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Unconditional Love, In A Sexless Marriage????

A lot of us stayed in a sexless marriage for a long time..and, afterwords, we slap our selves silly for doing so..Ok, but I am wondering..

i think we loved unconditionally.....i think I sure did....., and it beacame a huge problem to undo When you love someone, no matter what, no what if's, well, now what the hell do you do?....when they don't love you?
neuilly neuilly 61-65, F 12 Responses Nov 14, 2012

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Yes...people cling to unconditional love to make them feel like they are part of something...but in many cases it's like loving a doorknob. No matter how much you love it, it cannot love you back. It is not involved with you. There's nothing real there. You are fooling yourself, pacifying yourself. Someone you love is not returning even the slightest amount of love to you

I don't believe in unconditional love, and I do not love my wife any more. I said this in so many words to my wife. I told her I am staying because I signed a contract, one she seems incapable of honoring. She certainly does not lack self-respect (whenever there is conflict, she is right), but she seems surprisingly ok with the one-sided quid-pro-nothing contract. She said, now that I am no longer physically attracted to her, she can do nothing more about her end of the contract (beyond a meal plan). Over the years, I have evolved until I don't need anything beyond a meal plan. Feels very liberating to not have to ask much from her. Always shoot for a surplus budget.

My love for DH is unconditional. If he were to do something horrid like beat me or if I found he was into child ****...something horrible...I would not stay with him (under ANY condition), but I would still love him. Loving someone and tolerating bad behavior are two different things to me. It's just harder to leave when you love that person.

If I didn't love him, it wouldn't matter to me that he doesn't sleep with me.

Part of what has happened is that through his illness and my illness...we've bonded differently. The depth and intensity of our recent experiences...combined with a needed reliance on each other, has changed the game. What the **** am I going to do now?

I love my ex, and i love my dog too, and that type of love, at least for me, is no where near the love required for my loving partner and me

I completely agree, Neuilly. And in my case, the love was gone...then when he got cancer...now it's me that needs him...at least for now. Then, he will have more surgery in January to correct a deficit from the cancer surgery and it will be a 3-6 month recovery period. The vulnerability of illness has raised all kinds of emotions and feelings up inside of me. I have to give it some thought and blog it, now that I'm writing again. I don't want to love him, but I do. Doesn't mean I should stay, but logistically, it doesn't make sense to leave at this moment; I still recovering.

being involved with a spouse, that is very ill, regardless of where you are in the relationship, gets all twisted and involved. It just does. And unless you have been there, it is very hard to explain..You feel very vulnerable, very emotional and it gets very confused..So yes, i do understand. And absolutely you need to stay put, your both healing, your both recovering and your both struggling to get back on your feet.It is not just the other partner that was impacted by this illness.it is the both of you.

Neuilly, if you loved unconditionally, then your hard decisions were probably far more difficult than for others.

Me, I don't believe in unconditional love, never did. There was always a line in the sand. Physical abuse or committing a serious crime are examples of actions that would definitely have crossed that line and caused me to leave immediately. Since I left the SM, I've become much less tolerant and the list of deal-breakers has grown.

I agree with you. And i know people that say they absolutely love unconditionally no matter what. And when you ask them about issues of abuse , well they come back at you with their reasoning, and dance around all of that..All of a sudden their unconditional love has exceptions. And so i say,then you are in contradiction with yourself, and I absolutely don't have time for that .

They say their version is that they love the person as a child of God, but are not accepting or in love with their behavior..OK..but so what..You still have to deal with this abusive loving child of God. Gets awfully complicated, awfully quick.

...imo, the simple opposite of flat line, unconditional love is..."you are or i am the enemy". Unconditional...base...flat line Love is a worthy practice.

I am not into acronyms, so i have no idea what you mean..but, the point really is..knowing where you are and what you want in a realtionship..and having your partne on the same page with you..being in sync.that is what matters. and so if you love unconditionally and your mate does also , and you both ...share the same definition of what that means and is....then your good to go.

This is something I have a problem with too. My wife often complains that I do not have unconditional love for her - but too often 'unconditional love' might as well be a one-way street, away from me of course! I don't subscribe to it....

i really do consider it..love at the entry level..base line love..flat line love..it is for when things go wrong..well i will love you anyway kind of a thing.. real Love requires the partner being involved in the realtionship..wanting to be loved and to be loving and caring back..it reqires the partners to be reciprical in the same loving and caring way.

seriously you are 60-65 perhaps your husband has erectile dysfunction I find it desturbing that you equat sex with love ..Sex is the perks of marriage but perhaps he cant preform for you .And is uncomfortable talking about it .There is more to marriage than sex ..Herhap you would feel differantly if role were reversed if do to health problem you couldnt preform would you want your husband to get divorce or go elsewere. Becareful what you wish for leaving one relationship to enter another is not wise .

sex is an expression of love and intimacy and needs to be able to be shared and valued in a marital reationship. When there is no health reason or rational reason to justify the lack of intimacy, and no desire by one of the partners in that marriage to addres that issue, then the marriage is broken and dead. I think a marriage without sexual intimacy is simply a platonic realtionship. and anything but a marriage. For that type of relationship a marriage license is not required.
I left the marriage because it was..NOT a marriage.

marrriageisforever: A man's erectile status has nothing to do with sexual activity. A man can particiate in robust, deeply connective lovemaking even without a penis - he is not "performing" he is supposed to be participating, with his spouse, in lovemaking. The issue, from a macroview - is lack of intimacy and reluctance/refusal to engage in intimate pair bonding behaviors over the long haul. Passion for the spouse is the envrionment with sexual activity an event. So in that sense, love is sex and sex is love. You cannot separate the two within the context of marriage or long term romantic love, and if you continually cultivate the mental habit of separating the two (-----" I find it desturbing that you equat sex with love) - of insisting that sex and love are separate - then yes, if/when one experiences physical setbacks then they are more likely to stop engaging in pair bonding behaviors relative to those who insist on the expression of robust intimacy and view sex and love as working together to make the marriage better for both - regardless of their physical state. Even those who find themselves wheelchair bound can still express intimacy in their own way.

