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Staying Because Of The Kids...

I have two adult kids. One graduated college and is in Law School. One is in Mortuary College. Both are amazing, well balanced, loving human beings who will be very successful and happy in their lives. I am not worried about them at all.
But after i tried to leave a year ago I saw all that faith they had in their dad fade and it almost killed me - and I almost killed me.

............................... so I accept the "family" part of my life and I stay......
Drummer1013 Drummer1013 46-50, M 20 Responses Nov 15, 2012

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the thing about bad higene is that it depends where the person is from theyre nationality also with the bad attitude im gonna say that girls with blonde hair got the worst atitude ine the whole worl and also they pick up these attiude of watching to much TV or hanging out with those who have an attitude problem they should go to a support group and you should leave her

children complicate things....no matter how old they are.

I agree with staying in a bad situation for the sake of the children...

I must say that I disagree with staying in a bad situation for the sake of the adults.

They may not like it, they may lose "faith" (only because they didn't understand) but they're not losing their dad.

:'(

<p>Just a thought...<br />
<br />
My situation is a little different than yours because my children are still young, however the advice I have to impart would still apply, I believe.<br />
<br />
In building a support group for myself (preparing an exit plan as Baz would say), I told my parents I was unhappy in my marriage and I would be counting on them to stand by me no matter which direction my marriage took.<br />
<br />
They did their best to be supportive, but they were shocked and heartbroken. They couldn't understand how I arrived at this point. I told them they wouldn't understand completely, unless I shared the grusome details. I told them they would just have to trust that I have done everything in my power to keep the marriage afloat. I didn't want to explain my SM to them, because on one hand I was ashamed of my situation (so shallow to leave a marriage because of something so selfish as wanting sex with my husband) and on the other hand I wanted to protect my husband (especially in the event that we are able to pull through).<br />
<br />
Well, my parents just kept coming up with ideas to help save my marriage. Did I do this, did I try that. They were racking their brains trying to figure out why I was so unhappy. If he didn't cheat, and she didn;t cheat, and their is no **** etc... what could it be... a mid life crisis!?!? After a week, I told my mom. I explained the rejection and neglect I have suffered at the hands of my "loving" husband.<br />
<br />
Then my sister started... She didn't even know I spoke to my parents, but after making plans for a solo vacation she suggested I should include my husband. She could see that our marriage was in need of some healing, but didn't know why. Couldn't put her finger on it. When I told her I wanted to get away to clear my head and make some major decisions regarding staying in my marriage or not, she was devasted. She told me I couldn't leave him. I had to spill the beans to her too. Guess what? Her tune changed completely! She was very sympathetic and supportive.<br />
<br />
The moral of my story... Your children (or any other members of your posse), will not understand unless the ugly details of the dysfunctional relationship are revealed. We have faked happy for so long, and we must have been good at it to, because others believed our lives we near perfect. It may be surprising to all your mutual friends, but if they are really your friends they will stand by you with or without the details. BUT, though it was so hard to share my story with them, it did feel good afterwards. I had shared my burden. The weight I have been caring seems a little lighter.<br />
<br />
(((hugs)))<br />
<br />
Unjusted</p>

I can see this unfolding in my own life.... thank you.... THIS is why I am on here. I KNEW I wasn't crazy

I understand exactly what you are saying.
If people/friends or friends of hers could see the way she behaves towards me and our boy when no one else is around they would be shocked.
I have learnt a lot from this forum and the best thing I have learnt is to accept that the situation is real and unlikely to change, and to think through a plan that is well reasoned out.
Is it heartless of me to think I will hang in here no matter the cost until my child is a young teenager and has a bit of independence and make decision about where and who he stays with.
I say this because I think that's my best plan. I think he needs to be 13 or so before I talk to him and we jointly decide what to do in regards a separation.
Is this wrong. He is obviously as unhappy with her as I am and he is only 9.
Regarding the s..thing . She never initiates things I always do. We talked about that once and she admits it but does nothing about it. I think she uses it as her number 1 bargaining chip. If I fall into line and pamper her I might get lucky, if I don't well forget it, I can't remember a time that she initiated things.
Don't know what to do about that.
I have tried having an affair but I don't seem to be morally able to see it through.
I just have to manage my sexuality the best I can but its becoming a very lonely place.

