But Lately.....So. Why am I on here? A few reasons....
1) I am at a new low inside. It has all worn me down to the feeling of worthlessness that I keep buried..... for now. It's like Beetlejuice's coffin buried deep but banging and shaking and fighting to surface.
2) I find myself being sort of "angry" when I see people who are clearly very very happy and close and outwardly intimate with their mates. For instance I was in line at Best Buy recently. The couple in front of me, around my age, were standing with a big cart - like they were buying a large purchase. He had his hands on the cart... she had her one hand on the cart and the other was scratching his back lightly and rubbing the back of his neck. It was clear to me that they were very happy and she loved him very much. It was very subtle - but I was right behind them. I found myself resenting them. Like and old man saying: "WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?? IS THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR NECESSARY??" like some old curmudgeon bitching in his head. And the very next second I was like "Good for you buddy!!! - GOOD FOR YOU!!!" And was happy for him - truly. I felt like I was going insane a little. I almost had to do the Scooby Do head shake to get rid of even thinking about them.
The same thing with TV shows and commercials. So in my heart of hearts I am thinking I am getting worse and going a little more insane. WHO ACTS LIKE THAT IN HIS/HER HEAD????? I should be happy for people. NOT thinking thoughts like that in my head.
3) I dream every single night about the heavenly aroma of a woman's hair at the back of her neck. About the softness of her skin. About deep kisses that take ones breath away. I will get lost in a mini day dream in the strangest places - having a coffee at a coffee shop, in a waiting room somewhere, when a pretty woman walks in and sits down too. You can tell "happy people" because they have an aura around them that shares their happiness in little ways. I think of how awesome it would be to be the one she is coming home to and sharing her day. How happy she would be with me having dinner ready for her (I just retired and I cook all the time).
I feel like I must be sick to have all of this going on in my head. You would never guess it to meet me. I am funny and fun, I am the life of a party and love being a very outwardly social person. But deep inside I die a little more each day.
ThreeDecadesAlone 46-50, M 3 Responses 3 Nov 15, 2012