So The Therapist Says....

During marriage counseling the therapist, my spouse, and I were discussing intimacy and sex. The therapist was talking to my spouse about how some people (me) view intimacy (of all kinds) and actual sex as part of the expression of love in a relationship. My spouse was all understanding "but" that is not a part of what she sees in a relationship. Having read the famous book about the love-languages I know hers and she knows mine. I have long been the primary cook and cleaner around here. So I added laundry to my "acts of service" to try to "fill her love tank" as the book and the therapist encouraged. She tells the therapist that I take good care of her and the family and she is very happy. When the therapist asks about "my" love language and what fills "my" love tank my spouse recites what my "languages" are. Then the therapist suggests that my spouse start to fill my love-tank by "speaking" my love-language. She replies that she is very sorry, but those things are not a part of her life anymore. She states she just feels terrible. So the therapist is suggesting to her to start small and just do something nice for me - a back scratch - whatever.

ANYWAY - I was compelled to share because of someone else sharing about their spouse deciding to have sex with them because the therapist told them to. That's what happened at my house. And I have to say that there is nothing hotter than your wife climbing into bed naked and laying there saying let's go... rolling her eyes. I was mortified. I did NOT take her up on her offer and she told the therapist so in the next meeting. She said "she tried". I laughed - didn't mean to - but I did.

I had to say, and still maintain, that having sex with someone who does NOT want to is akin to forcing it on them and is nearly illegal. PLUS - who the heck WANTS to be intimate with someone who is "sighing" and "checking their watch" ????????????????? So I guess I am celibate at my own cause since I could have taken part in that if I wanted to. But my goodness. I sit here shaking my head in disbelief when I recount that time. In my depression I considered it nearly sarcasm on her part and "rubbing it in".

The therapist said, when I told her of the above, that I should have done it and my spouse would have "learned" to enjoy it.

We don't go to therapy anymore after that.

Anyone else go through that??
Drummer1013 Drummer1013
46-50, M
12 Responses Nov 15, 2012

ok ..what school of psychology did this therapist attend and to what manner of psychology is he practicing..the just do it method? Maybe its the Professor Harold Hill think method..good lord..suppose you had decided to just go ahead and do it..and that triggered her memory of why she did not like sex..a past abuse or some such thing..oh would that not have been just wonderful for both of you..? This guy or gal should have her license pulled. In the words of one Dr. Phil what kind of idiot is he? man there are some winners out there huh? Reminds me of my first marriage, went to counseling after spouse had been hospitalized for severe psychotic breakdown ..and ended up hearing how counselor and partner came to grips with the type of peaches they would buy ..just the advice every girl in her twenties who is living with a man who pulled the phones out of the walls so the aliens would not be able to spy on us needs to know..I needed advice as to how not to have this man kill me in my sleep thank you ..looking back i am so so lucky I survived..anyway back to you...sorry..there are some way way way bad counselors..just like any practitioner get all the info you can on them and if they do something stupid report it to the authorities and do not give them any more of your time or money..I really believe this was may be saving someones life by reporting it ...and good luck to you nad to your wife no matter what happens //

My wife had sex with me...then compared my sexual response to a chimpanzee's.
Another time she made a dog comparison.
I was trying to make sex with her work, forcing myself to do it, even though each time was getting more and more repulsive...she just sort of gave me a quick servicing and then left.

Was she complaining about your response being that of an "animal"? If she was, then she's crazy...I think a man that responds like an animal has reached a place uninhibited sexuality. That's my take on it anyway...I think wimpy little moans are sounds of suppression...either that or it just not that good (the experience that is).

I so agree ..I just had this picture of a lover in my head who I teased about being the sliver haired gorilla and he teased me about being the best gorilla mate ever but it was like sorry to say some real primal wow sex...too bad other stuff dont work for us but man..ill take gorilla thank you

I just wanted to add: I'm not "picking" on you...I soooo feel what you are going through. I just know that time is NOT to be wasted this late in the game. We aren't getting any younger and it's time to be and live fulfilled, at peace, and in a state of true contentment/joy.

Not ALL therapists are's just VERY difficult to find a good that can actually connect with their patients on a more intuitive level. I think a test for one's intuitive abilities should be a large part of the criteria for being able to practice psychology. We are ALL so different being that life is about our own individual perceptions (it's subjective, not objective) the therapist must be able to be "objective" (putting their own perceptions about life on the back burner while truly "hearing" their patients (even if skewed beyond obvious reality) perception of their own reality (which of course we create for ourselves)...much like your statement about not leaving, and why. Your kids? Seriously? They one day will be in a relationship or marriage of their OWN making. Do you think that they will make decisions based upon how YOU feel about it? Nope! They will do whatever it is that they think will make them happy. In the long run, all children, grown or not, want is to see a parent happy and fulfilled in their lives...otherwise they are watching a parent participate in dysfunction. How unhealthy is that? VERY! Get out before you get ANY older and waste ANY more time being unhappy and unfulfilled. It's not your wife's problem is yours...only because you choose to stay. You are not capable of living a the life you want until you are truly authentic. You are not being authentic to your SELF. This may sound "selfish", but it is true that no one is capable of loving another unless we love ourselves in a healthy and COMPLETE way first. She obviously doesn't want to change, you seem to want change. LEAVE. Work on who YOU are, and maybe do some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a good therapist....yes, you have to shop around for one...sometimes you get one that works with you best right off the bat, other times it may take 5, 6, 11 shopping trips (so to speak)...but it's better to find a good one than to not find one at all. I know this from personal experience...and have also gone through what you've described. People don't enjoy's uncomfortable and for some it's so frightening that it feels better to stay with the familiar than to step outside of it, and view your world in an entirely new way. It does get worse before it gets better, I won't lie. I got so sick of being miserable that it was worth it to me to allow it to be worse. It's in that "allowing" that the healing begins and new perspectives and views start to emerge. I urge you to go shopping and get out.

