Hi guys i'm new to the forum but need to talk to someone. I met my husband a year ago and was instantly swept off my feet. He was a widow, with his own home and a lovely car and a what seemed to be a nice lifestyle. To top it all he was a lovely, caring, warm man. Now I had been on my own for some 10 years so this was all wonderful to me. Within 2 months he had wisked me off to Vegas and married me. I was extatic and happier than I had ever been in a long time.

We had NOT made love as he told me he was on a medication for a couple of weeks which gave him ED. .................. One year later we have still not made love and i find he has a serious heart condition (just had a pacemaker fitted and is awaiting mitral valve replacement and a bypass) and he is taking some serious Blood Pressure Med and heart Meds FOR LIFE........ Now I love him but I feel very cheated. He knew he had heart problems but never told me . At only 47 I am going crazy. The cuddles and kisses have got less and less and to add insult to injury I am living in his house 50miles from the family that love me. I am lonley, lost and feel unloved.

I'm sorry if you think I am ranting on but i am so sad...
dinkypink dinkypink
46-50, F
13 Responses Nov 18, 2012

If I had a seriously life-threatening condition, I wonder how it would affect my sense of time and entitlement? Would I start looking toward the moments and experiences, like a wedding? Would I think more impulsively? Would I think more about the wedding day and the moment, or the day to day life afterwards?

You have some difficult decisions to make. It sounds, though, as if there will be minimal impact outside of the two of you. Finances do not appear to be much of an issue here, and reasonably simple to sort out in the aftermath. And with an unconsumated marriage, it's likely even fine for an anulment. In the eyes of the law, there appears to be no marriage. In the lived reality, the relationship does not conform to your own expectation of marriage.

Time, I think, for you two to have a talk about what a marriage is and what it means, vs other kinds of intimate relationships. Brother/sister, parent/child, nurse/patient, close friends, co-parents, business partners, room mates, divorced but amicable spouses, employer/employee.

Good to get a clearly articulated view on both sides of what a married relationship entails - what it means and looks like. And then, see how your present relationship matches up to your expectations. I imagine that most people will admit that their idea of a married relationship includes a robust sexual component. It's really hard to wriggle out of that one, when you take it outside of the two of you.

After that, it's about what you want to do to either fill the gap or reconfigure the relationship. If marriage is a contract, an agreement of some kind, it would appear that your transactions are not aligned. You both got something else instead, perhaps by accident or neglect. It would seem that if you want to have sexual expression in your life, then something else is going to have to give. Either the marriage, or exclusivity as a value. In this case, exclusivity appears tantamount to a vow of celibacy. I don't get the sense that you signed up for that.

And after this long, it is unconscionable and astounding that HE has not raised the topic with you, as to how you will be satisfied within exclusive parameters.

Looks like he wanted a Carer not a wife. There is a bright side to this. If he owns any property or has money in the bank it might not be too long before its yours.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I sympathize with you. At your age, not having sex even with someone you love is hard. I think your man underestimated how sex affects a relationship.

Don't kid yourself, if he really loved you he would have been honest, not to mention that ED does not mean there is no sex in a loving union, as there are many other forms of sex other than P in V (fingers, toys, etc can all be used).

Why did he marry you? Maybe for a carer, maybe for companionship, maybe he is just delusional. In any case the bigger question is, why are you staying married when you are not getting what you want and need from the union?

I am still here because I love him, and would like to think he loves me too. But you are right i am not getting what I want from this relationship. I just dont know what to do.....

Hi guys thank you all for you responses, Yes I did come here for support NWFLMan your right but maybe I have explained this situation with my husband all wrong.... I love him very much, and would like to also mention that I too have a 'lovely car' all of my very own, and a home. Yes i can also support myself well, BUT I was looking for love companionship etc etc......... I thought all my dreams had come true as not only was he a lovely man but he didnt need me financially (as men before have done). He still is a lovely man and we communicate very well, however the cuddles, affection, kisses etc are very few and far between. And he brushes it under the carpet when I try to talk about it. He also promissed me that living 50 miles from my home town was just a temp measure until we could find a home of our own.

As for getting his cash when he dies, well actually his will leaves it all to his children which is fine with me as I would hate to be seen as a 'gold digger' which I feel you are assuming I am. Moreover I would be devastated if he died as I have said I love him.

But thank you all for your comments........

It may be he is having his own second thoughts. Men tend to withdraw and say "I am fine" - sort of the equivalent of "nothing really wrong with my heart" - so the solution there is to drill and drill until you reach bed rock of truth. This is tricky as you can not be seen as a nag or any number of other choice words, yet he will lie and wiggle as he like you, hate to think at "our ages" you did sort of a teen age Vegas whirlwind gig. Which certainly has its high points - but I am certian you understand.

It may be that he saw you as security - and to be true that is a very an and legitimate number one for both sexes- so I was not judging you or gold digging writ large, though as I read my response it was a bit terse. I am sorry.

I fully agree that it is major foul to not discuss a significant heath issue prior to marriage- but whatever. You both own this rather quick decision and now simply need to come to closure on your real truths. Loving communication that does not waiver is the target.

