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Another Night Alone, Together.

Another night alone. Spent all day being attentive, helpful, doting husband. Then comes the speech "You're being really nice to me, thank you. I just want you to know I can't tonight because [insert medical excuse]".

She sees me coming a mile away. Before I can even initiate she is closing the door.

I am guessing a sexually available partner might engage in some other kind of activity that isn't effected by the problem. That would require her to touch me though. And THAT is not going to happen....

I want so badly to feel some passion.
CravingSomething CravingSomething 36-40, M 6 Responses Nov 17, 2012

Your Response


I think I know the background here in a general way...Just being the devil's advocate...I also live in a sexless marriage and have worn the blame for a VERY long time. Yes, I am the one that avoids it. Doing 'things' is very nice for the family and for the wife...but (just asking) do you ever do anything to make her feel very special...not useful but special. From the years of research and therapy I have learned that women really need you to make love to their mind first...and not just for a day or before you want sex...It should be a constant thing. Don't ever assume that someone doesn't want to be touched just because they don't respond to one way of touching. Try another way. Has she given you hints as to what she wants, or even told you about things that she wants? Have you listened? A lot of time we get caught up in our own worry and misery that we don't realize that by listening to the other person you could have the answer. Question: what has your therapist said about the issue?

Very insightful. She has complained of not feeling "special" in the past. My challenge: Make her feel special while she hates herself.

My questions to you: Should my marriage be a constant attempt by me to "fix" myself? Shouldn't an equal partner in marriage want to reach out and show affection to their spouse occasionally? Doesn't a normal person just occasionally want to have sex?

I am on the other side...yet have the same feeling of always working on myself. It is hard to really get a feel on these boards for what you are going through. I just know there is always another side...even if hers is trapped deep, deep within her:( I am sorry you go through this pain...and yes a person wants sex...from someone that makes them feel very special (I want this)...I think I am learning that this is one of my sorry for advizing through my own issue... oh and I do believe that life (not just mariage) is a constant process of fixing ourselves...looking for the end is just setting ourselves up for failure...striving to be is a process:) Sorry...little off topic but seemed to fit:)

No, it's good input. I'd be interested to know if you are male or female if only to know from what perspective you are coming from. If you are female I would be interested to know what makes you feel special and how someone might accomplish that.

If a woman "hates herself" (as you describe your wife), then you need to be a good therapist to have any chance of making her feel "special" again. My wife does not hate herself. But through decades of suppressing and demeaning my normal, authentic sexuality, she has turned me to hating myself (well, at least my sexuality). She stands no chance in hell or heaven of making me feel "special" again. But wait, I am a male, so I supposedly don't need to feel "special" to want to have sex.

You got it right with your last statement. That's about it.

I'm not a "girly girl", have a personality somewhere between Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler, and choose a lifetime profession dominated by males - with great success. Even for a "logical" female like myself there's unbelievably complex warp and weave behind my sex drive. The smartest thing a man can do to ensure sex to to enlist nature and behave like a man because there is no intellectual way to cut through the traffic jam going on inside our heads.

Poco, we are in the same position, written off as "too cerebral" by more than one therapist. In our case, though, I don't behave like a man and she does not behave like a woman, because neither of us is secure in our gender identity. So we are sterile, cerebral housemates.

Yes, if cerebral is dominating the bedroom there will be trouble.

I must clarify my previous reply in that while not a "girly girl" at work or in public, within the confines of a personal relationship I am quite feminine. Our problem is that my husband mirrors this by projecting as dominant in public while being submissive/feminine in the bedroom. I'm not attracted to submissive men in even a cell of my body so I fear this will never work even if he comes to terms with other issues.

Your dynamic actually sounds like one that can be improved with non-cerebral behavioral changes.

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I feel sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to say I know what its like, you are not alone.

The natural longer-term urge to get some root aside, here is my opinion on how to take care of the short term. Not getting any is a problem, but it is perhaps worse to be called out half an hour before you make an advance, in the manner you were. I will translate it for you: "You were being nice to me because you wanted a **** at the end of the day. Let me warn you with ample time to spare that it's not going to happen." You should first repair the relation dynamic so that she does not feel you are making any advances by being so nice. This may come in two parts: first, don't be so nice (do your share, nothing special, of course don't be nasty); second, detect what sensors she uses to claim you are soon going to make an advance, and crush them under your boot. She will of course never miss sex itself, but let her notice that you are making no advances for at least several months. If/when she says something like she just did, you should be able to ask "Whatever gave you the impression that I was looking for sex?" Look, we live in the 21st century with modern notions of gender equality. Just because you were born with the **** affliction, you cannot live a life where you are the eternal supplicant waiting with bated breath to find out if you have been approved for tonight. Start behaving like political equals first. Then figure out where you want to go from there.

1. She won't care if you are not making advances.
2. It's not political.
3. Attempting to solve a limbic system mismatch via debate is like trying to start a fire by reading the instructions on a can of lighter fluid.

Yes, the relationship is in a very tough spot. I have a feeling that she is here because of the kids, and for financial reasons. Sadly, a lot of what ails us is the result of resentment and unresolved conflict over no sex!

Clearly there was some offense that began this years ago on my part. She passive-agressively decided to punish me by withholding sex. We didn't resolve the issue. Then I began to resent her for the lack of intimacy thereby pulling further away and probably doing more of the thing that she was pissed about in the first place.

