Light But No Heat

There is love, respect, but no sex. Hasn't been for many, many, years. Children: youngest will graduate from High School next year. So I'm leaving. I don't see any path that's navigable. I don't know how I'm going to do this. Maybe I should be grateful I don't somehow have it worse. Maybe. If it's somehow All My Fault, and she can't get past that, then fine. Whatever it is that prevents us from touching or even sleeping in the same bed, I can't solve it. Nothing I've tried gets any traction. I don't feel quite right about offering anyone else advice about leaving or staying, but I would say don't cause yourself needless trauma and drama. God knows how many years I've taken off my life with pointless angst and self loathing. I don't know how, but I'm going.
grendelan grendelan
46-50, M
13 Responses May 15, 2007

good luck I hope you find your way to a brighter future.

you and I are in the same situation. My youngest will finish year 12 in Dec 2015, and then all bets are off.

I really wanna say, "maybe your just no good at it - sex - satisfying sex for her, it is more than just a rutting fest", but that's just cause I am peeved at you suggesting I was a, <br />
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Hiro Protagonist <br />
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A cheap hack that takes clever **** from cool books and claims them as his own.

no,,you are crass and rude

Valentines day's come, the back o 'twal<br />
an a'm nae carin.<br />
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When did the light die?

hewhopleasures: <br />
Thank you for your thoughts; They're appreciated. <br />
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Yes, I've done what I can. In reviewing my journal, I recently realized it's been two years since I gave my rather ineffectual ultimatum. She called my bluff. Nothing changed. <br />
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Now, I'm making changes. Financial ones. I *will* write her to explain what is happening. If she can somehow continue to delude herself, then that is something I can in no reasonable way accept any ownership of.

Have you spoken with her? Tried therapy? Has she seen a doctor?<br />
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I'm assuming you haven't told the whole story here. I used to suffer from serious depression and I am in tears hearing how you speak. I feel the pain you are in.<br />
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You have to know that you are worth SO much more than you are giving yourself credit for right now.<br />
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Have it out with her. Talk, talk and talk some more. I have found 99% of the time my depression is directly related to how much I am holding in. Don't be afraid to share what you are feeling with your wife. Even if she shoots you down, ignores you, dismisses you, at least YOU have done what you can.<br />
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If you just run away, you will be carrying this baggage with you and you never will be able to have a good relationship with anyone else, because you are not having a good relationship with yourself.<br />
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Treat yourself well by telling her how you feel and making sure you get it ALL off your chest. Then, if you have to leave, you are doing so with clarity and with the knowledge that you've done everything you could do. Not just slink off into the darkness carrying the "what ifs" with you the rest of your life.<br />
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Best of luck to you, brother!

All I know is that if I survive this, I don't think I'll ever be in another serious relationship... too much emotional scar tissue to ever trust anyone again. I used to think that things like prenuptual agreements would inherently undermine a relationship, as it is supposed to be based on trust. Now... well I don't think about it anymore, because it isn't a problem that logic can solve. <br />
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I'm preparing my car for a road trip east. Taking a week away from this. Maybe I'll get some kind of traction (heh).

How long have you been without sex? It has been over 4 years for me. I don't know why, but he just doesn't want it. I don't believe he is cheating, but I also don't know why he lost interest. What excuses does your wife give or is it just not mentioned like at my house? Have you strayed because of this? I don't know if I should look for it elsewhere or leave or just continue living this empty life. What city are you in?

The journey is off to a slow start. All the projects... paintings, sculptures, models, half-built computers, home remodeling, journal-writing... I'm trying to package them all up in some kind of transitional state. Pare things down to a minimum, so my energy isn't lost in sideways motion. I'm fighting a bout of depression right now, but that's hardly news, and if I allow it to be an excuse for inaction, I would be completely under other people's control. I need to realize I'm fighting for my life here. But that's all the fighting I can do today... let's see what tomorrow brings.

I certainly with above sentiment re misery halved, since finding this site I haven't had any sex but it helps to think that its not just me. That there are men & women with needs that are ignored by partners mostly because their own inadequacies don't allow them to communicate with partners

Thank you for the comments. Visiting this site does help me feel a little bit better, in a "misery shared is misery halved" way.

Over time, I've come to believe something - at least about myself. And that is that love and lust are two very different things. You can be physically attracted to someone that you don't particularly care for. And you can care for someone that you aren't particularly attracted to. It's when you find both in someone, and they find that in you, that you've got something great. That's also quite difficult to find.<br />
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So many people here still have the love. The relationships are quite functional but not complete. Were they incomplete to start with? Did attraction fade with time? Is that human nature? I don't know. But it sucks. And we are wired to do something about it but trained not to.

she won't talk with you at all about it?