Service With A Smile

I told my lawyer to serve the papers!

It became so clear to me that I was always worried about his feelings, and HE was always worried about his feelings----who is worried about MY feelings? It's time for me to put MYSELF FIRST.

Whew! That felt good. :D

nyartgal nyartgal
36-40, F
12 Responses Nov 14, 2012


Power move on your part - I'm sure the liberation feels great. Want to have some meaningless sex in the interim?

Don't be surprised if he now empties the gun at you. Everything from wheedling begging to outright hostility and threats and everything in between.

Caller ID is your friend. Blocking appropriate email addresses likewise.

Tread your own path.

Ha! He just sent me a totally PA response to my email, basically saying the problem is that I am not willing to move to Seattle so he can take this new job. No, the problem with our marriage after almost a decade together is STILL not geography. The problem is that he is emotionally constipated, is driven by fear, is passive aggressive, is scared of intimacy, doesn't want to/can't have sex with me, makes bad career decisions, and is too stubborn/delusional to deal with reality, ignores my needs, etc etc etc. It wouldn't matter if we lived on Mars, we'd still have the same problems. The problem is that I've changed too, and I don't want to put up with all that anymore---I want more. I've run out of patience.

It's amazing, almost awe-inspiring, how every single issue I raise about our marriage just glances off of him like he's made of Teflon. He hears nothing, absorbs nothing, no matter how or how many times I say it.

The problem is that he never comes through on his promises, the problem is that he lies to me, the problem is that he sees himself as a victim, the problem is that he never takes responsibility for the way his life has turned out, the problem is that he blames everyone and everything else for why he's unhappy. The problem is that he's jealous of my success, and threatened by my sexuality. The problem is that he's a dreamer but can't make his dreams a reality.

The problem is NOT that I don't want to follow him to Seattle.

I am SO OVER banging my head into the wall. And it feels like a relief to be over it! So let him "bring it" legally or otherwise. I know how to fight, and I know how to win.

Thanks, I really appreciate the support. It seems like any interaction with him is such a HEAD TRIP. It takes a lot of energy to keep reality and his delusional version of reality separate.

It is SO helpful to hear that, though I'm sorry you are dealing with the same confusing bs. If you have any links to the info about "crazy making behavior," please send them along. More validation of my experience can't hurt!

NYartgal, don't let Bazzar's good advice slip past you. Be aware that your STBX is just the type of person to take matters into his own hands if he cannot "make" you do what he wnts. This could take the form of him abusing you . . . be cautious and don't assume it will never happen . . .

I haven't---but thanks for reminding me. I really hope that doesn't happen, but if it does I'm very prepared to fight, and I fight to win. He knows that, too. I don't start with people, but if someone starts with me, I finish it.

Honey, you can't "win" against a gun! This is advice to take care that you do not end up being killed. . . . you can't finish something like that, believe me.

Oh god---I'm really not worried about that. He's not a violent person at all. But I will be careful, thanks for your concern...

Haha---I just want to make sure that when you're single you don't date him!

7 More Responses

Good for you! It is healthy to lok after yourself. Continue to ENJOY!!!

Thank you!!

You can go after his for spousal abuse (neglect) and try to get him to have to pay for the divorce too. That's what I'm going to do.

NY has no-fault divorce, thankfully. And whatever $$ it costs is nothing compared to the mental cost of staying with him!

I totally respect the fact that you're doing this for YOU and not for money! Not a lot of people think that way anymore, sadly. I haven't read through all the comments but your experience alone is inspiring. It's amazing to see someone take a step in the right direction after all the 'neglect' and not focus solely on revenge. You're an inspiration and I hope things work out for you!

you go girl. i've been there before too & it's such an amazing feeling to be out of something so unhealthy.

I really feel elated. I just can't bear the idea of even another 5 minutes of dealing with his endless and apparently unsolvable problems. I'm FREE!


Thank you! You're next!!

yeah you deserve better

Thank you!

Freedom - after you pay off the blood sucking lawyers!

Reading your posts this move makes sense to me.

Ha! Worth every penny...

I have to say, I feel so relieved---elated, really!



*happy dance* !