My parents were in a sexless marriage. My dad slept on the couch from the time I was 11 years old till he finally left when I was 23.

During the first few years, there were the smiles and family outings, although little by little, they spent more time apart in the same house. Then there were strained silences and snippy comments, then heated arguments. My dad stayed until we were out of high school and then called time.

I was married for nearly fifteen years, but I really ought to have called time three years into the relationship. Here's the thing - if as you maintain, your adult children are well balanced, then they have resilience.

Ask yourself if its really more about preserving your image than their ability to roll with it? If so, then you really haven't given them a chance to know who you are and you don't feel safe sharing your heart, your light and your dark with them.

We build a perception of ourselves. It isn't so much what our family or children think, it is what we think. You think you can't leave, however, when you face yourself square in the mirror and ask { do I want cyber friends? Yes at first, but then you get a taste of life you haven't experienced in your case decades. Getting the proverbal juices flowing is a good thing, but you know you want more. We all get disappointment in life, your children should not be disappointed in a good man that is honest with them. Regards.

I'm kinda in the same boat as you. I tried to leave also. I have 3 kids that stopped talking to me, I didn't really have anywhere to go when I left. I thought about what I was doing, and decided it was selfish of me, and I went back. I'm not real happy about my decision, but I do have a relationship with my kids again, the family thinks everything is fine, and the friends are coming around again. I don't have that intimacy I crave, but I have everything else I need. I was the bad one for leaving. I did find a young lady. Problem is, I did come back, but if given the opportunity, I might cheat again

My wife, who suffers depression, has been through some terribly bleak periods in which suicide isn't far from her thoughts. On one dark night of the soul, she slept by herself in the basement and emerged in the morning a little lighter, but also more distant. Her epiphany upon such a contemplation was that she did not want to die; she just wanted to not feel that way anymore. She gave herself permission to save herself by whatever means possible, and this included leaving our marriage.

While it hurt terribly, I was mature enough about it to accept her answer, such as it was. I'd rather she was alive and fulfilled somewhere else, than trapped and suicidal with me/us. The kids need their mom, and they need her to survive.

The situation you are in, is just that - a situation. When it comes to contemplating a pistol, then you really do need to give yourself permission to change your situation, and consider whatever your next step is to be an interim one - a way of survival, until an opportunity presents itself to climb out.

What you have written on this site over the past few hours suggests that you are deeply distressed and at the end of your tether. I state this not to disparage you, it is simply recognition, I suspect a good number of us have experienced dark nights of the soul as we finally ran out of resilience, I know I did. You have described your children as well balanced and loving. Your children will understand. They will not want you to be this unhappy.

Excellent point. It was not until I was hospitralised for suicide ideation that I finally confronted my own demons - and did something concrete!

tthetree - I am exactly as you state. While I do not consider taking my life as an option, I can't remember a time when I felt.....worse. Hence my trying to find SOMETHING out there in cyber space to get my brain working....

The reality is that all we can offer you is our experiences, what we are going through or what we have done.


I didn't come here while I was going through my sexless marriage, I came here on the eve of the first anniversary of telling my wife that I'd had enough (it took ~15 years of restarts, promises she'd change, etc... so don't imagine that it was an off the cuff decision). I wish I'd found something similar to this site ~15 years ago...


I tend to focus on telling the people who I see, whose confidence has been battered, that actually there is a world of normal people out there, who date, like touching, have sex, all these things. The reason for telling this, is that when I was in my pit, I just assumed no-one would ever want me again, I thought it was probably futile to try, but I was so unhappy, I'd even roll loaded dice again.


