Waking Up Together.....

My spouse and our therapist said I am wrong. I am 48 years old, I was in law enforcement for 29 of those years - dealing with everyone else's problems in their living rooms at 3am. I am the father of two successful, happy, beautiful adult children who are my best friends. I have been confidant, I have been a whipping post, I have been a blood-brother, I have been a rescuer, I have been near-death, I have helped those near-death.... and those that slipped away to its permanent embrace....

My point is that I am no idiot. I know right from wrong. I know happy from sad. I know up from down. I can use "their, there, and they're" correctly.... again - I didn't just fall off the sh*twagon. SO - I know I am right!!!! Please allow me to expand my point...

I am C-O-N-V-I-N-C-E-D that it is possible to be in a relationship with another person and be completely and totally in love with them every single day. I am convinced that they puppy love one feels at the beginning CAN live for a long long time. I know its true because of the candle i have carried for the woman who I have been married to for a very long time.

"Oh everybody has ups and downs" "things change after a while" "that is unrealistic" etc etc - to all of those things I say "how sad". Because I still carried it every single day. We are at (checks watch) 26 years now married - thirty together. And until last year that candle burned bright in a dark and lonely room. Now matter how bad she KNEW she could look over and see that candle. She melted hers down for a door stop years ago. But I had mine. And I loved her like I did from the beginning. Yearned for her smile, her touch.

I AM CONVINCED THAT I COULD BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND THAT I COULD WAKE UP EVERY SINGLE MORNING AND WATCH HER SLEEP... with her hair messed up and drooling. I am convinced that I would feel that RUSH over body when I walk in to bring her a cup of coffee/tea/insert drink here in the morning while she is getting dressed and just gasp inside at the sight over her partially clothed body. I am convinced that every phone call should end with "I love you" because we are not guaranteed the future and that should be the LAST thing you say to someone you love before you part ways or hang up. I am convinced that it SHOULD drive me crazy to be snuggled up to her in bed and it SHOULD give me sleep problems because I desire her so much. I am convinced that no matter what "problem" comes down the pike..... it can and will be handled to the best of our abilities.... that's it. Fighting, arguing? What's that? Seriously.

You could ask my kids and my friends - and my W - what I am like. And they will tell you the same thing. I am happy every moment I am awake. I smile big - I laugh big - and I love big! Ask my kids and friends how many times I have EVER, E-V-E-R been in a bad mood........................... zero. Every phone conversation is a new chance to talk, every visit is a new chance to share love and friendship. My W says I am a dreamer. (but I'm not the only one LOL) and maybe she is right......
Drummer1013 Drummer1013
46-50, M
28 Responses Nov 17, 2012

You are beautiful. Period. Damn.

i dont have enough HEARTs for your post. truly amazingly said. but only possible because u live what u just said. God bless & be your 'help'...

Thank you for sharing this. I think you've got a GREAT and admirable perspective on this.
Could you clarify, though -- what exactly did your therapist disagree with? Seems weird to disagree with your convictions on love.

I can relate to that. I used to think I could be positive enough for us both, but years of being with a negative person make it hard to do sometimes. I wish you well. Hugs

Exactly. And thanks

I admire you as a person. you are true to yourself and others. i wish all men were like you. To be honest, things do end up fizzling out. I admire you being there for your wife. You really should have her read what you just wrote here. She needs to truely see how much you love her. I envy your wife.

You have a good outlook. I admire your thinking. I also commend on trying to be happy. I also wonder are you hiding some pain.

I know there are others like you out there, and I wish I was one of them. I don't think that this is unrealistic, I think that loving someone with your whole being is a wonderful, precious thing, and that your wife is a fool if she doesn't see this. If this relationship doesn't work out in the end, my wish for you is that you find a woman who is able to accept and return such absolute love.

I cried reading this. Thank you so much for sharing

I once loved a man like that - and he loved me. We romanced each other always and my heart skipped a beat every time I saw him. We knew each other and best friends for 19 19 years from age 4 to 23...until he was killed in a car crash. I have never met anyone else who I have felt like that for or who loved me in that way. I married at 39...and regreted it since the second year ... I stay because of my..our adopted child. And remain faithful despite not remembering the last time we were intimate. But I'm getting to the point where I realise I'd be happier without him in my life. Xxx

It's time to really think about why you're still with him. Are you hanging of for fear of the unknown? Can you paint two pictures - one with him for the next many years, and one without him? Which picture works for you. Good luck. You've got my support for either choice because it sounds to me that you've thought it out carefully.

