I'm Supposed To Put Up With This?

Like a lot of people here I live in a nearly sexless marriage. My wife has given up on any kind of sexlife with me. She doesn't even try anymore and it's not as though I am repulsive, in fact I am in very good shape and rarely do I hear any kind of positive affirmation. I think my wellness makes her feel guilty for her complete un-wellness. I would like to find a FWB if for nothing else than to hear someone say they find me attractive and they like my body. I get none of that right now.

However the guilt would be difficult for me to deal with, I truly don't think I would be able to perform. Anxiety and guilt over cheating would keep me awake at night. I wish that was not the case but I suppose its for the best. The ache I feel sometimes is crushing, but I have gotten really into fitness (running, gym eating right) and this really helps distract me.

Hell will freeze over before I will leave my two kids behind so thats not an option.

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9 Responses Nov 21, 2012

I think about taking a lover all the time... someone who would just be nice to me, affectionate, make me feel desirable and help me reconnect with human touch again. My husband stopped having sex nearly 3 years ago now, save for a few short-lived attempts to turn things around. It's devastating how detached you become and how lonely you can feel when you're less than 2 feet away from the person you love and want to spend your life with. I keep telling him that if this continues, he leaves me no choice but to look outside our marriage for sexual camaraderie. I'm blatantly honest with him, always, and I don't want to do that, but I did not make the choice to be celibate for the rest of my life and it's unfair that he's made that decision for me. The thing is, for me, it's easier said than done. After 3 years of rejection, my self-esteem is at an all-time low, and when you add in the fact that we've been together for nearly 12 years, and I was never unfaithful in all that time, no one else has seen me naked or touched me in nearly 12 years and it's somewhat intimidating to think about. And I can't imagine where I'd find the time. I work, my daughter is in school, then evenings are about homework, dinner, bath, time together and then she's in bed and I usually have more work to do. When am I going to fit a sexual rendezvous into my already overly crowded schedule? Ugh. It would just be so much easier if he'd come back to me... but I don't really see that happening.

Anyway, you could try Ashley Madison. It's a site for married people looking to have affairs, it's discreet and confidential. That's where I've been looking. I keep taking steps in that direction, but I haven't been able to see it through to the end just yet... but I'm pretty sure that if things don't change in my house, by this time next year I will have done it. I just don't think I can go another year without physical affection. I'm already so lonely and sad I can barely get out of bed in the morning.

Correction she has no sex drive for you. Keep reading up here you will find plenty of stories where it was stated that partners had no sex drive only to find out that they did just not with the refused.

As for not leaving your kids good for you, but have you ever seeked legal advice and clarified your position.

You mention your wife has health problems. Are they enough for you to win custody? Find out knowledge is power.

As for the affair scenario you are not a douche. Just get legal advice on how it will affect you before finding a friend with benefits becuase if your wife ever found out her reaction is likely to be volcanic.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I've been the woman with cancer whom my ex husband felt his needs not met while I was battling for my life. He asked for divorce 6 month after. Guess i was damaged goods. But don't feel guilty because since he had the courage to ask for it I've been the happiest. Why would I want a man who can't see what I've been through. I'm just saying that perhaps your thinking that shed be devastated may be wrong and may be a blessing for her as it was for me. I have a healthy sexual drive and fell madly in love again with someone despite not working out. Give yourselves a second chance. If through counseling things can't get resolved then divorce. Don't let guilt stop u because perhaps subconsciously she wants it too but doesn't have the courage. But before then do try through counseling and give this a fitting chance. He didn't his loss my gain.

Don't think yourself as a douche, I'm just saying that perhaps guilt can stop you both from being truly happy without having to resort to those means. Hormone do mess u up. How long since her cancer. I say that because I told my ex to be patient that it took a year for things to normalize. He didn't care but sure enough they did. But my situation didn't involve kids.
It's a real dilemma but I hope it can be resolved without the deceit.

There have to be support groups and medical professionals who deal with female sexual desire after cancer---she is not the only woman in the world in this position, unfortunately. Is she trying to find a solution? Or has she given up? It sounds like she may also be depressed, which is understandable. Is she unhealthy because of the cancer, or because she doesn't take care of herself?

That said, your needs are JUST as important as hers. You deserve to be with a partner who respects you and tries to find a way to meet your needs.

I'm of the opinion that an affair should be the last resort, particularly if you have children. The thing is, people find out, if not at the time then eventually. Both my parents are very discreet people but over the years I learned every deep dark secret they tried to keep---if not from them then through other family members or by chance. Consider how your children might lose respect for you for cheating on their mother---particularly after she had cancer. This could scar them for life, way worse than a divorce.

I balance out the running and gym by eating cholocate chips and whatever is in the kid's hallowe'en candy bag that they won't miss. Why don't you try that. Happy to help.

(Note: I can give you more advice, but you don't seem to want it, so that' all I got right now for ya).

"chocolate", not "cholocate", although that sounds interesting too, and vaguely Mayan, like Mole sauce.

You kinda wrote my story.

Mine too. I would feel too guilty being with someone else, and yes, hell would freeze over before I risk losing my kids (I know he would fight).

Hugs you tonight im sorry you need to feel something.. i am sure there are many men in the group that can relate to you .. be strong you are a wonderful person dont ever forget it..
The woman in your life does not MAKE YOU >>... just remember . what you love about YOU >.

As with many things in a relationship, it takes two.

And given that, have you considered the possibility that she may divorce you?

Thing is, life is unpredictable and not under your control, and particularly not under your rational control. And you may find that, for all your "good" intentions, your wonderful mind and emotions will take over, to look after you where it matters, when you're desperate, and you may find yourself doing many things that you currently claim you won't.

You have torpedoed two of the three options out of hand.

That leaves you with one, and that's the one you have already chosen. Staying.

You have quite a bit of experience in living in a sexless marriage, so you don't need to research that choice too much more, but you do need to look at those other two options far more objectively than you have so far, and to do that, you need information.

The critical information you need is from a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically pan out for a guy in your circumstances. Particularly in regard to custody, visitation matters and suchlike with your kids. From that information, you could make a fully informed choice. The information possibly would not change your position on this issue, but it might.

This legal information could also be invaluable if you did try a version of cheating. As a novice cheater you are at higher risk of getting caught, and likely precipitating a quick and angry spousal response. So you'd not be caught like a deer in the headlights should that scenario happen.

Thirdly, you are only ever one part of a potential divorce. Your missus has equal voting rights. She may have her own plans for her future mapped out, and you might not be in that picture. Knowing how a divorce would shake out, theoretically, for a dude in your circumstances would prevent you being blindsided.

Before you arc up about this, note well. I did NOT say "get a divorce". What I DID say, is make an informed choice.

Tread your own path.