"As for getting his cash when he dies, well actually his will leaves it all to his children..." a bit of cynical information- if he made his will before he married to you, the marriage is canceled his will... and you are now his provisional heir as well...
You said you love him... You did not experience sexual love with him... So you have illusion of love... That intimacy unfortunately never been there.. It would be wrong to expect that suddenly he will become somebody different...
So if you love him as he is you can stay and accept...

Not sure which jurisdiction DinkyPink is in....but I cannot think of a single common law jurisdiction in which a marriage would "cancel" out provisions in a will. Only if H dies intestate, would the property presumptively go to W (under most US intestate statutes...) Anyway, I think she made the point that the main reason she liked the fact he had a house and car, is that many men in earlier relationships were looking to her for financial support and she got sick of it.

Don't know about US, but it works this way in UK and Australia...

This explains things better. Sadly, if he can't or won't engage in intimate behavior with you, and you don't wish to live that way, you have some hard choices to make.

2 More Responses

I know you came here for support. I am sorry for your pain. He did not disclose serious health issues- see Baz below.

Do not know though if you are his kind care giver, or if you are pleasant to him (according to him that is) - if not explains the cuddles etc.

"lovely car" -- {antenna goes up}
"he had wisked me off to Vegas and married me" -- A 47 year old woman does not get "whisked" - she decides to fly to Vegas and get married - it seems, at his expense. And it is certainly a good bit true that you made that decision because he represented financial stability above many other knows and, apparently, unknowns.

The question here is - Upon reflection, what about your situation and desires in life matter most to you? You'll get his casho as soon as he kicks the bucket. When this "marriage" is blessedly over for both of you, you can then move back the fifty miles that YOU decided to move to marry this guy.

With respect if this is really a call for advice -- Examine your values, embrace the ones you keep without regret and own your decisions.

If your marriage hasn't been consumtated, then leave him and annul it. If not then bite the bullet and get a lover.

My thoughts too but I'd make the bastard pay on the way out the door.
Blackmail him.
I have a feeling this is something he wouldn't want known.
What a delicious advantage you have.

He wanted a nurse / carer.

He got one.

Tread your own path.

do you really think he was looking for a carer. This has been said to me before by a friend,

That's how your story reads to me. But that doesn't mean I'm correct.

And, correct me if I'm wrong, but when you say,

"He was a widow, with his own home and a lovely car and a what seemed to be a nice lifestyle. To top it all he was a lovely, caring, warm man. Now I had been on my own for some 10 years so this was all wonderful to me."

....were you just looking for someone to take care of you so you didn't have to struggle on your own? That's kind of what it sounds like, IMO.

Yeah, summa that going on too.

If you were on your own for 10 years before you met him, then I can assume you were able to take care of yourself for all of those years. That means you should still be able to take care of yourself, so you definitely are not trapped. He did not disclose his serious medical issues with you, and that is unfair. It's as bad as not disclosing serious financial problems before marrying. You should not feel bad for leaving a marriage that was started under false pretenses.

You are only 50 miles away from your family. That's nothing. Some people's family (support system) is across the country, and some don't even have family that supports them. You have no children with this person and your family is only 50 miles away.....what the hell are you waiting for?

50 miles seems like relatively nothing. Heck...I've commuted to various workplaces that were greater than 50 miles. Living a continent away from loved ones is hard, but in this day and age, its only a few hours away by jet.

DinkyPink needs to decide if she loved this person so much that she is willing to be his caregiver--for the rest of his life (and/or hers....) I think the magic would wear off pretty fast--for me anyway. He should invest in longterm heatlh insurance--rather than deceiving women.

Whenever one partner deliberately misleads another, trust will be broken. His behaviour has lead to you losing your trust. Once lost, this particular commodity is VERY hard to regain.

You rushed into your marriage - for lots of reasons. Time now to recognise that this haste did not serve you well. You can choose to have your marriage annulled or you can get a divorce. See a lawyer.

"I am lonley, lost and feel unloved." Resolve to be OUT of this situation ASAP.

Maybe I am cynical, but I see a reason for annulment...

A bit confused... You are a very mature woman, but decided to marry a man after 2 months without even have sex once? Now he is not a "a lovely, caring, warm man" any more.. So, unfortunately you made a mistake... He is not what you wished him to be... We all make mistake... I would go back where I was before... Only IMHO... Good luck!

This marriage was a mistake for you, and your husband also did not tell you the truth about himself and his medical condition. It sounds as if you have not consummated your marriage and surely this would be grounds for annulment or divorce. The heavy duty meds for the heart condition will definitely compromise his erectile function. It sounds as if this aspect will not get better. You have only been together for a year, and don't have kids with him. It would be best (I think at least) to leave, to walk away from it. He deceived you in order to trick you into marriage. You are only 47 and could have at least another thirty years of sexlessness ahead - which is a scary prospect.

Thank you for your unjudgmental response I appreciate it very much. I do love htis man very m uch which is prob why I am so frustrated that he cannot make love to me.