Thanks for the advice t3kno. ..especially the 2 pictures....has set me thinking with blank canvases...xx

You are not alone! I have been called a Pollyanna and I don't understand why it is a negative thing. As a teacher we are taught to look for the good i a child. Catch them being good and praise them before correcting mistakes. so, shy is it negative for me to look for the silver lining? I won't say i have never had a bad day. i have had a lot of them. I am convinced that they occur when I listen to negative thought from others and believe them.
I wish you the best in your search. There are others who believe in true love that lasts. The trick is to have both people believe in it and strive for it.

Thank you

Hi..thank you for your story. It sounds like a painful a painful process.

Sometimes love is not enough. Maybe the love or respect had already gone. It doesn't "just" happen like that.  30 years together is a lot of sharing of the good the bad and the ugly.

Funny thing with woman is they need to know they are number one. Not the one after work has been done (3am) Not the one after the daughters (my best friends) not after....fill in.

Ofcurse you only get to experience what your own faults were..once you are out of the relationship at least that is my experience.

Is it really hopeless?? Do you want a devorce?30years is a lot to loose, many photobooks to close, friends to loose, financial  and material stuff to resolve. Arguments tears and fights. Is it worth it?

You say you don't ask for anything...do you realise that by that you take away the opportunity to give and please for the other?

Your happines is your responsability and you need to act like that. If things go to **** and you never have asked.. Partly yours to blame? You are  very intelligent you know communication is important. Give give give is a sweetner.. The easy way out for no confrontations. It is time to confront and ask for what you need so she has a chance to give and pleasure you too. What do you gave to looae

One day at a time. May i suggest that you have convinced yourself that all is well because of your extreme sense of honor. You deserve to have your S O treat you with the kind of intimacy that we all seek, and a love that is fair and balanced if possible.

in every relasonship there is the Flower and the gardener, you sound like the gardener.
that is looking for something

I dunno whether possible or not...
but what a worthy
joyinthejourney, clg

I feel like you, though it is a more recent issue to feel alone, I also feel that your desire to be faithful and still live may heal it, though many here would label that a pipe dream, maybe they are right, I don't plan on them being so.

Looks like you have a lot to be thankful for. Many of us probably look at your sense of optimism and desc<x>ription of your life's path with great awe. But...there's more to discover.<br />
<br />
What is it that you're demanding from your SO? <br />
What do you *expect* her to be like for you to be really, completely happy? <br />
What are you demanding from yourself? <br />
What are *your* rough edges?<br />
What do *you* owe your relationship?<br />
<br />
Who would you be like if you did NOT cling to this fr<x>ame of mind?<br />
What if you were to say that you're okay and ...she's okay? <br />
How would you see your relationship then?

What is it that you're demanding from your SO? I demand nothing. I have never DEMANDED anything from her. I give to her. I ask for nothing in return, which is what I get. It is not my job to ask or demand... she gives what she wants. If you demand you get something fake - and thats not for me. it has to be "want" - then it is real.

What do you *expect* her to be like for you to be really, completely happy? Again - I don't expect. It is a matter of my wanting what she wants to give. And apparently she does not want to be more than friends or she would give more of herself because she WANTS to.

What are you demanding from yourself? To act with integrity, respect, dignity, honesty, and love in all that I do.

What are *your* rough edges? My rough edges................................. I am not sure what you mean.

What do *you* owe your relationship? Honest, true, deep-from-within effort and commitment. Which I have provided for over 30 years now.

Who would you be like if you did NOT cling to this frame of mind? I don't know. I do not cling. I just am.

What if you were to say that you're okay and ...she's okay? Right here on EP. That has been what I have done for 30 years now. And here I am. I didn't just jump on here after an argument or because I didn't get my way. I got on here because I have no more to give and its not good enough so I am desiring to find guidance from my fellow humans.

I hope you find a path towards the reassurance and peace that you're seeking through the EP community.

u sound like a strong loving man......and you did your part....

writer more later....

Ok, that was a great story but I wound up reaching the end, unable to spot what you're supposed to be wrong about. Dit you neglect to mention it?


it's good to know that on the other side of the world, there are still people like you, who still love one person...and people don't have problems with that..

When with the right person...you are right.

