many years until it almost killed me. My mother always told me that I was different. So many people did for years until I felt that I did not belong here. An alien being floating in some half life.
In my heart of hearts I was a goofy kid with a weird take on life. The only people I ever related to were my cousins, Bob and Ron. Ray and Jimmy. We were the "Goonies". Weird and never quite fitting in. As the only girl in this mix I was quite abnormal but I loved being "different".
Slapstick was our life. I was a pirate, an courtesan, an explorer, a weaver of exotic tales. An enigma. I never knew what power I held. I was different. A word that was said to me for all of my life. I thought of it as a curse for many years. Now I embrace it.
In my marriages until now, I was never accepted for being "different". It was my curse. My husband, the love of my life, embraces my being different. My mind goes off on tangents. Quirky. Different. He finds this fascinating when others found it an irritation. I always wanted to be appreciated and loved for who I am. He does. It is simple but also complex.
The one thing I wanted from the age of a young girl is that someone appreciated me for me. No adornment or falsehood. Just me. I longed for a partner to talk to about everything and anything. Weird and proven. Fact and speculation. We have this between us. I go off on a tangent and he follows me. I follow him too. We get one another.
I believe that we all want that connection. It takes being brave. Being who we truly are. My mother used to say to me,"Diane, what are you looking for?'. She knew my soul was searching. I told her this. " Mom, when I know, I will finally feel complete". I am finally complete. I am where I was meant to be and with the person I was meant to be with. This is why no person can say anything to me that will ever make me feel guilty or bad. I know my destiny. My path in life.
From a very young girl I asked for this. My purpose in life to bring about a peace in my later years. I knew it would happen as I knew so many other endings and beginnings of my life. It is a strange thing in this knowing. When my wants steer me along my path.
Now I am where I am meant to be and with my love for the rest of my life until the end. This is why I get irritated with Sammy. He is arrogant in his judgement but this will fall on his shoulders in the end. He is a fool.driven by his pain that he displaces upon me.
I no longer feel any responsibility for others choices. My children make their own lives with me or without me. I am at peace with this. It is so freeing. My true life is with the man who loves and respects me. My friends who have stood by me. My soul is free and perhaps, in this life, I have learned my lessons. My love is given freely and, in this knowing I am finally free. Peace to all, Diane
dartist 56-60, F 5 Responses 12 Nov 14, 2012