Current State Of AffairsI started this in response to a post from a member who was concerned that some of the things that hurt may seem petty. I think it's a built up sensitivity from years and years of rejection. I've found myself doing the same thing, when the incident could have been ignored. Sometimes all it takes is a tone of voice to set me off, because it pokes that tender spot all by itself.
That's bad because it makes your spouse think you are being petty, overly sensitive, or neurotic.
At the same time it reveals that they really cannot grasp how you feel. (If they do, it's of course much worse and could be a personality disorder.)
That's where I am. I reached the end of my psychological rope. I gave up on things ever being better: it's a fantasy. And very self destructive. I am very unhappy. Not in the past like I've just been refused. Not angry or vindictive. Just resolutely disappointed in the "welcome to your life" sense. I can't do anything to change it (Lord knows I have tried). I make no effort to hide it. In fact I have made it very clear.
Since I have ruled out divorce and believe that the various forms of adultery would make me feel even worse it leaves me in a place where passion must be quenched and discouraged. Unfortunately, no one can control the components of love that they feel for another: for me, passion and romance are inextricably intertwined. It requires glacial realignment of my emotions.
My wife has now figured out that things are not good- it's a whole lot more serious than me whining about sex - and is trying to react, but really doesn't know what to do. If she understood how I felt, what I needed, and more than anything, what a huge part sex is (or was) of my love emotions, we could fix this in less than 90 days. But it has to come from her. I've told myself that if she ever puts on some of the lingerie I bought her (which is pretty mild as far as that goes) I will know that she finally broke the code.
Of course the likelihood of that happening is vanishingly close to zero. That's the part I can't understand and probably never will. What I want from her seems to me so easy for her to do if she does, as she says, love me. But I digress.
You can only repeat the same things so many times. You can only hold out hope for so long. After long enough, something breaks. If she wakes up and smells the bacon in a year, I'll have already left the building.