I can relate to everyone of you. I am happy all day, I can make the best of a bad situation and move along. My wife can find fault with anything, grumpy in the morning and sometimes all day. I do beleive that one can love another person and be as excited about it through life as when they first met. Must have to find the right one; for some of us, it never happens.

I sure hope it does.... For both of us!!

Three, we're living parallel lives. I'm raising a pint of pale ale to you and our optimistic bretheren and women...........cheers

And I raise the Bookers Bourbon I hold in my hand to you and wish you Peace Snake!

My story is similar to yours only I do not have kids but happy I am every moment of the day,never am I in a bad mood.My W says to me no one is like that,no one is happy all the time.Well I wish I could let her read your story and tell her there are others like me.
Like you no romance in my marriage no sex but I am happy all the same and dream of being in a life long romance again.
We shall see.Thanks for your story and than you for 29 yrs of great service to the community.

Well I wish you peace in your life Easy - and that's very nice of you to say. thanks

Your story was beautiful and some what familliar, I am the wife who feels the same way you do about her husband and yet I am pushed aside, neglected and sometimes mentally and verbally abused. I know how you feel about that kind of love I find myself constantly starring at him to get no reaction or no adoring look reciprocated. You feel so in love with that person and want to be so close to them it makes you ache. I just wanted you to know you are not alone I have been married 11 yrs been together 21. And I have felt alone for almost 18 yrs.

I am so sorry for you. I appreciate your input very much. What a life huh?

Well I am Jealous! I try real hard to stay upbeat, but some days there is no way! Whats the secret to never being in a bad mood?

It was a gift from my dad. Most positive, loving human being I have ever known. I was blessed. He just never saw the bad in anything. Even when we were in very tough times when his factory closed when I was a kid and the Christmas tree was BARE underneath he told us all something that has stuck with me to this day. He said "How are you going to know when you are having good times if you don't have some bad times?"

hmmm *smile* Yes, you were blessed!! yup, that's the truth! Morning to you. Have another very fine day my new friend!

And you as well :)

It sounds like you had a great role model. I don't think my kids could learn this lesson from their father... that's sad. My only hope is that I can be positive enough to override his negativity.

Unjusted - I did have a great role model. In ONE of my parents. There is a whole different forum for the way my mother treated me my entire life, and especially when I was little - so I won't go into that. But the love, guideance, respect, and support from my pop ALONE got me through. And, my friend, YOU will be that person for your kids!!

Peace to you

Thanks for the reassurance TDA :)

3 More Responses

I'll drink to that! Good on ya mate :D

You are a happy person. And your kids believe you to be a happy person in all things. You announcing you would leave last year threw them for a loop not because they can't handle it but because they DID NOT KNOW. They need to know how you authentically feel. They deserve to have that modeled for them honestly.

What they are quietly learning is the opposite of all you said here. They are learning by experiencing the arc of your marriage that "things change after a while", "every couple has ups and downs" and that every marriage has its candle burned out by 30 years in.

I have said this before and I will say it again because it is worth repeating in your case. My parents divorced a decade ago. It threw me for a loop initially. Their marriage was devoid of touching - around us at least. I can vividly remember the number of times I saw them kiss even lightly in my whole childhood: twice. My brother and I talk about those times because they are so memorable. Later when my father was concerned that ending the marriage would make us not believe in marriage anymore, he asked me if I thought I might not want to get married because they were getting a divorce.

I told him the honest truth because that's who I am: "No. You getting a divorce does not make me question marriage. Your marriage is what made me question ever getting married." I ended up in a similar marriage not two years later. But I watched my parents find their authentic selves and new relationships where each has more happiness than I ever knew them to have when I was a child. Both are happier, stronger and better parents than I ever knew as a child. They are much more honest about themselves and understand themselves much better. They set a better example for me now. You can do that too.

Lead your kids and show them that it is never too late to choose happiness. That's a lesson they need to know from their Dad.

Thank you. Well said!

You are not wrong. My husband was in a similar marriage for 25 years. He loved his wife no matter how horribly she treated him. She wouldn't even let him sleep in the same bed with her the last 7 years of their marriage. I know this is going to sound horrible but when she died, he finally got to live. There is a woman out there who will treat you right and you need to find her! Your life is not over yet! My husband is also 48. We have been married 10 months now and it is amazing!

See.... you are in the club I want to be in one day. I knew I was right. Love is an intoxicating thing and one day I want to drink of it again like your husband has. He is a lucky man

You can be too TDA. I believe there is a woman out there who is longing for your love. Go find her! I'm praying for you!