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Newbie- Lonely In Totally Non-initmate Marriage

Hi, this is my first time writing this down or posting in public, so please bear with me. I'm 35 and haven't had any kind of intimacy with my husband in over 2.5 years- before that was 8 months and before that over 12 months- get the idea. I know times because we are fortunate in that I semi charted fertile times of cycle n those 3 times resulted in 3 pregnancies. But without wanting to sound selfish or offensive I was bit disappointed to be blessed so quickly! lol
We've been together 6.5 yrs married 4.5. I know it's early doors compared to some people but to be able to count number of times your husband has ever had close to sex with you in near 7 years, on 2 hands- then it makes me sad for our future :(
I've brought topic up- a lot at start, then not for a while so as not to upset him, and now every 2 mths or so. We had a good chat towards start of the year and he said would make an effort to sort his demons. But now almost another year has passed.
I know it' not a matter of having an affair, some days I am in that mood, but ultimately its more than act of sex, it's fact he chose me to marry but can't be bothered with me in real life- but what do I do? It's been so long and I am feeling myself switch from 'in love' to 'friend love' :(

PS we have 2 daughters aged almost 2 and 4 x
LadyBrett LadyBrett 31-35 8 Responses Nov 24, 2012

Your Response


LadyB, most if not all of your dilemmas have been answered here on ILIASM many times. That is why you are encouraged to read widely here. You will find information in the stories and comments, in the forum posts, that apply to you.

May I suggest you read a new story called "Thanks"? You will see exactly what I mean about learning from this site. . . . .

Like (almost) all of us when we first get here to ILIASM you are still hoping for a "miracle" cure. Sadly there simply are NO magic bullets.

Thank you all for your answes and advice. I should have mentioned that we were engaged and I fell pregnant so we brought wedding forward- the other 2 were planned though unfornately we lost our middle child.I would say that I always thought things would pick up, was just a phase, tired with small children about- the usual excuses I'm sure. But I have come to realise that there is more to it than these things and I guess it is confusing and hurtful to me that my husband won't try to get to the bottom of his behaviour.Perhaps I am an enabler in that I've let him carry on like this, but I don't want to push him too ar- if there is an underlying problem I don't see that pushing and pushing will help. I love him very much and leaving our marriage would be only if things really couldn't be made better. We're both from broken homes and would hate so much to have our girls go through that.I just don't know what steps to take next and I don't really know how I feel to be honest. I sometimes think I'm selfish for wanting more, as he is a lovely kind, hard-working and generous man and there are people in much worse situations. Then other times I think wanting to be close and initimate with your partner is such a natural instinct and a basic need really :(

I think you are 100% right: pushing and pushing will not help. You will merely transform, in his perception, into the 'nagging wife'. Which in turn will push him away from you. Not.Going.To.Work.
There is only one thing that you can reasonably do: you can lay out to him how you feel: lonely, sad, unfulfilled, longing for affection, touch, little gestures in passing. Intimate talks about 'what's up' in the other person's inner thoughts and feelings' -- whatever floats your boat. And you can tell him that not getting these things makes you so desperately unhappy that you do not think you can stand for this to go on forever.

That is all you can do. After that, the ball is in his court. And, after a reasonable time, you will have to decide if he's trying to come to the party, or if he's blown you off for good ....

If he hasn't got it in him to give, he never will. If he is not willing to examine himself and, if needful, get help - then he never will. The ball will be in your court.

Ultimately, that's what it boils down to. If the threat of you walking away does not impell him to take steps, then in the end you will have to make the consequences stick or live on miserably - sorry to say.

I was lucky, I got mine 80% fixed, and I know I'll never see that other 20%, not with this woman. {sigh} Can't ask fish to take wing and soar into the clouds.

... Praying and sexless marriages... Let me tell you about it! My H and me have been together for 8 yrs before getting married, years of long breakups and getting-backs with several marriage proposals from him. The year before we got married many things happened in my life and I have asked for a final break up. But he made huge efforts to surprise me and I turned back to him. Soon thereafter he asked me again to marry him. Exhausted with all this back and forth I went to a church and prayed to God to give me the wisdom to take the best answer. A week later I found out I was pregnant (after supposed condom use). I thought that was the answer and .... here I am... on EP.

