Current State Of Affairs

I started this in response to a post from a member who was concerned that some of the things that hurt may seem petty. I think it's a built up sensitivity from years and years of rejection. I've found myself doing the same thing, when the incident could have been ignored. Sometimes all it takes is a tone of voice to set me off, because it pokes that tender spot all by itself.
That's bad because it makes your spouse think you are being petty, overly sensitive, or neurotic.
At the same time it reveals that they really cannot grasp how you feel. (If they do, it's of course much worse and could be a personality disorder.)
That's where I am. I reached the end of my psychological rope. I gave up on things ever being better: it's a fantasy. And very self destructive. I am very unhappy. Not in the past like I've just been refused. Not angry or vindictive. Just resolutely disappointed in the "welcome to your life" sense. I can't do anything to change it (Lord knows I have tried). I make no effort to hide it. In fact I have made it very clear.
Since I have ruled out divorce and believe that the various forms of adultery would make me feel even worse it leaves me in a place where passion must be quenched and discouraged. Unfortunately, no one can control the components of love that they feel for another: for me, passion and romance are inextricably intertwined. It requires glacial realignment of my emotions.
My wife has now figured out that things are not good- it's a whole lot more serious than me whining about sex - and is trying to react, but really doesn't know what to do. If she understood how I felt, what I needed, and more than anything, what a huge part sex is (or was) of my love emotions, we could fix this in less than 90 days. But it has to come from her. I've told myself that if she ever puts on some of the lingerie I bought her (which is pretty mild as far as that goes) I will know that she finally broke the code.
Of course the likelihood of that happening is vanishingly close to zero. That's the part I can't understand and probably never will. What I want from her seems to me so easy for her to do if she does, as she says, love me. But I digress.
You can only repeat the same things so many times. You can only hold out hope for so long. After long enough, something breaks. If she wakes up and smells the bacon in a year, I'll have already left the building.
NearlyBroken NearlyBroken
61-65, M
3 Responses Nov 20, 2012

I wish I could give you some insight, as a woman. I ache for you that you have so much love to give and nowhere to put it. I cannot even begin to empathize with her inexplicable position. I so desperately crave that connection, that passion that I still feel so intensely. I feel like I am screaming for my husband's approval ad attention and he is just staring blankly at me in return. I also feel like everyone is starting to be able to see it and sense his bizarre indifference to me. People have to notice that he is constantly out and about without me, they have to see his social networking posts with almost no mention or whisper of me whatsoever. Not only is it a private hell, it's becoming a public humiliation.

I just read ticking time bomb. Our situations are similar, but mine different in that she loves holding hands and all that stuff. Cuddling in bed is fine.... until it's time to roll over and go to sleep. Then it's hands off. Somehow, she doesn't understand why this won't work for me. Yes, read that again. She wants me to be all fuzzy, cuddly, and touchy-feely. Period. Can't do it unless I want to spend 2+ with my eyes and my ahem pointed at the wall.

I meant 2+ hours.

Everyday, when you wake up, the obligation of choice stares you in the face.

And every day, YOU choose your future.

You either choose to again choose what you chose yesterday, or you choose something different.

You don't get a pass. No-one does. Every day, that obligation stares at you. And every day, you choose.

And what you choose, you own.

And, if you don't like the consequences of that previous choice, tomorrow, when you wake up, the obligation of choice will be staring at you, again.

Tread your own path.

You are absolutely right. And I have made a choice, for very real reasons. It may be turn out to be a poor one, but the way I see it, it requires a different kind of endurance than I've run short of. We shall see. Like you say, the choice is mine and it is always available.

Is your wife going through menopause or peri-menopause? She needs to go to the doctor and tell the doctor that it is affecting her sex drive. As far as I know, there is no 'pink pill' for women, but the doctor may prescribe testosterone therapy for her low libido.

She's already gone through it. But the situation has been ongoing for thirty years.