It was... well... wonderful to discover I'd been ridiculously pessimistic. There are people of all ages, types, sexualities, ethnicities, whatever... - dating. That's not to say that 'true love' is easy to find, just that there are plenty of other people out there. It's not a desert. And if you're an ok person, some of them would like to meet you. Sexless marriages 5crew with our heads, they really do. There is a normal world out there, it's not always a nice world, but it's not sexless.

Well thanks again - and well said

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I think you are doing the very best you can according to how you understand the situation at present. And that is all any of us can do, so well done. But you would be wise to educate yourself widely on this subject - and that will be painful and probably humiliating.

You have a Hero status in your children's eyes that is actually only partially earnt. I say this not to insult or hurt you, but to point out that part of that status has been earnt by you presenting a false front.

Part of our role as parents is to assist our children to recognise realities in life. I imagine EVERY parent is just like me, and wants a perfect life for their children. But we know that cannot happen and therefore we take responsibility for teaching them about "real life". This starts when they are tiny "No, you cannot have another candy - they are bad for your teeth." And continues throughout their lives IMO.

I have pointed out before on this forum that your children are only children for about one fifth of their lives. What you do as a parent affects them just as much in the future four fifths as it does now . . . . I encourage all parents to recognise that this is a sombre responsibility that cannot be over-looked.

When you allow your children to think that something is "true" (happy marriage, content Dad, whatever) that is NOT true - you are lying to them. Not because you set out to lie - but bcause it is easier than sharing the real truth with them. This is the CRUNCH though - it is easier for YOU - therefore this is essentially a selfish choice.

TDA, it is natural and normal that you want to be seen as a Hero in the eyes of your children. And the fear that you leaving ther mother would tear this down is very natural too. BUT . . . think long and hard about what this situation is doing to you and how it is long term likely to affect your children.

I expect your children would be horrified to know how truly unhappy you are and that you stayed "for them". That is an unbearable burden of responsibility. You may say "but they will never know" - but that is not certain either. One day that lure of suicide might prove too hard to resist . . . And even if that never happens, you are effectively cheating them of the right to know their "real Dad" - because you pretend to be something you are not.

We teach our children to be hoonest and to bear the consequences. Time now for YOU to be honest and bear the consequences, IMO. Tell your kids the truth - that the relationship with their mother has been dysfunctional for a LONG time but that YOU have been fearful of leaving. And that part of that fear arises from the fear that they will stop loving you . . . . .

They WILL be hurt. They may hold it against you - at least initially. This is where the issue of bearing responsibility for the consequences of telling the truth come into play. Somehow I doubt that they will hold it against you for long - you may drop a few notches in the "hero" status (for a while) but at least they will know you are being your HONEST self with them. They may not recognise immediately that this is a true gift, but life experiences will teach them this.

And you can caution them from making the same mistakes in THEIR marriages. They may or may not listen! But you will know that they have not blindly followed your path to a lifetinme of matrimonial misery.

Personal growth and change IS hard. There are no shortcuts and no guarantees. But living as your AUTHENTIC self is a gift no-one can ever take from you. And as you continue to live in this mode, you become more and more aware of the blessings it bestows. Please think on this - take your time - and remember you have support, encouragement and information that you can tap into on this forum.

You have mentioned the things I have worried about - the catch 22 of staying when I am not happy and how horrified I would be if I found out THEY were unhappy in their lives later on and stayed because that is what one does. "Dad did it - so must I" - which is exactly what I have done because I watched my dad stay miserable for decades. I am doing exactly what he did and I can only PRAY that I can keep my children from doing it later too.......... I only want them to be happy and healthy and strong enough...
Thank you for your input. I have taken it to heart. You are a wise person... truly.

Wisdom is hard won and does not come easily in my case. It may help you to know that much of mine is gained from looking in the rear-vision mirror. My childrn are adults in their late thirties. They are successful professionally, have lots of friends and lead good lives. BUT neither of them has had success in personal relationships . . . and I hold the factthat I "stayed for the kids" to be a large part of that.

