The Holidays

Each week comes and goes and I think to myself, "This weekend I'll start the new schedule. This Thursday I'll go to Cincinnati and stay 'til Monday morning."

(I have a home in Cincinnati - the one I owned when we married.)

Earlier in the year I was going there every weekend.

He was hysterically angry and mean.

I quit going.

Every week at the end of the week "something" comes up that makes (allows?) me to stay here - entrenched in this misery.

Now the holidays are approaching and this morning the same old push-back crept into my thoughts - "I'll wait 'til after the holidays."

I ask myself, "For what?"

"For something to change?"

"Nothing's ever going to change, Fool, you know that."

Why not go now?

It's hard.
Fool4Waiting Fool4Waiting
56-60, F
7 Responses Nov 14, 2012

God, I love love love this place!
Thank you, everyone!

Ha! I originally wrote "love live love" - Hmmm....

You are not a fool, but you are allowing yourself to be psychologically controlled by this man. All the usual limits that apply to others (finances, place to live, shared children) do not apply to you - so his "hold" on you is about something to do with your own psyche. . .

As others have suggested, I encourage you to get counselling for yourself. If you are to break free of this "hostage" type relationship, you need to understand what keeps you pinned down when, to all outside appearances, there is no reason to be trapped.

Please print this out:
". . . I'm always dreading him calling me demanding to know when I'll be back.
The ******* tracks my spending as I go through a day out.
After I'm away for a few hours I start feeling really anxious and almost frightened.
It's weird.
I feel like I HAVE to go home."
and take it to your Counsellor. Discuss the "why" of your feelings - and how to deal with these.

You are entitled to a life that is not constrained by his foibles and if you cannot break free of your situation, you will NOT get to enjoy that life. Please, for your own sake, take action to help yourself break free of this self imposed prison.

Hi F4W, consider yourself hugged. You are no fool! You are a strong person who is just trying to figure things out. Change is inevitable... your choices, however, will impact whether or not these changes are going to be postive. Think of choice as being like a steering wheel, at least we can try to head in the right direction. Being depressed disables your ability to think clearly, as does existing in a relationship where you are neglected and dismissed. Go to Cincinnati, remove yourself from your negative, oppressive environment so that you can take a deep breath, and think things through in a calm, peaceful, safe place (unless of course there is something in Cincinnati that is also going to cause you stress, then choose an alternative place to retreat). Take solace in the fact that you don't have to make any immediate decisions about whether or not to stay with your husband, and be empowered by just knowing that you do have choice.
I have felt like running away, leaving everything behind. It is that fight or flight response. I know I can't walk away from my life (I have 3 young children whom I would die for), but my need to escape exists simply because I'm on the cusp of confronting my refusing husband (again). The difference is, this time I know will be my last. I will not continue to live in a SM. I've already made my choice... I just have to implement it (however long this takes me). So, I'm also going on a short get-away. I want to clear my head. Take a break. Relax and rejuvenate, before I ride the wave of change into my future.
I hope we can both arrive at a happy ending.
Take Care,

When the time is right for you, you'll do it.

When the body of evidence reaches your tipping point.

UNLESS you are waiting for 100% certainty.
If you are waiting for 100% certainty then you'll probably never do it.

Tread your own path.

There must be something you are getting out of this arrangement, but I cannot fathom it. In your stories you describe a distant, emotionally abusive, at times moronic spouse that drives you crazy. No kids, no money worries, yet you still stay... even to the extent of not gettign away on the weekends when you have a hideout to escape to!

Which leads me to believe you are getting somethign psychological out of this relationship that you are not willing to give up just yet. And I cannot figure it out.

The house in Cinti sounds so appealing. You talk about finding excuses to stay put, though. But what is it about Cinti that is just almost, but not quite, compelling? Do you have friends there? Do you have old haunts that you would like to visit? Is there something about the Cinti house that in and of itself isn't quite right? What is the hold that this old grump has on you?

I'd like to know.
I find when I'm away from him it's such a relief but I'm always dreading him calling me demanding to know when I'll be back.
The ******* tracks my spending as I go through a day out.
After I'm away for a few hours I start feeling really anxious and almost frightened.
It's weird.
I feel like I HAVE to go home.
If you knew me you'd find it very out of character.
Maybe if you REALLY knew me you wouldn't.

I find it so helpful to write on here.
Be patient with me.
I know I sound like a jerk.

Ah yes, this is what I'm alluding to above... "I start feeling really anxious and almost frightened". Something is happening with you psychologically. Any chance of getting some counselling to sort this out? WHAT is holding you there?

Breat of fresh air awaits you! Go!