Just Showing Off For Friends...

I think there are many men who are wondering if you are with their wife. Like yours mine seems to need to give others the illusion we have an active sex life. Somewhere inside I believe is the understanding that she knows we should be doing this, perhaps when that too goes there will be no sex rather than rare sex.

You are not alone although it will feel that way because nobody wants to talk about it. Nobody wants to rock the boat especially when the situation involves kids. (I could never bring myself to leave mine.) Surprisingly, friends are not interested either. They might feel obliged to disclose to you their own sad plight. You can try talking to the wife but it didn’t do any good in my case. Living through the 60s the pundits told us The Pill removed a woman’s fear. 'The Free Love revolution' is here! Nobody I knew said, ‘Oh, no, it isn’t! Sex still doesn’t do much for me.’ More hype! Your mates would tell you, ‘Women want it as much as men.’ It was just their sexual anxiety talking. It took me till middle-age to accept that a large number of people don’t like sex. Now I have at least half a dozen friends who are happily celibate. They don’t talk about it either, but you know when your friends are in a relationship. What can you do about it? Nothing, as far as I can see. You can’t avoid it. Many single girls just pretend they like it. Respectable women don’t ‘go’ with a married man. You’ll just get a bad name if you try. Prostitutes are one answer providing you have the money and don’t get off on giving a woman pleasure. Counselling might help. At least you’ll find someone to talk about it. That’s if the wife will seek counselling with you. Otherwise it’s the biggest social, conspiracy of silence there is.

I think status, reputation and self-justification are very important for refusers. My wife has a strong view that sex is important in a marriage, and that pretence is important in a social context. And the status object of a happy, "normal" marriage with a compliant husband.... Refusers are rarely obtuse and know very well that sex is important. But she could self-justify (when we had ridiculously rare sex) - that we were a sexual couple, maybe not as much as he wanted but men always want more than they're getting .... blah.

Which I blew out of the water when I stopped having sex with her and "came out" about it in real life. That's when she knew for sure the game was up.

Dear MrSoCal,
What you described is a classic symptom/example of what people go through when they are in a sexless marriage.

As with anything, one must fix the root cause and not just place a band aide over a wound and say everything is better.

I wish your wife and you good luck when the both of you sit down to discuss and determine what all of the reasons are that have caused these issues to develop between the two of you.

I lived in a sexless marriage for 16 plus years and unfortunately our marriage ended in divorce. My ex and I never really discussed what and why regarding our issues, so our marriage didn't survive.

Again, I wish you the best of luck.

I was at a party this summer with my husband and a bunch of his shipmates. Someone wanted a photo of us together, so he grabbed me and pulled me down onto his lap. I really wanted to deck him, since he would NEVER do that at home. Not that I want him to anymore, anyway.

A refused spouse is pretty much as you say - an object to be brought out when needed, and ignored when not.

Whereas refusers engage in refusive behaviour with an aim of keeping the spouse at a managable distance, they (and you) habitually underestimate the power of refusive behaviour. Continued unchecked, it will drive the refused spouse out the door - which is NOT what the refuser wants. They want you around as chauffer, cash source, kid minder, social accessory, other reason (known or unknown).

A really good refuser will temper this refusive behaviour with a bit of re-set sex now and again, but a lot of refusives are so dumb they just go with the refusive behaviour with no clue as to the end result they are going to bring down on themselves.

And, as long as you stay, they - rightly - figure that you are ok with it too.

Tread your own path.

OMG! When did you meet my ex-wife? Were there a pile of books next to her bed and a fortress of pillows between you? And the 364 day a year bladder infection...

I think she is really over you. She might be seeing someone else, she might not be, and just doesn't like you any more.

Either way you have a choice to make. You can either keep on tolerating this behavour and the emotional toll it has taken on your life, or you can get smart visit a lawyer find out your rights and make it clear that unless she is willing to act like a married partner should, you will be reconsidering the marriage along with any support you might be currently providing financial, emotional, whatever.

You do have choices here and it does sound like she has emotionally checked out of the marriage.

If i were you i would discreetly start looking into the possibillity that she might be having an affair.

Stay Strong & Good Luck