I did what I did for the right reasons at the time - but it turned out o be the WRONG decision. Take heed from those of us who are travelling this road ahead of you!! {{{hugs}}}

When the state of your relationship is driving you to the point of considering suicide, then it's like May-day in Moscow --- red flag day.
Ending your life is not a solution. This is not a computer game, you don't get a reset button and start all over again, you only get one shot at life, no pun intended (and if you don't believe that, you may stop reading, because I think differently from you and come to different conclusions because of it).

So, when driven to end your life, you will be better off, in my reasoning, to end the life threatening situation you are in. Period. I've been there once, when the love of my life stopped responding to me emotionally and I found myself in the middle of the night contemplating diving off the 4th floor balcony because I did not want to go on if THIS was what the rest of my life would be like.
Instead, I told her, after a deep and painful discussion, that I did not want her to come over and stay at my house any more. It pains me to this day, but she had checked out of the relationship, as she revealed to me, and she had only kept me around for a 'token' boyfriend for a lengthy period.

Now I'll tell you this: if your kids are the well adjusted, loving people that you think they are, they will urge you to do the same as I do, when they hear that you are so sad that you contemplated killing yourself to get away from the pain: find a better, more tranquil life somewhere else, find somebody who is more suited to taking care of your emotional needs than your wife.

Reading between the lines of two of your posts I feel compelled to ask: have you communicated your feelings, your ultimate sadness and despair to your wife?
If you haven't, you should. If you have, what was her reaction?
I have done that very thing with my wife - I was at the edge of despair again, being taken for granted, not getting any attention, affection, intimacy, just having to walk on eggshells all the time in fear of an agressive-passive explosion. My wife took note, and over the last 3 years the relationship has improved immeasurably. There is still no nookie, but she sees me and she communicates her affection and appreciation every day. Verbally and non verbally.
However, the statistics of this group seem to be such that that outcome is more rare than common. Mostly one partner has checked out and is not interested in doing anything about the state of the relationship, or their abusive nature has them not interested in looking after their spouse's well-being.
And if that is the case, then you, Mr. ThreeDecadesAlone, need to take some steps to get to a place, physically and emotionally, that no longer drives you to contemplating suicide.

You can trust me on this: You blowing your brains out would affect everybody in your life much, much worse than ending a marriage. Talk to your kids. Tell them what you almost did - they should know this. You took care of them for a long time, if they are good people they will want to take care of you.

-P.

I very much appreciate your words. To answer your questions - yes a year of marriage counseling, three times a week in the beginning, helped me to get it all out in the open. And to this day she continues to say to me "I'm really sorry things are the way they are" and goes about her day. I have been very open with my kids and they are very supportive and love me very much. Quite frankly I think they will deal with me leaving and starting a new life. As of today I want to keep the drama down and do my research before I change things.
I have been talking to a doctor for about a year now and I am doing much better and am no longer considering ending it all as an option. I am more on the quest to find a peace with myself for now. I have learned a LOT in just the one day I have been on here. I have much to learn. And, for my money, my fellow humans on here are FAR better than any doctor I have been sent to.
Thank you again

""I'm really sorry things are the way they are" Your wife knows what to say to placate you - but she does nothing about changing it. Obviously, after all this time, she is not going to. And I caution you too to recognise that, if you decide to leave, she may suddenly start to want to be sexual with you . . . .

Recognise this for the ploy it is. Much as it may delight you in the beginning, it is really about "I do't want the status quo to change". Sadly it is NOT about "I have sudeenly realised I want a sexual relationship with this desirable man I love."

How horrible am I if I say that I could not respond to her in a sexual way. The rejection she has shown me for years has removed my desire - finite and absolutely completely - to be intimate with her. So I am prepared. She has broken my heart with her rejection to the point that she could try all day long and I KNOW that game. I have to honest, the thought of her "trying" makes me laugh out loud. I'd be looking at her like "your kidding, right?" LOL

Not horrible AT ALL! In fact this is a very common reaction. Your wife has very effectively "taught" you not to desire her, as you clearly recognise. Good to know this is one delaying tactic that you will see straight through!! lol

I'm still giggling at the thought!! Thank for the comic relief &lt;3

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-----"But after i tried to leave a year ago I saw all that faith they had in their dad fade and it almost killed me - and I almost killed me."

