Sensual Massage

The wife's out of town and I am considering going to get a sensual massage. I spent time thinking about it and realized that this might be considered cheating? But then let's say I did get an erotic or sensual massage, would this then become a gateway drug to true infidelity? Would I eventually want to do more exploratory acts that just escalates?

When the idea first came to my head to get this massage I had no qualms about it. but now i am questioning whether it is ethical. The fact that i am questioning it must mean that it is wrong, right?

Like all members in this group, i missed being touched in an erotic way. sometimes to the point where it can be maddening. Has anyone here tried this and did they first talk to their spouse about it?

Oh! And did anyone stumble upon that news article about that woman who is divorcing her husband because he refuses to perform any of the sex acts she discovered from the 50 shades of gray? So funny how petty that sounds but I totally understand. I never read the book but if my wife wanted to explore anything from it, I would of course jump to the chance...
StuffedAnimal StuffedAnimal
36-40, M
7 Responses Nov 16, 2012

You've had plenty of answers already, but I'm in a similar position to you (and so much of the "middle aged" male population). I have had several sensual massages over the past few months. For the most part, they were unsatisfactory. Today was very different. I found a lady about 15 years older than the Chinese teen parlour workers. Working from home, Jenn offers a pleasant and relaxed environment, interesting conversation and skilled delivery of her abilities. My day began with my wife holding my rock hard erection for about a minute. No caressing, no farking movement, nothing. Then it ended as soon as it began and she went back to her iPad. Hmm. That prompted me to look for something better...and I found Jenn. I'm happy with that and I will not be cheated out of intimacy. I'm disappointed that my intimate life has come to this and I don't know where it will take me in the future but just let it happen.

First, thank you everyone for your responses. I guess this was a topic that resonated with everyone, and its so nice to be able to talk to someone that understands, cynical or not. I appreciate the support everyone gave.

Second, based on a few comments I decided not get the massage :( . Not that i will never try it one day, but for now I wanted my wife to know what was going on. I took the communication route first.

She got back from her trip and was very upset to find me in bed hung over. instead of the massage i went out and partied with some friends til 5am. She also found 2 empty bottles of wine from the previous nights. She confronted me saying she was really concern that I was becoming an alcoholic. We had a long trip in a car (I had to drive hung over). i took that opportunity to explain to her that I was not an alcoholic, that I was unhappy.

The road trip in the car allowed me to corner her. She had no where to go, so she had to listen. I told her everything, Including that I wanted to get a sensual massage. I know it wont really change things, but It felt really good to share that with her and not keep it to myself. I wanted her to understand what was at stake. She didnt say anything and I went on for almost an hour before she finally said "wow, marriage is really hard".

Fantastic, give yourself a thumbs-up, whatever her reaction. You were direct and determined, and that can change your world. I fear her reaction didn't bode well because, if you look at her few words, she is not taking any personal responsibility for action, or acknowledging her part, or that you have legitimate needs. If my W had said something like that, I'd be all over her trying to improve myself and help her.

And this is a great place where you will get information about what can and should happen, from her reaction and from the things you do next.

Incidentally, I'm sure you know this, driving hungover the next day isn't good because alcohol levels may still be elevated.

Sorry, if I am a bit cynical... I enjoyed massage all my life and had done it a lot in my life... Once( quite a while ago I said to my husband that I would never pay for sex, but happily would pay for regular massage- I tried to drop a hint...) I did many courses of massage(back, head, full body,aromatherapy,reflexology) and offered to use my skills on my husband... He never wanted either receiving or giving..
During last 3 years(my complete sexless patch) I had some massage, which was very nice, refreshing and beneficial for my body and soul, but was nothing to do with sexual desire as such...
Now, after you chose not to be sexless any more,I get (and give) a lot sensual/sexual massage from my lover...
The bottom line is yes, massage MAY lead you to infidelity(eventually) or MAY NOT... Long staying in SM led some people to suicidal thoughts, depression,ED,frustration and hatred towards their partners...
Why you are so bothered about what is cheating and what is not?
Does your wife so much bothered that actually withdrawing sex from her husband is the worst possible cheating?
You are so-o young! Is it really a good situation to be in- refused in basic need?

If you want to go and get pulled off, do it.
It is neither 'right', nor 'wrong', it is a hand job. Any moral framework on the subject YOU supply, not me, not anyone else.

Likewise, I wouldn't be too concerned about the chick splitting up as a result of some **** weak book.

It appears that your marriage contains plenty of its' own troubles that need attention.

Tread your own path.

You're beating about the bush here, but yes, any choice you make can lead you in all sorts of directions. And you make your own standards of behavior, and it makes a lot of sense if they really are your own, not inherited from somebody else. Of course, your W is liable to judge according to self-serving standards if she finds out, I suspect your ethical concerns are actually more to do with fear of her reaction. Which is OK.

If it helps you at all, I think it's morally & ethically indefensible for a person to insist on fidelity when they're not busting a gut to help their partner be satisfied, and I think that can be justified (particularly since I have no axe to grind there, I didn't have an affair or stray). Philosophically, that form of autonomy-extremism is simply inconsistent, asserting autonomy for one but not for the other. Of course, that doesn't stop the judgemental and self-serving from lambasting you, but then, fvck-em.

People do all sorts of things, they are imperfect and - well - human! Personally, I'd be focusing on something that would change the situation forever, never again, rather than getting a sticking plaster. But as you allude, that simple step could change your life quite unpredictably - fun, eh! Means you're alive.

"The awful daring of a moment’s surrender
Which an age of prudence can never retract
By this, and this only, we have existed..."

Well said. Thank you.

This is a mixed bag. Of course it is cheating and it is wrong to cheat. But, I tried this before marriage (during our sexless courting - yes
I still married her). Some were good, some were not worth it at all. I also started to get the sense that I was participating in human trafficing or that there was an involuntary servitude thing going on so I walked away. Worth exploring, in the final analysis.

I've been reading up about's a very high quality hand job right??? Would your wife view it as infidelity?? I bet she would.

Don't get me wrong, I'm an unrepentant cheater, so I'm not throwing stones. Just suggesting that you maintain a level of internal honesty.

"Unrepentant Cheater"
I like that.
After all they're Unrepentant Deniers - right?
Maybe two "wrongs" can make a right!