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We Are Dealing With More Than Just Refusing Partners.

There have been a few stories in our group, that have made me decide to post the following.

Most of us here are very aware of the non sexual side of the relationship in the marriage, that we are or were in. And many, despite pleadings and discussions, have gotten no where, and so wanted out of the marriage, and have gotten divorced. And those individuals are now going on with their life.
But there have been a few posts here, that show another side to the .....rest of the story....The divorce became an evil greedy game of grab all, and now not only was the sexless person deprived of a life while married, that person now is being deprived of a way to live normally, after a divorce..

My suggestion, is if you suspect your partner may become like this, before you really decide to fight, get legal advice. Find out the facts. Get all the information you can..At least, that way, you may still end up with the possibility of being bankrupt, but at least, you have the option and time to think about that, and perhaps, choose door number 3, or 4..

This ruthless game of, I want all,coming from the refusing spouse, is a side that is full of vengeance, and will be a formidable problem to deal with. I don't know if that is part of their controlling nature, I just don't know. I was lucky, my divorce did not become that. But I have no idea what type of personality is involved to be that determined to bring so much personal destruction to another. It is extremely destructive, and long lasting and unforgiving. If you have that type of personality in your life, then you need expert legal advice to assist and plan your exit.
neuilly neuilly 61-65, F 7 Responses Nov 19, 2012

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I never thought of being broke as a good thing...suddenly it is. :D
...My STBX is afraid the court's going to force her to pay me alimony.
I really don't want her money, I don't intend to take it, and will tell the judge as much...the STBX spent time she could have used to attempt to fix her marriage learning how to program.
She considered her skill set more of a priority than me.
...She can keep her money.

Secretdivorce.com educated me regarding the formulaic method used by the courts in no-fault divorces.

Shrink4Men.com prepared me for what I was up against. In my particular case, it was far more valuable than this forum, because my sexless days would eventually end after divorce... but co-parenting with a BPD is a multi-decade affair.

exactly..and so it just helps to know and be aware. I am not trying to scare people off from taking charge of their life. i just don't want the rug unexpectedly pulled out from under them..Thank you for sharing the web information. That just may be someone's life saver.

It is a way for the controlling spouse to try to keep their control. By further threatening and trying to grab all, especially as it is the last thing they can hold on to.

At first, I thought your post was going to be another one of those "know it all" psychobabble b.s..............but it wasn't. Very helpful advice. Never attempt even a discussion of divorce without your ducks in row........legal ones that is.

In my (no fault) jurisdiction, it matters not a lot whether you divorce him or he divorces you. The split will be pretty much the same. You don't get "extra" because you were the instigator.

However, TIMING IS EVERYTHING.

Time can be used by a ***** (or pricket) to spirit away / hide / conceal assets so that by the time you do take action, the asset pool is not what it ought be.

Happened to enna's sister. Her refuser kept up a campaign of delay for several years, ostensibly to look after everyones best interests, but in reality to spirit away a couple of million which she saw NONE of in the final split.

Tread your own path.

The divorce laws in each jurisdiction will spell out who gets what.

Some spouses might have the fantasy of "getting it all" but asking ain't getting.

So many spouses talk out of their *** with such things as "I am going to clean you out" and it frightens the one who wants to petition - when in reality they aren't going to "get it all".

That is where legal advice, early, comes into play.

Baz and mvc..only if you don't contest..if your fighting, aparently, that all goes out the window. along witht the sanity. I said the same thing to the one person..and he explained why that did not apply.
My spouse and i had an amicable divorce..and i guess the other type really is ..a hate, kill to the death economically, divorce.

Well clearly if you have the information as to what would happen if the court was needed to rule on it, and the offer made to you is nowhere near that, then you'd contest it.
My missus and I negotiated a settlement (if the court had had to mandate it, it would have gone 47/53 in her favour given our circumstances). I signed off at 40/60 in her favour. The 7 wasn't worth the aggravation.
But, in a moment of idiocy earlier on, she thtreatened to "ruin me", but I knew, and she knew I knew that a court mandated settlement would see no such outcome.

Baz....i basically did what you did..

thanks for the advice, my wife is a control freak and she may just want to grab it all. She has mentioned that she cant afford the house or new place, new car, or much anything else. funny part is that she makes more than me still.

well, exactly.it is that kind of attitude. and so be wary.I think some people never expect that kind of a ruthless response, and so they are totally knocked off their feet. others see a possibility, and others just know that is exactly how it will be. It will be ugly.

I became aware of a recent situation, and just am really stunned at how ruthless it became..And the person involved and dealing with this, has a very mild mannered disposition. i can't imagine that individual comprehending this. He would be way out of his element. It would be very difficult to be able to come to terms with how to legally protect yourself.