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Like Looking Into The Mirror Of My Marriage - Wow - Check Out This Article I Found On Women Who Marry Passive Aggressive Men.

What Kind of Woman Marries The Passive Aggressive Man?
By Cathy Meyer, About.com Guide

It takes a special kind of woman to choose and marry a passive aggressive man. The woman who marries the passive aggressive man was taught in her family of origin to accept a high level of frustration for a minimal level of love and caring. When a woman marries the passive aggressive man she gets little return for all her effort.
What does that mean? How about we use me as an example. When I was a child my father was constantly withdrawing from my mother. He was an alcoholic who found it easier to deal with problems by drinking. His withdrawal frustrated my mother who became resentful at his withdrawal. As an adult it makes sense that I would choose a man who mirrored what I had grown up witnessing.
My ex husband was charming, needy and couldn’t be around me enough. He was every woman’s idea of the perfect man…in the beginning. Never once did I question his lack of relationship with his family. Or the fact that he didn’t have any long-standing friendships.
I was in love with love and this man, from all appearances had a lot of love to give. What I didn’t understand at the time that, due to my childhood, I was conditioned to rescue the needy, to help them, help themselves.
The passive aggressive man or woman’s behavior cycles between hostility and withdrawal. If you become involved with a passive aggressive man within a few months you will come face to face with a man who is either very hostile or shuts down and withdraws. In some cases the passive aggressive man will do both.
I remember the first time my ex withdrew from me. It was while we were still dating. He was unable to form an emotional connection with me but instead of take responsibility for his own inability he behaved as if I was the one with an issue.
I willing took on the responsibility. I made his faults my fault. I convinced myself I was not doing enough to keep him happy. The funny thing is, the harder I worked on the relationship the more he withdrew.
My entire marriage consisted of me trying to find solutions to our problems and him withdrawing further and further away both emotionally and intimately.
A woman married to the passive aggressive man lives daily attempting to connect with her husband. Her attempts to connect threaten him and bring to the surface his fear of attachment, which means more withdrawal. The cycle goes on and on and on!
What happens when someone you love dismisses your efforts and withdraws? You become angry and frustrated. Your attempts to communicate calmly turns into deeper resentment and anger. In response he withdraws a bit more and you both end up not having your needs met.
The passive aggressive husband won’t return his wife’s anger. He will ,get back at her in covert waysthough. He will withhold affection, forget important dates…if it is something she needs, he will make sure she doesn’t get it.
His covert anger drives the wife of the passive aggressive man crazy. The crazier she feels they angrier she becomes and the yelling and screaming becomes a desperate attempt to be heard by a husband who refuses to listen.
The passive aggressive man fears becoming emotionally attached to a woman. Lessons he learned in his childhood taught him that doing so isn’t safe. What happens when the passive aggressive man’s wife becomes angry? His fears are confirmed…she is not safe and he is not safe in the relationship.
The woman who marries the passive aggressive man spends a lot of time hoping for more than her husband is willing to give her. She wants closeness, cooperation, love and attention. She wants actions and behaviors from him that show her he loves her.
By the time my marriage to my passive aggressive husband came to an end I had no self-esteem. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as lonely and the sense of abandonment by my own husband was overwhelming. The loneliness I experienced in my marriage was worse than any I had ever felt as a single woman.
The passive aggressive man sabotages his marriage but it takes that one special woman to enable him to do so. That woman who, in dealing with her own issues is attracted to the walking wounded. That woman who goes above and beyond when it comes to making a relationship work.
And, she will continue to attract passive aggressive men until she realizes that, as an adult woman she has the ability to limit how much damage another person can do to her life. Being loved should never mean turning yourself inside out for anyone. Being loved means knowing when to set boundaries, knowing your own worth and if need be, walking away from a man who does nothing but withdraw and withhold what you desire.
toolatetoapologise toolatetoapologise 51-55, F 7 Responses Nov 20, 2012

