Is It Ok To Look Elsewhere.

I am a 42 year old woman. I have been with my husband since I was 21. Neither of us had had much experience before each other. For the first few years of our relationship our sec life was great. We got engaged then my hubby slowly lost interest. When we decided to start a family I was excited that I was finally going to get sexy a couple time a week. That never happened. I got pregnant immediately. Then the first time After my son was born then again soon after that. Although we had 3 small children I was always the one who wanted sex more. I talked to him continually about it. Being a woman whose husband doesn't want sex is very hard on a women's ego. All I ever hear is complaints from my women friends because their husbands always want sex. I honestly have felt ugly and undesirable because of this. I do know I would have no problem finding another man. I have been approached by several men. The problem is is that I love my husband more than anything. It would kill me to lose him but I am so tired of "taking care of myself". I want love sex and intimacy. I have had so many serious discussions with him. Always gets better for a week or two then before we know it its been one month then two and so on between sex. I want a husband not just a friend. I really don't think he will ever change. He has asked his doctor and the doctor blew it off saying he was just tired. Come on for 21 years. I find myself being flirty looking for someone to want me. I don't know what to do.
Jenlally Jenlally
41-45, F
23 Responses Nov 15, 2012

Get him to "bite the bullet" and talk to doc. I suspect that h might have ed. something like Ciellas would make ALL the difference! I know I feel like I am 18 again! 2-3 times a day all weekend! :D

Wow! This is so right on with my situation. I can totally relate. I thank you for this post - I don't have any advice for you, but would like to learn from the responses you receive.
I admire your morality: )

be very you love will destroy him to find out you have cheated...i would like to ask one question...when you do have sex, is is different each wife wanted the same thing was a good same thing...but after a while it wasnt enough...try some variety...maybe sometimes you need to change it up...introduce toys ...mutaul pleasuring...pleasuring yourself while he watches...let him do the same...

I have tried different things. I admit. When we were first together I was pretty innocent. We both were. We were pretty traditional. I do find it very similar each time. I would love to try new things. Honestly I amso tired of being rejected I don't initiate We tried different things in the past. Still forever in between. When we do have sex I am almost always extremely satisfied. He is a selfless lover. I just feel very undesired when you count how many periods you have has in between encounters.

I know exactly what you mean. I get so so so so tired of my friends complaining that their husbands are always after them for sex. I find myself wondering what they've got that I don't.

Hate to say this but feels good to know I am not the only woman with this problem. How long has it been going on for you?

Honestly? On and off for almost 12 years. We haven't had a normal, healthy sex life since our first 5-6 years of marriage.

it isnt that they have something you dont...they dont have a clue what they are doing...they complain about it because they dont like is a job to them...and sooner or a later they will pay dearly...if women would help men ...hel them...the whole world would be better off...if i am not psuhing the right me how...keep variety...tell me what you like/...but remember this...anything that you are not willing to do...there is someone out there that will...

I understand.

I am in that exact same position. I don't expect anything to change; it's been too long this way. At some point, we need to find passion in our lives and we should be able to close the chapter of the book we are finished with. Maybe you will find someone good for you that you are flirting with and it will give you the push you need to move on.

His DOCTOR blew him off??? Time to get another doctor! What about measuring T levels, going to counselling, etc?

I mean, it COULD be a physical issue! If not, well I know there's not much else to be said, but the fact that he WENT TO THE DOCTOR about this is extremely rare around here - most of our spouses would rather slit their wrists than go to the doctor.

That sucks. Tough choice. I did Ashley Madison and met someone and then ended it. Didn't have sex with her and realized my wife was worth it. You as a woman holds the cards if i was you I would look at your own comments regarding all your friends complaining their husbands want sex. There is something not right if your husband doesn't. He has to tell you what it is or you need to cheat on him sexually. If you love him do it for sex and don't get involved emotionally. Guys are simple they are ok without the emotions.

I figure that by now you have read a fair bit more, and are coming to the conclusion that there is no "magic bullet" solution available.

I also figure that, on reflection, the cheating option is not a good fit for you - and by default that rules out 'open marriage', 'casual sex', 'FWB' etc.

The walls are closing in really. You are down to the last two choices.
1 - you continue on with your present choice, of staying
2 - you explore the up / down sides of leaving thoroughly, and in light of the information you gather you make an INFORMED choice about your future.

You have plenty of information about the up / down sides of staying. You don't need to research that any further, as you are living it.

The cornerstone of exploring the leaving option, legal advice from a lawyer in your jurisdiction is a must. You need to know what is 'possible'. From that information, you can explore - theoretically - how you would manage such a scenario. How you would - theoretically - overcome the various speed humps in such a scenario. How you would get such a plan into "do-able" shape.

Having done that, you have - theoretically - created yourself a viable alternative to staying.

At that point, you can make an INFORMED choice on the merits of your current choice (the life you are living) and the alternate choice (the life you could be living)

Tread your own path.