I am 35 and my husband is impotent- i long for sexual contact. I can not see hoe women can neglect their husbands


Sorry to hear of your situation. I know how it feels.

Wow. Mistakes all around. Your wife provided an intimacy opportunity that was interpreted by you only as an unpleasant offer to ****. You're angry and physical "rape" is what your thoughts went to first, which was acted out as the more acceptable mental rape of rejecting her offer (See how it feels, *****). Even worse, it's fairly certain that your response was interpreted as further justification of her past rejections.

Your therapist hasn't a clue and has set you two up for failure. I've been through sex therapy (which failed because the husband has issues a supertanker couldn't carry) and this isn't how it's done. Get a new therapist who can explain how to recognize and counteract unavoidable emotional baggage with carefully focused physical (sexual) exercises.

Most therapists are crap and bring to therapy their own (often stilted/small/judgmental) little worlds that they are more than happy to talk about on your dime.
My 2 cents.

Good you aren't wasting your time/money/energy with that therapist anymore. I'd bet a dozen donuts that her sex life is artificial, if it all... Agree she hasn't a clue.

I read it like you want authentic attention, and what she gave wasn't it. It would have been more clever of her to do less, but authentic...

"She tells the therapist that I take good care of her and the family and she is very happy.
She replies that she is very sorry, but [doing things for me] are not a part of her life anymore."

So you do what you can and she does nothing in return? I know that the marital promise has nothing to do with reasons required for divorce but I consider that she is breaking her marriage vows and is unworthy of you. If you allow her to stay in your life, I hope you are happy as her slave but you don't sound it. Divorce is painful but at least it has an end which allows you to get on with your life: you'd be mentally healthier on your own and likely to find another woman in time.


The success or otherwise of therapy is measured by the truth you uncover. Not by whether you achieve a desired result - because the mix of people / dynamic / outlooks / personalitys may preclude a desired result being even remotely possible.

In that context, this session you describe appears to have been a veritable goldmine of information.

She knows what you want.
She is incapable of delivering it - but
She pays lip service to the concept, but in textbook PA style does so in a manner of extreme disinterest, designed entirely to discourage you from considering any repeat performance. (You'd have figured the least she could have done would have been to install a strobe light to at least give the illusion she was moving a bit and was actively engaged in the root !!)

This is your future. You scramble about for the next key to the puzzle (referred to here as "why" chasing), you try said key, she torpedoes it. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

There is no shame in giving up on a lost cause.

Tread your own path.

PS. How are the rest of ZZ Topp going these days ?

I agree. I've been there and also seen it with others. If she was willing to have personal counselling, that could help but marital counselling will not help her.

See above -- a stingy gift is no gift at all. My wife is kinder in her duty - I may have hope.

My therapist points out and I think you agree that sex is one of many vertical pillars of the relationship - completely absent she asks "do you really want to leave in light of the other pillars?"

I wrote the other day how much sex- even crummy sex heals and bonds when we are at a certain point, once we tip past it then duty sex juts widens a chasm -- so I know it was a gross effort but I tend to agree with your therapist that you would have come out ahead if you had sex with her -- life is just not fair.

In all my time on ILIASM (about four years) I don't think I have ever seen anyone move so fast through the stages of leaving as you are doing!!! Believe me, that is NOT a criticism!! I think within forty eight hours of joining this site you will have moved from "I'm not leaving" to "I am out of here"!!

When this very rapid prgress takes place (mine was rapid - but not as fast as your's seems to be!), the reason is that you have largely processed the whole situation at a sub-conscious level. You may have clung to your stated position of "I won't leave" at a conscious level, because that is what you truly believed to be true.

But your sub-conscious mind has been steadily processing all the pain, the hurt, the rejection, the selfishness of your spouse, the lack of real love she shows you, etc. etc. AND has successfully told your conscious mind:
"That decision about never leaving is bull-****!! You can NOT go on like this!"

Once you allow the knowledge that has been accumulating and processing in your sub-conscious to the front of your mind, you begin to realise how UNREALISTIC your previous statment of "I won't leave" truly is.

You are now in the process of rejecting the truth of "I won't leave" because the evidence is mounting in HUGE piles as to why this is a poor choice. Take time to reflect and review on the information your conscious mind is now allowing you to recognise and process. Take time to accept that the realisation that "I won't leave" is no longer valid for you is NOT a bad thing - but it will be hard in many ways. When we tell ourselves something with great fervour and conviction for a LONG time, it is painful and difficult to come to the realisation that our belief was really only wishful thinking . . . .

Allow your emotional self to catch up with your rational self. Don't rush into anything - but begin planning sensibly for your future. Read widely on this forum. Spend time in personal reflection. Give yourself permission to grieve. All of these things will help you to transition to a new place in your life.

BTW, your therapst obviously had NO clues!!

Enna, Yes. I agree with you on the clueless therapist..
and I agree with three deacsdes alone, that it is awful being intimate with anyone when you really do not want to. I had the reverse I was the one rejected. I thought I really did want the intimacy back, truly believed that with my whole heart and soul...until that happened..WUH! Turns out that is the last thing I now wanted, and basically did what you did.I.made an about face and said...I am out of here. Elvis has left the building. The difference I see, is I realized, i felt nothing for this person, sexually, and i admitted it and left. MY spouse, for what ever reason was never able to face that and deal with it. And so our nothing of a marriage dragged on and on.