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Well that hit a soft spot in my heart. My father is an alcoholic, always drinks and smokes everyday. My mother is a smoker as well.
My father is never really with us, so to me family time is just mother, brother, and me.
My mom has deep depression, I hate seeing her cry. She believes she was meant to be alone for the rest of her life, that no one will love her and all men do is just use you.
My dad withdraws a lot, spends money on unknown items, rather spend time alone.
His parents divorced but his mom never re-married his father did, i think my dad still hates his father for doing so.
I grew up thinking a father Is just a man who comes and goes while a mother is a women who wants to work it out but gets nothing In return.
I feel stupid because most of my relationships the men had a horrible past thanks to their ex and all I wanted to do was fix it. The person I loved had a horrible life I wanted to make that person smile in the end they replaced me.

My husband is not passive aggressive. He is an acoa (son of an alcoholic) and has co-dependent tendencies. This tendency almost destroy me and our marriage.

I could see how this 'sick, enmesh codependent relationship' played out between him and a woman related to his past. How someone who is narcisistic can control and influence another by targeting that person negative emotions/weakness which are:
Fear, toxic shame, guilt, the need for approval,the need to be needed, the need for love etc., I was sucked into the crazymaking and become emotional unstable myself.

The craziness did stop. Although she can control him and was trying to turn him against me, one thing she cannot do is manipulate or control me because I am not a codependent and therefore capable of laying down boundaries.

So, if your H is passive aggresive, most likely you cant change him, unless he himself recognise he has issues. His problem is deep, deep in his psyche, most likely originating from his childhood and family of origin ie his dysfunctional parents.

The only person you can change is yourself Educate youself on codependency so that you become more assertive and able to lay down healthy boundaries in your relationships.

My 2 cents worth.

A marriage takes two. If things go wrong both spouses have problems. A nicely balanced person would have not allowed a passive aggressive to manifest in his/ her most florid appearance. A dependent person would attract such a narcisist. The last paragraph gives the key to solve the issue.
Until a dependent person (like me and many others around) doesn't learn how to cope with her/his dependency need it's very unlikely she/he will avoid the same mistake next time.

As I see it this is a weird type of dependence. There are people who thrive on helping others, on making others feel better no matter the consequences and they enter a vicious circle in which they carry all the burden and let the other withdraw from a relationship. Then the pampered one (if he has narcisistic tendencies) wants more subjugation of the partner until he/she finds the supreme weapon... denying basic human needs (sex, for example) to "the slave". Meanwhile the dependent may wake up and choose EPlike paths or she/he may stay in, head down, thinking she/he got what she/he deserved....

Do you think that co dependency is a part of your life's experience?

It is in mine for sure, and I divorce one PA wife to end up with number 2.

There will not be a number 3!

Yes, codependency here too. We are exactly like the people she describes in the article. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother always ended up with less than she deserved. My husband's mother is a cold hearted biatch, and he learned that it was not safe to show emotion or expect anything from her. But at last, finally, I can see what it is I am dealing with. Knowledge is everything.

Yes knowledge is I feel most important in what we deal with.

I hope you are getting help with your co dependency .

I am working on it with my psychologist and I tell you it is frustrating! One step forward and 3 back! :(

Hang in there!

Thanks. I've been in counselling a few times for my my sadness and unhappiness, but not for co-dependency. You have reminded me that I have an issue there, so thanks, I will give my old friend the therapist a call. LOL Good luck to you, too.

Wow. I recognise that. Which part? Pretty much all of it. Thanks for posting such a useful article. x

That was a terrific read for me

It's a terrific article, thanks for sourcing it.

Slightly off topic, but yet again, the "staying for the kids" position is called into question, as this dysfunction passes on, by example, to the ensuing generation.

Tread your own path.

I hope to God my kids don't end up like him. I like to think I give them enough love, affection, and emotional connection for the both of us.