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The Holidays

Each week comes and goes and I think to myself, "This weekend I'll start the new schedule. This Thursday I'll go to Cincinnati and stay 'til Monday morning."

(I have a home in Cincinnati - the one I owned when we married.)

Earlier in the year I was going there every weekend.

He was hysterically angry and mean.

I quit going.

Every week at the end of the week "something" comes up that makes (allows?) me to stay here - entrenched in this misery.

Now the holidays are approaching and this morning the same old push-back crept into my thoughts - "I'll wait 'til after the holidays."

I ask myself, "For what?"

"For something to change?"

"Nothing's ever going to change, Fool, you know that."

Why not go now?

It's hard.
Fool4Waiting Fool4Waiting 56-60, F 9 Responses Nov 14, 2012

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I know that advising you to leave is the obvious thing to say here. But you have not left so there must be a reason? Are you scared to be alone or to be a single woman again? Are you getting something good from the relationship that you haven't expressed? Some need of yours must be getting satisfied or you would have gone already. You are financially able which is an advantage many here do not share. I'm very interested in why you stay as I'm in a similar position. I could leave. I should leave. I make excuses and stay on which is not good for me or him...

God, I love love love this place!
Thank you, everyone!

Ha! I originally wrote "love live love" - Hmmm....

You are not a fool, but you are allowing yourself to be psychologically controlled by this man. All the usual limits that apply to others (finances, place to live, shared children) do not apply to you - so his "hold" on you is about something to do with your own psyche. . .

As others have suggested, I encourage you to get counselling for yourself. If you are to break free of this "hostage" type relationship, you need to understand what keeps you pinned down when, to all outside appearances, there is no reason to be trapped.

Please print this out:
". . . I'm always dreading him calling me demanding to know when I'll be back.
The ******* tracks my spending as I go through a day out.
After I'm away for a few hours I start feeling really anxious and almost frightened.
It's weird.
I feel like I HAVE to go home."
and take it to your Counsellor. Discuss the "why" of your feelings - and how to deal with these.

You are entitled to a life that is not constrained by his foibles and if you cannot break free of your situation, you will NOT get to enjoy that life. Please, for your own sake, take action to help yourself break free of this self imposed prison.

Hi F4W, consider yourself hugged. You are no fool! You are a strong person who is just trying to figure things out. Change is inevitable... your choices, however, will impact whether or not these changes are going to be postive. Think of choice as being like a steering wheel, at least we can try to head in the right direction. Being depressed disables your ability to think clearly, as does existing in a relationship where you are neglected and dismissed. Go to Cincinnati, remove yourself from your negative, oppressive environment so that you can take a deep breath, and think things through in a calm, peaceful, safe place (unless of course there is something in Cincinnati that is also going to cause you stress, then choose an alternative place to retreat). Take solace in the fact that you don't have to make any immediate decisions about whether or not to stay with your husband, and be empowered by just knowing that you do have choice.
I have felt like running away, leaving everything behind. It is that fight or flight response. I know I can't walk away from my life (I have 3 young children whom I would die for), but my need to escape exists simply because I'm on the cusp of confronting my refusing husband (again). The difference is, this time I know will be my last. I will not continue to live in a SM. I've already made my choice... I just have to implement it (however long this takes me). So, I'm also going on a short get-away. I want to clear my head. Take a break. Relax and rejuvenate, before I ride the wave of change into my future.
I hope we can both arrive at a happy ending.
Take Care,
Unjusted

When the time is right for you, you'll do it.

When the body of evidence reaches your tipping point.

UNLESS you are waiting for 100% certainty.
If you are waiting for 100% certainty then you'll probably never do it.

Tread your own path.

There must be something you are getting out of this arrangement, but I cannot fathom it. In your stories you describe a distant, emotionally abusive, at times moronic spouse that drives you crazy. No kids, no money worries, yet you still stay... even to the extent of not gettign away on the weekends when you have a hideout to escape to!

Which leads me to believe you are getting somethign psychological out of this relationship that you are not willing to give up just yet. And I cannot figure it out.

The house in Cinti sounds so appealing. You talk about finding excuses to stay put, though. But what is it about Cinti that is just almost, but not quite, compelling? Do you have friends there? Do you have old haunts that you would like to visit? Is there something about the Cinti house that in and of itself isn't quite right? What is the hold that this old grump has on you?

I'd like to know.
I find when I'm away from him it's such a relief but I'm always dreading him calling me demanding to know when I'll be back.
The ******* tracks my spending as I go through a day out.
After I'm away for a few hours I start feeling really anxious and almost frightened.
It's weird.
I feel like I HAVE to go home.
If you knew me you'd find it very out of character.
Maybe if you REALLY knew me you wouldn't.

I find it so helpful to write on here.
Be patient with me.
I know I sound like a jerk.

Ah yes, this is what I'm alluding to above... "I start feeling really anxious and almost frightened". Something is happening with you psychologically. Any chance of getting some counselling to sort this out? WHAT is holding you there?

Breat of fresh air awaits you! Go!

(((((f4w)))))) darlin, go. now. who cares what he thinks? let him get angry -- and angrier. maybe it'll spur him to get up off his lazyass and actually do something other than sponge off of you. if that sounds harsh--i am just a bit feisty today and rather hissy about spouses who have neglected and (in most cases) abused their W or H and then have the gall to have an *attitude* when we decide to start doing things for ourselves. you know you need to kick him to the curb. staying at your other house is an excellent way to begin the transition while taking care of yourself in the process. xo

Our anniversary came and went on Monday.
I did nothing - said nothing except manage a toothless and tight-lipped "Happy Anniversary" after he sent my 5 year old granddaughter in w/ a box of candy and a card (see my former posts) at 8pm that night.

A few minutes ago he told me he was still waiting - two days later - for a card - for a gift - for our "anniversary."

I told him I said, "Happy Anniversary" and I'll leave it at that.

Give him the same passive aggressive bullshit he's given me all these past years (that should be enough/why do you expect anything/sex is for procreation/most women your age don't care abt sex, (this I've heard since I was 42) etc etc etc etc etc.)

Yes I have options and I am so thankful I do. I received a phone call Monday that a long-held judgment I hold is about to be paid and a substantial amount of money will befall me - will I tell him about it?

HELL NO.
**** that sharing bullshit.

Still, I keep wondering what's wrong with me that I don't look more to my "options." They're there for me. I worry that if I don't use them they might go away - somehow.

You know how that works.

Ye gods, when a relationship starts to look like trench warfare at the Somme, complete with minefields and clouds of poison gas and artillery barrage -- why on earth would you stay and subject yourself, even participate?

I don't get it. Walking away would be emotionally elevating, liberating, without a question?!? I am asking both of you, Smithy and F4W ....

{clapping}

petrushka, in my case there's a need for a pace to go to, and funds to pay for all that plus $5k to retain the atty & start the filing process. it's in the works. early 2013 is goin to be Independence Day.

Five Thousand Dollars? That's usury! My whole divorce cost something like $365 in lawyer's fees (plus what I paid out to my first wife... she didn't want much, but half of negative equity at the time would have been less than she got).

The mind boggles.

Place to stay, yes, that makes a lot of sense ;-)

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