My Sexless Story

I've been living in a sexless marriage on and off for 8 yrs. We get into a good sex groove and then a 2-4 months sex drought. It drives me insane at times. I 've tried everything, being romantic, talking, reading books, group sex (that was some of the best times in my life), etc. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. She has no interest at all in sex. Only time she is interested is if we are doing something with a mutual group or if she has been drinking. When I bring it up she tells me that she has too much on her mind to even begin to think about pleasing her man, or anything. She plays games on her phone, looks up cooking recipes, reads book, and goes to sleep. I try and I get rejected time and time again. The last time we had sex was the first week in October 2012. I took her to a show in November 2012 out of state. We stayed at a nice hotel, she took a relaxing bubble bath, slept naked and fell asleep. The next morning she asked me about having sex, I told her get on top, she told me she was to tired to do all that. Let's just make it a quickie. Was I worth her trying to please me. I'm tired of the missionary postitions, its nice and all but I'm doing all the work. I told her I'm all set we can just get breakfast. This is the story of my life, a constant sexual let down.

I have a friend that I talk to and that helps. She is in the same boat with her husband. I feel so alone sometimes. Its not fair. We have no connection when it comes to intimacy. We are two adults co-parenting in the same household. I hold so much resentment towards her and she has no idea. I have two kids and would never think of leaving them, but I'm growing frustrated by the day. Sharing a life with someone that has no desire for you is a sad feeling. I am dying inside for her affection, her love, her warmth, her body. I miss her so much even though we sleep on opposite sides of the bed.

I'm tired of living this way. I've decided to see a therapist about this situation. I'm not going to mention it to her. I know she would want to come, but I don't want to hear all the bullshit excuses. I need help accepting that this will be my life if I decide to stay with her. I need to know how to lose all this built up anger and just live my life. I think an open relationship is the only option if i choose to stay. If not I will end up resenting this woman for the rest of my life.

11 Responses Nov 22, 2012

I think if you want something special, you gotta give something special. I think a show and a nice hotel is very nice. That would make me love my husband more not get on my knees and please him. If my husband went down on me and took his time very slowly to turn me on. it would be very hard for me not to get in the mood. You have to alternate between tongue and fingers. pay attention to her breathing and body movements. Don't let her climax and don't let her cool off. The longer you are able to keep her in the aroused state without climaxing, the longer her brain is going to enjoy more sexual acts. You have to tell her how good she looks and how much you want her even during the day when you are not about to have sex.
Life, child birth, and raising kids are all things that could kill your sex drive. It happened to me. we also trained ourselves to have quickies because we were always at risk of a child climbing into bed with us in the middle of the night. So we'd both finish really fast with no foreplay or romance. And even when we had the house to ourselves, we couldn't have normal sex. I eventually became very sexually active again, maybe more than our 20s. It took a lot of getting to know myself and learning about female ******* to create exciting sex for my self. Rejections can make you feel like you don't want to be brave and try new stuff. Just keep trying something different. It is also possible that the same way you were having sex before does not feel good to her any more. Our bodies can change with pregnancies. Missionary position works for most woman because of the location of Gspot. If she is very aroused by oral sex, she will be a lot more sensitive all over. Exercising regularly helps with your sex drive, too.

Honestly I'm a female and I feel for you. Sometimes women don't understand is that men and women have needs and if they don't satisfy each others needs it could drive them to have an affair.You honestly need to talk to her and maybe even see a sex therapist.

You need to see a sex therapist together ;D

I live in the same type of marriage but the sex is not as often as you, it can be a year or more. I have tried everything, as a matter of fact I can't think of anything I haven't tried. Therapy was useless. I really believe some woman just completely lose interest in sex. We have 4 children, we get along well, but just don't have sex anymore 3 times in 30 months. It drives me insane but what can you do? I would love to have a sexual relationship

Lovingly talk to her. Ask her what her dream is for marriage with you? Share your dream without making her feel guilty about anything. Does she still want what you want. Where do you need to change? Where does she need to change? Together, you can find mutual happiness.

If she wants to be a hotter wife to you maybe she will join therapy. If not, you know where you stand on this subject. If she did go to therapy, be careful about shutting her down by reducing everything to her "bull **** excuses".

There is great hope for your marriage and hot monogamy. I have been a pastor for over three decades and I have seen hot wives and husbands born out of honest and tender interaction with help others when needed.

*others help

Therapy is worth a try if you believe she would want to go. That indicates she is at least mildly aware there is a problem. What is the worst that can happen? You already know what the worst is, should you opt not to try. Maybe there's a chance.

Therapy is worth a try if you believe she would want to go. That indicates she is at least mildly aware there is a problem. What is the worst that can happen? You already know what the worst is, should you opt not to try. Maybe there's a chance.

I whole-heartedly endorse your decision to attend therapy. But I challenge this statement:
"I need help accepting that this will be my life if I decide to stay with her."

Therapy is essentially about uncovering YOUR truth. It is not helpful to attend therapy if you mandate the outcome in advance (ie. staying with her without anger.) When people mandate the outcome of therapy in advance, it is very UNlikely to be achieved - no matter how much you may WANT to achieve it.

Far better IMO to go to therapy with an open mind. Be honest and truthful with your therapist. And let the cards fall where they may . . .

You are VERY young to be in such a situation and it seems to me most unwise for you to CHOOSE a dysfunctional marriage at your stage of life. You can confidently expect 50 to 60 more years of life. Do you honestly think you can tolerate this life for that long??

Your decision to outsource or have an open marriage is most likely a one way ticket to a divorce - instigated by your wife! Wouldn't it be better in every way to deal honestly with the situation you have? See a lawyer, find out about how a divorce would work for you both, make an Exit Plan and put it into practice. Then, once you are again a free agent, seek any new type of relationship you desire . . . . .

(My capitals here) quoting you - "I miss HER affection, HER love, HER warmth, HER body"

So how would you figure that cheating is going to solve that core problem ??

If you were saying - "I miss affection, warmth, love, body" that would be a different matter entirely but you have sheeted home the attributes you desire to HER and HER alone.

Your marriage - as you describe it - does not appear to have the underlying stablity of honest communication skills to provide the solid base required to make an open relationship a goer. (Read up on member mvcmvc about this option).

Tread your own path.

I feel your pain. I have been going thru the same with my h for 20 years. I don't ever want to leave him but I want him to feel for me the way I feel for him. Like u we seem to only get together with groups then I only seem to have sex with him when we've been drinking which although nice is usually not as good. We've gone months in between. It's so frustrating.

Do you think after 20 yrs he can change? I think we are living a lie by staying and putting up with lack of intimacy and love.

I know how u feel cuz I am in a sexless marriage to and it hurts like hell but I cant do anything about it He says he loves me one minute then the next cursing at me for No Reason I cry alot can u give me some advice please I need a friend

Sounds like you already resent her. Given your age group you possibly have another 60 years of life and this misery if you choose to stay with her.

Wouldn't it be wiser to seek legal advice find out your rights and start to prepare an exit plan.

Once you have found out your legal facts sit her down, have an open and honest talk of what you expect and how UNFULLFILLED you are and if she doesn't come to the party than exercise your plan.

Just something to ponder.

Stay Strong & Good Luck