I agree... to me, my spouse and I had a business relationship, a business partnership.. nothing more. that is a relationship without intimacy. I don't need to be married to have that.

Concur. Marrige entails shouldering a boatload of various responsibilities and potential long term liabilities (financial, legal, social, etc) and comes with it's own historical burdens. If there is not intimacy (for those who need it within the context of their marriage and for those who marry for love and the sharing thereof of deep intimacy) there is no reason to take on said responsibilities.

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I do not believe in unconditional love as a concept - even in a great marriage - let alone a standard ILIASM shithole.

I DO believe that people will try and convince themselves (and others) that they have achieved this state of mind, and I believe just as strongly that it is yet another mechanism to justify staying in a position that they know they shouldn't.

Love IS conditional. And that's a healthy and good thing. Embrace it.

When we stay in toxic situations, it is because we have weird thinking in our heads as a result of the toxic situation (someone recently advanced the Stockholm Syndrome to explain it - interesting stuff). It has very little to do with love, 'conditional' or otherwise.

Tread your own path.

I could see unconditional love as a base line. I consider it as ...flat line love...I love realtives etc. like that. .But in an adult amorus realtionship, that involves life, energy vitlaity, passion, interaction. It requires interest and an awareness and apreciation of what love is about. It is anything but flat line..Flat line love is what I had in my sexless marriage..i loved the guy, but, there certainly wasn't any passion associated with that realtionship. The dog was more loving than the spouse.

Thank you neuilly...Your description of "unconditional love" as "flat line" is a wonderful image. I feel I have sometimes wrongly assumed, and maybe was taught and learned, that "unconditional love" is the most noble goal of an intimate relationship. YES, an engaging intimate relationship that involves "life, energy, vitality, passion, interaction" is conditional and I would add contextual. I use these words in the environmental and human sense and not the contractual. And with this wonderful image of my relationship in marriage____________my eyes are open to see that a defibrillator is nowhere in sight.

well you and i are on the same page same line with that..a passionate marriage requires a heart beat.

You have touched on an issue that is altogether too common. People live in sexless marriages until the parties become completely inure to the feelings of one another. The only glue that keeps it bonded as a family unit is the common love for the offspring.
Under this circumstance a sexless marriage can be nothing more than a necessary accommodation and what little love that initially brought the two together dissipates dramatically over the years until nothing but disdain and regret remains..
This becomes most apparent when the offspring mature and move out to seek their own place in society.Then corrective decisions postponed years before are now found to be too late to implement and the marriage is now truly a hollow shell.
For those who are suffering this malaise my advice is to seek out discreetly solace from another who may be suffering in a similar plight. This, to give yourself some consolation in later years of having enjoyed life to a greaterdegree.
You will always have the knowledge , if lucky, of having hopefully created children that are quality people to take pride in. Sometimes even this can be enough to compensate..

What do I get, another cup prize. Hey, I thought for one minute I was talking to a real person. Anyway, a lot of what you say is true. abut what consolation is there when youre dead?

"For those who are suffering this malaise my advice is to seek out discreetly solace from another who may be suffering in a similar plight."

aka outsourcing

Aha! Of course outsourcing. The name of the game.

You are the first person (on reading so far) that might understand. Although you are a female, you could be going through the same thing i am. I mean we are all human. My wife says its the menopause, and it can last forever, is this true?

I know that some women may be affected with a lack of interest, but i am not..so i don't know. And i would suggest that she inquire from her gynocologist what is available to assist with this lack of interest or desire.
The other issue, to consider, is this, I am active , healthy, and so i don't act, feel or look my age, and so maybe that plays some part in it..maybe she feels unattractive, undesirable, i don't know.

I always tell her she is just as she was 20 years ago.

good for you....

When we Spoon at night I just keep getting erect but she seems to freeze. I would never attempt to make a play unless she gives me some sign, it never comes. The mood carries on to the next day. I have a ****, game over for 3 days (or so). next day, here we go again. For four years now. The alternatives are becoming more and more attractive!

i second the good for you..you're an honorable man to say that..she is lucky..i bet she probably feels that way too.

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I do not believe in human unconditional love within the context of marriage. Unconditional love is between one and their diety.

Marriage comes with conditions. It is up to each of us to work out what those conditions are and be truthful with our partners as to our limits.

i agree..adult love in a reationship requires an awareness of responsibilty to your partner and to the family you produce.. I wnat the person i love..to love me with the awareness that . love is a gift, to be cherishe,appreciated and nurtured..because that is how i intend to aprreciate love..it is a respect for the relationship.

Great point genguy! Concur!

hmmm.my dog was in trouble when she chewed up the rug..so she didn't even get that...

I think for my ex it was more difficult than what you've described. I think she genuinely didn't realise how mad things had become - she didn't want to acknowledge what she had ended up being. She had demanded, and got, a dreadful relationship. She hadn't realised that she didn't love me, she thought she did. I think it came as a shock to her when she saw what she had done and what she actually was. These are not very well people.

I know that I meant it with all my heart when I vowed to love him "til death do us part"...but I didn't. Granted--he had a huge part in the death of our marriage, but I am having a hard time believing in "love" again...and in saying it out loud, even though I feel it. I never again want to be involved in the kind of pain that the END of love causes....on either side. :(

but saying in a vow..till death do you part, in sickness and in health, for better or worse..is unconditional love..but to make that vow work, well you both better be trying to make that livable. My spouse sure didn't.