Elaborate please on this. How and why and what almost killed you?

We are a tight, loving family. Fiercely loyal to the bone, the kids and I. They have told me I was their hero since they were little. As they grow and become lawyers and morticians I stand here more proud of them than I have words for.
When I told them I was going to leave a year ago - I watched them both scrambling to understand it all. The had no idea things were like they were for their mom and I. And I had gotten so down that in addition to being diagnosed with PTSD due to my job experiences, I could not take being lonely any more. It nearly killed me when I told them I was leaving and watching them process what life was GOING to be that I decided that I was going to end my life. I couldn't work in my occupation I had been at for 27 years and now I was no longer the hero to my kids that I could not deal with it. So I put on my uniform. Went to the cemetery down the block with my pistol. And I sat there under a tree in the shade for the entire day trying to decide if I was going to end it all or not. It was at that point that I decided to accept that I was not worthy of intimacy and that obviously this was God's plan for me and to try to find peace in the world and in my situation. But the spiral continues slowly. Every night laying beside someone who is just completely happy with her life and the whole world and needs nothing from me besides the companionship I provide wears me down. So i went searching on the internet and found this site..... and here I am searching for something to help me find my direction.

So the keeping up the pretenses of that happy family life has come to this. The chickens are coming home to roost, so to speak. You have faked it all these years and the children never saw the real picture. You faked it with the best of intentions, but it was fake. Your happy relationship with the wife was an act, so now, when you tried to get authentic, naturally the kids are going to wonder what the heck happened. They might even feel hurt that you felt the need to fake it all these years on account of them. The road to getting authentic is difficult and the habit of faking it hard to break. I hope you find some clarity. This forum is great for challinging your thinking. It is not for the faint of heart, but if you stick with this forum you might find something of value in your own journey to get to your truth. I note you mentioned PTSD and uniform - armed forces or police work? Thank you for your service.

I cannot endorse this comment more highly, MVC.

It does challenge ones thinking. I was the only one faking anything. My spouse is very happy. Everything is great to her - what more could a person want, right? So yes. I have been faking for years. I am on here to learn from others. I have been reading much. I am A-M-A-Z-E-D at the number of people on here, male and female, who's story is IDENTICAL to mine. I honestly didn't think I'd see that. So I am quietly learning.
Police work. and thank you for saying that.

Being a "Hero" all of these years is a humdinger to live up to. And in a way, inhumane and unreal. You might find when you allow yourself to be less perfect, you can be kinder to yourself. I've found that my kids perhaps love me more because I'm (fairly clearly) imperfect.

You are worthy of intimacy; never should you think otherwise.

I second hl42's comment above. But keep in mind, heroes from real life are considered heroes because they face the hard situations that don't have easy solutions and they choose the right thing when there may have been an easier way. In your case you aren't doing that. The heroic/right thing would be to seek your own fulfillment and happiness and set that example for your kids. I wrote a story many moons ago called "Leaving for the Kids". Might be worth a read. Mine are grown too.

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I struggle with the very same issue. I have heard people give feelings on both sides. Some wish their parents had stayed together and others wish they had split up. There is no clear answer. I am considering an exit plan, but don't know if I will be able to follow through. My problem is I wonder if I would be any happier. Seems like I will hurt either way. Stay and be lonely or leave and struggle financially and explain to my children why they can't be in dance or sports or ride their new bikes because we're cramped into a cheap apartment. Would they grow up to hate me for leaving because I HAD to be happy?Our home is peaceful overall. The SM is the only thing we really fight about, and due to the subject, we wait until they are outside or at school (not the kind of thing you discuss in front of a 9 and 10 year old). Just seems like I'd be lonely either way. So, do I put my kids through he!! so I can be happy when I'm not even sure I would be? I can't see myself truly happy leaving and having to fight H for the kids (he would and his family is well off and would help him) and struggling to make ends meet.