You have 3 choices, as everyone here... Whatever you choose to do will be painful and complicated, but in different way... The only one thing which won't happen is your husband suddenly changes into sensual lover wanting sex all the time... Read here and choose your own way...

screw it even damn typos

screw it..... go out and have fun

Try to get hubby to AGREE to you outsourcing. A difficult choice, I know but it would be communicating to him just how unhappy you are with that aspect of your relationship. Still, the chances of him lifting his game are almost zero. However, some couples do manage to do this. You could even suggest swinging?? Just a thought...

I know how you feel from the husbands end. My wife is so clinical when it comes to sex no matter what I try she is in a "let's get it over with mood" no hormone activity.

I honestly don't want to cheat but I am sick of going months with no intimacy. I was hoping someone out there had the same problem and could help us get our relationship to where it needs to be. As I mentioned I love my husband. I just want to know how to get him to want me.

You can't make someone want you...that's the brief, brutal truth of the matter. You've explored medical options, you've discussed the issue openly with him...both resulting in no progress. Hmmm...does the phrase "unrequited love" strike any chords with you? Oh, btw...cheating will only open a whole new can of worms. Explore this option only when you are ready to leave...enna posted the superlative discussion on this topic. Search "outsourcing your needs."

Good luck.

I am in a similar situation though with one big difference - I don't love my husband anymore. But I stil wanted more sex, so after some soul searching I decided to push for an open marriage. It's not like he is totally fine with it, but he kinda aggreed, and I tried... Honestly, it is 100% worth it, just for the sex an d passion, nothing more in my case.

I had a similar issue though without children (which just added to it as I desperately wanted kids). I outsourced, thinking this would keep my marriage to my best friend together, and created an emotional morass that is winding down to divorce and the loss of my best friend.

If all you are missing is this physical part then why not outsource, but that is a decision that doesn't come without consequences. It was a hard one for me to make but the feeling of being wanted is amazing. Nobody can tell you what to do and if you read enough stories on here you will see both sides. If you do decide to take the leap I would suggest finding a local married man in you area as he will definitely be in the same situation you are

If you have decided you and your husband just won't be able to repair things, then look into a divorce before taking up with someone else. Cheating could have disastrous consequences if your H finds out. You can always find someone else later after you are on your own. Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

After five years I have decided to go down that road and I have found an incredible woman and she had decided to go down that road and we found each other. Neither of us are planning on leaving our spouse but we our needs of intimacy were too strong.

I feel your pain but urge you to seek legal advise before going down the road of affair. Because if your husband ever found out his reaction is likely to be Volcanic.

Perhaps it is time where you sat him down one last time and made it clear to him that if he doesn't change you are gone. However be sure to follow through with any threats made cause if you dont he will never take you seriously again.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Be careful and really think about it---if you have 3 kids you have a lot to lose. Definitely talk to a lawyer. Personally, I think the risks outweigh the benefits---not to mention the potential guilt you may feel, or heartache you may cause, to yourself and others. You COMPLETELY DESERVE a healthy, satisfying, wonderful sex life!! And if your H can't give it to you, that's incredibly disappointing. Just be sure you want to have that sex life with someone else while you're still married. It ain't as easy as it looks...

Don't think I could do it because wouldn't want to lose my family. I get fearful that we could be one of those couple that divorce after 30 years. Once kids are adults maybe I would risk it. Who knows. The whole situation sucks. I hate going to be every night alone hoping maybe tonight will be the night.

It won't be the night. Ever. That's good, because it liberates you! You know it won't, ever, and you can decide if that's ok with you or not. And if it's not, you can start to figure out what you will do about it. I'm sorry, it sucks. But it's actually much easier to deal with reality than a dream that will never come true. Stay strong and keep reading here!! It will help you a lot.

It is completely your choice to go down the extra marital road or not. You supply the moral judgement, no one else.

What I would urge you to do is make certain that you are making an INFORMED choice. For a start, you need to know how a divorce would shake out in your jurisdiction, and you can source that information from a lawyer. Reason for this need is the fact that as a novice cheater you are highly likely to get caught, and that may provoke your spouse into giving you the arse at a highly inconvenient time. You need to be prepared for this scenario - AND you need to be willing to pay that price if need be.

Weigh it up. The up (and down) sides to the cheating option, the possible fall out from it as regards your primary relationship. Make an INFORMED choice.

There's a story here you could search "Outsourcing Your Needs" which may be an interesting read for you.

Tread your own path.

Read the outsourcing post and I agree. I once met a man who was looking for that from me. I loved the excitement. Kissed him and was racked with guilt. Honestly don't think I will cheat but I understand now how cheating happens. When I was young and naive I didn't.

Yes it is okay. It can be difficult for a variety of reasons. I did it and it was great but now that she is getting back with her husband my heart is crushed. I got to see just how good it can be only to lose it.

That would be my problem. I get attached. Don't think I could do the "no strings attached thing". I would die if I lost my family.

Another thing to keep in mind is, once the excitement is over from the affair an finally getting your S needs met, are you capable of facing up to not only your H but children as well? And while you are frustrated and perhaps angry with your H over the intimacy, would you be okay with hurting him because of an affair?

I'm not judging, just throwing out possibilities that I myself have had to think about in my own situation. (Minus kids involved)