My very pragmatic mother once told me, "Fall in love with someone who loves you more than you love him."

Good advice?
Bad advice?

TO the group FOR advice.

Fool4Waiting Fool4Waiting
56-60, F
13 Responses Nov 18, 2012

My mother told me the same thing. I should have heeded. I know that much time has passed since you last wrote a story, but I look forward to what you have to report. Take care.

Ooh, that's a tough one for me. I've usually been the one who was loved more, although I often only realized it when I was 'done'. But I really disliked the cynicism of the idea that whoever loves the most will get hurt. I believed mutual respect mattered more than some comparison of the amount of love (which seems to be code for 'need', anyway).

Then I met the love of my life - and we were beautifully matched in our desire and delight for one another. When he said "-the rest of my life." it was the first time I'd ever heard that without feeling like, 'Uh oh-' Instead I thought "Yes!" and I committed myself permanently.
You know where this is going, right? (I mean, this IS the ILIASM group.)
So I have to say that while I still believe it doesn't have to be one person loving more than the other one, I can't say that I know it from personal experience.

(And to quote my best friend, "Love is...whatever it is, but bad manners are bad manners."

marry for money...then when all is have that to fall back on...i married a girl that she and i grew up on the same street...played together as small children...both dated other people...then married...thinking that if we werent right for each other...we certainly wouldnt be wrong...3 years into the marriage she left me for another man...when that didnt work out...she came back crying to me...i took her back...we stayed together through 3 was great...then after the children got stopeed...she said that (all of a sudden ) she didnt want to have sex because i had changed... the things we had done all those years had turned her stomach....the oral sex ...sharing fantasies...flashing...i know that she at one time was sexually satisfied... that wasnt the problem...the problem is that i was never the one...she felt like she had settled....i figure that the odds of both parties in a marriage being the right one is or the was spurned by their true love...settled for you...then blames you...sad isnt it

This dilemma reminds me of the saying, "Good work if you can find it."

I think maybe I got married under that assumption. My husband wanted it (marriage, not me) more than I did. I didn't think he'd leave me. I didn't want to be left. I'm the one leaving after many years.

Still, I see your mother's point, and I've struggled with this. Most of the men I've wanted didn't seem to want me as much. Those men that wanted me were men I wasn't interested in. It's hard to find that balance. i think I finally did with the man I'm with now, but there's always that lingering question, "Does he really want me?"

the one that loves least has the power. it is a cold war relationship, but she was right.

I prefer a relationship where each person is on equal footing, emotions-wise.

BEWARE! That obsessive adoration that you experience early in a relationship may well lead you to believe he (she) loves you more than life itself!! How intoxicating! How delicious! How beguiling! So refreshing after all the other dates where you feel you come a poor third after the motor bike and the mates . . . ! Or the girlfriends and shoe shopping . . . !!

Such intense adoration is a HUGE red flag for future relationships. It is often characterised by wanting you to spend all your time with him/her; by being jealous of your other activities and friends; etc. It seems charming - for the first three weeks! After that you become aware that this is jealous and controlling behaviour. Abusive mrriages often start like this . . .

You are a "possession" not a partner, and this type of obsessive behaviour is very destructive for any relationship.

Absolutely right! They control you, but brainwash that it is love and care...

I did that. I loved how much he loved me, but when he didn't anymore - I felt my love for him just vanish.

It is only a good advice, if you have trully indeed LOVE HIM. If he is head over heal with you and you somehow only like him a lot, then no, you need more time to find the love for him, and if you can't find that love after ample time you give yourself, then no, I don't think it would be lasting because you will always feel something is still missing in the relationship.

My mom used to say the same. And at first, because of how obsessively my husband pursued me, it was that way. I fell just as hard for him once we actually started dating, but somehow now I feel like it is completely the other way around. I crave any attention from him I can get, he can take me or leave me.

Did your mum follow her own advice?

I wonder.
I suspect this was an understanding she may have come to in her own marriage.

How sad.

I'm surprised by the responses here.
I expected it all to be "Don't do that that's silly!"
Instead, more seem to cotton to the idea (and some have heard it themselves) than I expected.

I also suspect (and I've touched on this in previous postings) that our circumstances are more learned (and passed down) than we suspect.

Equal stakes is of course the ideal. Managing small group projects, I often see this matter of asymmetric stake cause much heartburn, even in professional life. Some people are very good at gaging the stake other group members have in the success of a project. Then they are good at letting those poor stakeholders drive the project with their vital force, who are not fools; they soon figure this out. Even if they are trapped into seeing the project through, they feel resentful as hell. It's a difficult choice: if equal stakes were somehow denied to you, would you rather be the cow or the milkman? Depends on where your conscience sits, I guess. Who am I to pontificate on ideal marriages, but it seems the best marriages are those where the partners work on equalizing stake all the time.

Cannot LIKE this enough.