At this point all know is that my wife does not reach for my hand, ever. I can't live like this.

I am all sympathy, like most on this group. But try my recipe. Recover yourself as an independent individual who is not looking for any favor from your wife beyond amicable housemates. Pretend you are a bachelor. Once you get back that confidence in being fine alone, you will make a more level-headed decision about how to proceed on the marriage front. My best wishes to you!

Are you certain it's "punishing" she's after? What are her reasons for avoiding sex to begin with? I ask because sometimes assumptions cause additional problems that divert focus from the source.

For example, in my SM I could look at my PA husband's neglect as punishment for something I did or am. I choose not too because I know from previous relationships and past therapy it's not me.

Here's his standard list of rejections and how I now answer them:
1. "I'm afraid of you".
- That's fine because I don't want to sleep with a man who's afraid of me.

2. "You don't fall asleep in my arms like 'all other women'".
- Well dear, in 22 years of marriage you have NEVER ONCE reached out to me in the night to hold me for either comfort or for anything else. In return you have rejected my advances countless times,excepting those where you could be certain that nothing will occur other a peck or brotherly hug.

3. "You don't kiss me right".
-No, I won't and never will bend you over and stick my tongue down your throat like an overly agressive man. If this is what you need you married the wrong woman. Or perhaps what you want is a man.

4. "You don't accept MY preferred foreplay that is universally liked by ALL other women".
-You spent five minutes 40 years ago learning that one trick that one other woman once said she enjoyed. Since in your idealized world all women are the same it's obviously my problem that I don't respond to it. (Laugh)

5. "I'm afraid you'll reject me so I have to reject you first". (Usually stated with crocodile tears.)
- Turn and walk away. A non-negotiable rejection to knock him off his mind game and prepared argument/excuse.

6. You're not like "All other women(tm)" so you need to change for me to want you.
-While it's a nice turnaround this time exclude me from your petri dish collective of "all other women" I'm curious as to how other identically assigned women from your life would respond. It's possible they may have a differing viewpoint from yours. One where the problem is you, not them.

My point is that refusers usually have deep and conflicting unresolved issues. For the refused to throw fuel on fire by accepting the misplaced blame and withdrawing - unless divorce is desired - isn't going to help. My husband was raised by a refuser mother (whom he now hates due to how she broke down his father). He has followed in her exact refuser footsteps. For him it's "proving love" in some misguided thought process to refuse sex. His father provided proof to his mother by staying all those years now I'm forced to do the same otherwise I don't love him.

If you are protecting and providing as a man should it's unlikely the problem lies with something (imagined) done long ago.

If you're not holding up your end it's another story. Get your act together so you can be someone she needs to reach for.

Much similarity between you and both me and my wife. Beyond a point, two people with sufficiently similar minds may find it hard to be sexual partners.

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Mate, I'll be blunt. Apart from the lack of sexual intimacy, you are also not getting any empathy from your spouse. You have agreed to the status quo and your spouse is absolved of any responsibility whatsoever. There is nothing wrong with having a vent. However, bear in mind that your dissatisfaction carries with it resentment and anger and frustration which do not abate. A marriage devoid of intimacy takes its emotional toll over time.

"There is no quick fix, and I won't break up my family over this."

You want to think long and hard about the part that says "I won't break up the family over this". I am certainly NOT suggesting you walk away, but at present your behaviour with her is actually allowing her to choose a very dysfunctional way of life. It is called co-dependency. I encourage you to read about it in depth and apply what you discover to your own situation.

This is not a criticism of you - but I do believe you are (unwittingly and unintentionally) actually assisting her to make poor life choices. It will take a lot of hard work and steely determination on your part to turn that around, but it CAN be done.

It's about the kids. I won't be a weekend dad.

So you have consulted a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would actually shake out for you ?? And know for a fact that the co-parenting would work out as you say ??

I am versed on my options.

<p>From your other stuff on here, you missus is a diagnosed depressive, so you probably know the "why" she is as she is.</p><p>Reading between the lines it seems she does not manage her condition terribly well - or at all - and consequently indulges in behaviours almost guaranteed to keep you at distance.</p><p>She may or may not realise that these behaviours will work even better than her "keep you at distance" agenda. They will eventually drive you right out the door, which is probably not what she had in mind (as that would mean she'd have to start owning her own ****).</p><p>Anyway, her issues are her issues. Hers to address, hers to manage. They are not your issues and (apart from being supportive, if she was doing anything you could support) you can't fix them for her.</p><p>Have you got a dealbreaker situation here ? or does your tolerance level have a bit more to go ?</p><p>Tread your own path.</p>

Just venting on here as usual. There is no quick fix, and I won't break up my family over this. It doesn't mean I have to like it though. I just want to express myself and feel some support from others in my situation. As a man "not getting any" at home carries with it a stigma, and I am not comfortable sharing this issue with my friends.

So, here I am on the internet. Getting emotional support from strangers that I cant get in my marriage. How ******* sad is that?

We here all know exactly how sad it is. Feel lucky that at least you have "stigma" on your side. We women are often looked upon as freaks for even voicing our displeasure in a SM. After all, isn't a SM exactly all women really want?

(Bangs head on desk.)

"There is no quick fix"
That is a true statement based on the collective experience of 32,000 members here.
However, there is no 'slow' fix either.
There is NO fix that you (or I, or anyone) can apply to another person