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But Lately.....

So. Why am I on here? A few reasons....

1) I am at a new low inside. It has all worn me down to the feeling of worthlessness that I keep buried..... for now. It's like Beetlejuice's coffin buried deep but banging and shaking and fighting to surface.

2) I find myself being sort of "angry" when I see people who are clearly very very happy and close and outwardly intimate with their mates. For instance I was in line at Best Buy recently. The couple in front of me, around my age, were standing with a big cart - like they were buying a large purchase. He had his hands on the cart... she had her one hand on the cart and the other was scratching his back lightly and rubbing the back of his neck. It was clear to me that they were very happy and she loved him very much. It was very subtle - but I was right behind them. I found myself resenting them. Like and old man saying: "WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?? IS THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR NECESSARY??" like some old curmudgeon bitching in his head. And the very next second I was like "Good for you buddy!!! - GOOD FOR YOU!!!" And was happy for him - truly. I felt like I was going insane a little. I almost had to do the Scooby Do head shake to get rid of even thinking about them.

The same thing with TV shows and commercials. So in my heart of hearts I am thinking I am getting worse and going a little more insane. WHO ACTS LIKE THAT IN HIS/HER HEAD????? I should be happy for people. NOT thinking thoughts like that in my head.

3) I dream every single night about the heavenly aroma of a woman's hair at the back of her neck. About the softness of her skin. About deep kisses that take ones breath away. I will get lost in a mini day dream in the strangest places - having a coffee at a coffee shop, in a waiting room somewhere, when a pretty woman walks in and sits down too. You can tell "happy people" because they have an aura around them that shares their happiness in little ways. I think of how awesome it would be to be the one she is coming home to and sharing her day. How happy she would be with me having dinner ready for her (I just retired and I cook all the time).

I feel like I must be sick to have all of this going on in my head. You would never guess it to meet me. I am funny and fun, I am the life of a party and love being a very outwardly social person. But deep inside I die a little more each day.
Drummer1013 Drummer1013 46-50, M 3 Responses Nov 15, 2012

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I know the feeling that you speak of very well. I hate watching movies/television and a situation will arise that hits a little too close to home.
Either it is a comedy, making jokes about how being sexless in a marriage is funny. Everyone is laughing, but me. Or some very touching/romantic moment comes on the screen and I have tears in my eyes and I feel like a fool. Or a passionate sex scene comes, and I'm fidgeting uncomfortably.
I also feel very envious of other people. I used to be that woman who would lightly touch my husband while out in public or I would put my arm around him, etc. Then I realized that I was the ONLY ONE doing it, it was never reciprocated. I've wasted so much energy trying to make him happy and trying to convince myself that it is not that bad. It is that bad!

Rejection cuts like a knife and leaves wounds that nobody can see. And if they could, they wouldn't have understood.

Isn't that the truth.
I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like I am crazy. It is like a roller coaster ride, that isn't fun at all. I love him way too much, but it isn't good for me.
I can't keep fooling myself. Every time he shows me even a little bit of affection, I start thinking that things will get better. I think that the problem was me, I was just being a negative person, etc.
And then it is right back to square one and I'm devastated and heartbroken once again. I need to accept the fact that he and I just don't go together. It is hard to accept it, who wants to accept that about someone that they love?
Yes, these are the wounds.

We (the members of this ILIASM forum) are each having our own epiphany... I find it very surreal, this awakening.
I fooled myself into thinking I could live in this forced celibacy, but I began to "spiral" out of control. I couldn't fake happy any longer.
My little pep talk to myself, "One breath, one step, one day at a time."
So here we are... nice to meet you. I wish it were under other circumstances.

It has been 11 years for me...
and it literally almost
killed me...
For me, it was intolerable
to see how "kind" and solicitous he was with me in front of others...
but would refuse me even basic touch, affection
totally ignoring my tears, my pleas
how humiliating...
confusing
spirit crushing...
i began to wonder if
if i had become invisible
voiceless...
i could not bear to watch anything that was related in any way
to a couple in love or lust
literally, would feel my heart crumbling inside...
i can remember sitting at a table, out to dinner
and seeing a couple touching hands
the way couples do who
are in love...and tears i could not control
rolling down my face...
all this to say,
NO! you are not crazy...
you are the healthy one...
she, on the other hand
is lacking something essential
to withold affection like this...
is cruel and unusual punishment...
i am on my way to divorce after 35 years of marriage,
nothing i ever wanted....
but am finding
the honesty to express my rage,
pain,
and disbelief quite freeing...
no more minimizing, pretending, hoping...
I'm wide awake!
wishing you peace, clg

Thank you so much. Peace is all I search now.

I re-read your words and have tears. You felt like I did. I have felt alone until I found this site.

EXACTLY...
thanks...
joyinthejourney, clg