How Do You Tell People You're Divorcing?

You live in New York? People up there mind their own business and don't want details. If they inquire tell them this, "I'l forgive your rude and personal question because I know you care about me however, I prefer not to discuss these personal issues." Trust me, they will read through the lines/make inferences and no more will be said to you. That way everyone in the room will have an idea why you parted ways yet you will all be spared the embarrassment of the situation.

im going through the same thing! i dont know how to tell the rest of the world whats going on with me! and as u said, its no ones business to know about your sex life,,, do what i did,, people who are not even close to me just started to act like they know me forever! they asked me and i simply said, it was just not working out! and sorry i dont think you need to know about it!
of course i told my close friend and family about him but the rest dont need to now the details!! coz at the end it gets really tiring explaining it over and over again! i just got divorced like a week ago, and we were separated for 5months, he is 30 and im 26, and we used to have sex once every month!! if i get lucky twice!!! i'm not fat or ugly, and we were like that for a whole year!! and before all that we dated for three years, though we couldnt have much of sex coz he was busy with work and finishing his studies, but it was much better before we got married!!!

dear, just keep this in mind, you owe no one an explanation, things were not working out and thats it!!!
be strong , take care love xoxox

I think what you've written sounds perfect and I think the email is a fine idea. I'd be sure to bcc your ex so he has a heads-up on the "party line", and so that he knows that you are treating him kindly to family and friends. I would not write it collaboraively, issue a "joint" statement or tell him you are writing it before you send it.

Be prepared for some odd and unexpected responses...but their responses are their problem, not yours. As it was when we were telling people about DH'S cancer last year, it was awkward to tell people at first, then it got much easier.

One thing I'd like you to consider, though, is that in quiet moments with close, likeminded friends, consider sharing the sexlessness secret. There is so much shame those of us who have been refused feel...you may find sympathy and support that will help you heal. Also, we need to bear witness to the importance of sex to a marriage by striking down refuser-like comments and jokes, of which there are too many out there. We must be silent no more about this epidemic. (Refer to the group "I am a Member of the Sexless Liberation Front" aka the SLF)

You tell 'em, at least that's been my policy if directly asked. My experience was that not talking about this cr@p is one of the things that trapped me. You just state it, people will ask a couple of questions, some will be supportive, some will say something dumb. It'll get passed around as gossip in your social circle, and most people who care about you will end up hearing about it. It's not that weird or unusual after all. There's a fair number of marriages like this.



Telling my dad was a fun one.

I posted about this in the summer, you can read it here: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/2438589
Basically told our closest friends/family in person, then posted an email as written in the story above.

Best of luck!

Of the people you dropped the word to last night, most of them would have forgotten about it once you left the room. There will be a handful who discussed it briefly over breakfast this morning, and it likely won't come up in their conversations for ages.

Your true friends (and there aren't actually all that many of them - this is not a reflection on you, if you have more than a handful of close confidantes you are unusual) are already supporting you.

Personally, I wouldn't be making any effort at all to advise every Tom **** and Harry of what is going on. What's the point ? They'll mouth the usual "Oh My God", in dramatic fashion, "Oh that's terrible", then "who do you reckon is going to win Australian Idol tonight ?"

Tread your own path.

Ok, I guess this is a two part question: part 1 is what to say, part 2 is how to deliver the message. After reading this blog post and the comments, I am thinking of sending a brief email to the friends and family I haven't already told. I told all my inner circle people in person.

http://captainawkward.com/2012/05/20/250-how-do-i-tell-people-about-my-divorce/

I was going to say something like "We haven't been happy for a long time, and tried very hard to fix it, but we eventually came to the conclusion that we should go our separate ways." I was going to explain "I am emailing because as you know this is difficult news to share, and I really can't bear the idea of having 50 separate conversations about it or having to answer lots of questions. I would however appreciate your support and hope to see you soon." Maybe a little info about him moving back to the west coast, etc etc, Happy Thanksgiving.

Thoughts?

"We no longer want and need the same things. This is a very sad decision for us and I will appreciate your support."

Choose a statement that puts the responsibility onto them - because that will immediately deflect the issue from you to them! Also, MOST people (but be aware, not all) will be sad for you but very supportive.

If people press you, simply say something like "Ony the two people in a marriage know exactly what is happening" or " I respect my STBX too much too air our dirty laundry to others".

AVOID (except with your nearest and dearest) blaming, criticising or "outing" him. Behave with consideration and respect for his feelings - even if the dumbass does not return the favour!! In the long run, taking the high moral ground in these things stands YOU in the best stead. People who know you both will remember that you were dignified and respectful - and that he was an a**hole. THAT will affect their understanding of your divorce more than anything you can tell them!

BTW, you may be surprised how, after a while, many people actually confide in you that they don't know how you ever tolerated being married to him!!

Unfortunately there are always a few (friends and/or family who think they have a RIGHT to sit in moral judgement on you and your marriage. That is an INCORRECT assumption on their part- so don't let their negativity affect you. You may also find that the most critical ones are also the most unhappy in their OWN marriages. This tells you that they are actually jealous of your ability to do something they are failing to do - walk away from a dysfunctional relationship and live a better life themselves. So IGNORE their criticisms!!

I agree with ray...it really depends on the audience. How about saying something like, "I have decided to seek a higher quality of life," for those closer to you. It tells the story without telling the story.

Luckily, most of the people I told didn't ask why. (Possibly because they could see it coming?) Only my mom knows the true whys...everyone else gets a whitewashed version of the whys. Your SM is no one else's business...unless you want it to be. Don't be afraid to say, "it's really not something I'm willing to discuss (with you)."

"we grew apart...."

i'll would respond that it is a mutual decision as you two have fallen out of love? or simply a mutual decision to move on, if they still ask answer the same way, they should get the drift and leave you alone.

Deal with it on one on one basis. Ef Facebook, it just encourages mass stupidity and results in keyboard warrioring, and takes away the eye contact that you need to have when you deal with issues like this. Don't broadcast the divorce issue with work colleagues, because, as cathartic as it may be, everybody in a work environment loves to gossip and enjoy shcadenfreud. You real friends will know the issue and be supportive.