Its a TRUE challenge isn't it? I wonder if I would be happy too. I like my house. I like my life mostly - but I wonder if I could even FIND that person who gets me. I hear horror stories from my friends about dating and it seems that so many of my "gender-mates" have SO turned women off that I am not sure how to march out there are let my feelings be known without the person I am paying attention to being SO hurt by the last guy that they would think I am just another one trying to get in their knickers. Time will tell I suppose....

Happiness is a strange animal! What we "think" will make us happy often turns out to not be the real answer in the long run. But I can honestly say that when you live your life as your authentic self, facing up to who you really are (including the bits you don't like) and allowing others to know the real you (even if they preferred the false version!) is unequalled in terms of living a happy life.

"Know thyself" is essential wisdom passed down to us by a number of ancient cultures. It remains as true today as it did then.

I wouldn't even want to think about dating again, especially with children. Too many pervs and crazies out there. Anyone in the US knows about Scott Peterson. He was good looking and look what he did. You just don't know....

I know right?? That's what I mean. 99.9% of the crazys out there are men - so who is going to look twice at most of us guys right? So I agree - dating would be difficult.I just want the peace of knowing I am lonely because I am alone - not because I am rejected by the person next to me.

Sorry to say this you two (Pamela and TDA) but your opinions are seriously tainted by the dysfunctional relationships in which you are living!! Of course it is sensible not to take undue risks, but there ARE great people out there and you both have every chance of finding one of those people to be a new, loving and intimate partner.

Naturally you both feel like this is NOT at the top of your agenda - but do not discount the possibilities the future may hold. Quite a lot of us (ordinary middle aged people too) have found a new and better life when we have left, that DOES include a valuable and intimate relationship. It can happen to you two too . . . ! {{{hugs}}}

for every psychopathic axe murderer out there, there are several million people who are not axe murderers.

The ratio may not be as good for emotionally healthy vs. broken people (not to mention people who are simply not competing in the same sport) but still.

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Thank you for the input everyone. As of 15 November 2012 I have to be where I am. I pray constantly that there will be a time when I know in my heart of hearts that it is time for me and that I will act. I guess I should have indicated that by ending my rambling with "for now"

Just repeating myself... My mum stayed FOR ME... I wish she did not...
In other words your choice is LIFE SENTENCE...

Are you able to have an adult conversation with your "amazing, well balanced, loving human beings"? You might find, that if they understood the reality of your situation (I don't mean in detail, I mean that you are unhappy and unfulfilled) - that being loving they would want you to be happy.

There's also the danger here that you are not willing to grasp the nettle, and your presumption about the reaction of your kids is providing you with an "acceptable" reason for not doing so.

You know what...of course they'd be disappointed. But they'll get over it! Really. They will.

More than the impact of a suicide and the residual guilt that will haunt them, that they didn't know, that's for sure.

I also felt it my responsibility
to emotionally "carry" the family...
they were (are) my heart...
but after a severe depression
that took me 2 years to scratch and claw my way out of,
i realized that i was not made to
nor could i be responsible for "keeping the family together...
in a sense, it necessitated me being dishones with myself...
telling myself "it doesn't matter that much"
he is still (fill in any positive characteristics that helped me feel better)
protecting these intelligent wonderful adult sons
from the truth.....put on that happy face and...
CARRY ON!
until it literally broke my spirit...
i lost the essence of who i really am...
constantly stuffing my hurt, avoiding the truth...
which was...it was not OKAY...
never was "OKAY"
and...
never would be "OKAY"
damn...
exhausting...doing all these mental
calestentics so...
the "family could be okay"
it was all an illusion...
a house of cards that came crashing down..
once the truth began to be spoken...
giving you a (((hug))), clg

Mental Calestentics..................... EXACTLY!

Well a person has to weigh the balance in their life.

If it works for you to stay then so it be.

If you live your life only for the wife and sons then maybe a different set of scales need to be used.

Togh deal and i get it!