Is It Life

I have married for 20 years. We have 3 lovely kids. Four years ago she came off the pill. We have not had sex since. She says it is the menopause, and it could go on forever. What comes next?
supertramp3 supertramp3
56-60, M
5 Responses Nov 14, 2012

Fortunately, nothing goes on forever.

You get older.
You work on your dysfunctional marriage.

Generally you can not escape two of those things - so another question might be - what do you want to come next? Changing to save the rest of what your marriage represents to you is what seems a good answer to me. The change is in both of you - and it will take some real honest work to see what changes can be permanent and what are fleeting.

If that is worth the effort then that is your near term answer.
Else - there is status quo, outsourcing and divorce.

If living in a sexless marriage waived aging or taxes, a lot of people would opt for it.

That, monsieur, is up to you. I am assuming she is happy with the status quo?

Or has she been pestering you for sex, trying to entice you in the bedroom, initiating heart felt conversations about the importance of sexual intimacy in a marriage, initiating affectionate encounters, taking care of her health, encouraging you to take care of your health, reading books about healthy marriage, seeing a therapist to help her improve the quality of her relationships?

Then, is she willing to allow you to outsource? Or does she realize that your sexual needs are legitimate and out of love for you as a human being and father of her children, release you from a marriage that is disfunctional?


Then she is happy with this situation.

Spot on.

What comes is what you do, only you can choose what comes next. Stay/leave these you have power over. How you respond, you have power over. Whether it is with or without having intimate relationship and even sex is not in your power alone. In fact, only the person who does not want to have sex or frequent sex has that power because they set the tone and rate of it. That is what we rebel at.

Next will likely come a further barrage of excuses. Some half credible, some ridiculous, some completely laughable.

She will likely hit on one that you can't dismantle - perhaps an unverifiable past sexual trauma - as a trump card.

But most likely she will handle it as a war of attrition. She'll keep the excuses coming on the basis that she will outlast you. That you will cease asking long before she ever runs out of excuses.

You'll feel compelled to start chasing the reasons "why" she is as she is, and you will chase them up hill and down dale, eliminating them one at a time through sheer arduous work in a process of elimination. You will waste an extraordinary amount of time in this pursuit.
In the unlikely event that you find her definitive "why", the realisation will hit you. That it is HER "why" and there is not one damn thing you can do about it. The ability to change another person is NOT one of the gifts we have been given.

Tread your own path.

I'm rather concerned that you appear to have had my ex and I under surveillance...

[...poor English... make that "my ex and me"]