A belief in God gives the strength to fight for one's wellbeing, a belief in God gives you patience to think for yourself but it's you, the one who has to think and fight for the best way.

Sorry to see you here, Ms. Brett.

"You had a good chat at the beginning of the year" .... uh oh. That is a looooong time for it to be a noteworthy event. A very long drought. I would hazard a guess that there are more things wrong in your marriage than you realize at this point. That is not normal for a good working relationship.

"he said he would make an effort ... but now almost another year has passed". Um, yes. Once again, I fear things are somewhat worse than you suspect. That is not the way of somebody who is willing to invest effort in to the relationship.

In the language of this group, and going on what you said in your response to Bazz: you are an "enabler". Your boundaries are soft, and so your DH feels no stimulus to actually let action follow the words.

This place can be a bit 'tough love' at times, people will challenge your thinking and put forward different views. Nobody will attack you, (except we have a couple of trolls here at the moment who wandered in and started insulting people, but they will hopefully go back and live under their bridge and molest billy goats instead, some time soon) and there is never much value in being defensive, other than that some people will just give up trying to help.
I suggest you look around. Read the stories of people who catch your attention in this group. It was a bit of an eye opener for me back in '09 - to see all the similarities here and there, to see how people deal with things and what does and doesn't work.

best, -P.

I'm not sure if there are other issues in our marriage but those could be famous last words! Aside from this side of things, life is pretty good I think.
Thanks for the tips re the site- I did get a bit defensive as I feel a bit guilty and nervous posting even though its anonymous :) But I am open to suggestions and advice honestly!

LadyBrett, it might seem harsh to you but the reality is that your desire (and presumably your husband's desire also) for children over-ruled your recognition that your marriage was heading for dysfunction BEFORE you had kids.

Being married does not in and of itself "entitle" you to a family. Your eldest child is four and you say yourself you can count the number of times you had sex in seven years on two hands. So your seriously depleted sex life was clearly in evidence before the children were a factor.

So why do I challenge you? Because you understood BEFORE you had children that your marriage was not in a good place. Now you may well have been like many of us - in denial about what the lack of sex meant. And you may even have thought that having children would "fix" your problems - altho it never, ever does!!

Now you are faced with the fact that things are NOT getting better. Your own reactions clearly indicate that you are finding your situation increasingly less tolerable. Your feelings for your spouse are moving from love to friendship - or room-mate status.
At your age and stage of life, it is highly unlikely that you can or should remain in such a dysfunctional relationship. That will, at some point, mean separation and divorce.

Do you see now why you choosing to bring children into your marriage is a factor for regret at this point? You have two wonderful children and you would not be without them. But their existence DOES complicate your marriage problems exponentially. . . . .

You are welcome here - but you will need to be open to honest assessments of your situation. This forum has much of value to offer people in your situation - which is OUR situation too (or was). But the honesty can be confronting and hard to accept. If you can hear the points made without reacting defensively or angrily, you WILL gain a great deal from being here.

If you are just looking for sympathy, you will only find a limited amount here. We are all members of the school of Sexless Marriage. Our knowledge is hard won and has only occurred through living with and dealing with the pain ourselves. So, whilst we understand and sympathise with you, we also expect you to "do the hard yards" just as we have done - or are doing.

Almost everyone here has made HEAPS of mistakes - that is why you should not take honest comments as personal insults. We all know that much of our own thinking was faulty and resulted in errors in decision making about our marriages. I was one of the many who were in complete denial about the effect that being in an SM had on me for YEARS!! It took being on this website (and intensive therapy) for me to recognise and understand the part I played in my dynamic. . . .

Wisdom is a hard won thing. And it takes self awareness, reflection and humility. A Sexless Marriage is a painful crucible in which to develop wisdom - if I could, I would spare you (and everyone else) the pain of this experience. But if you learn about SM from this forum and develop your own self knowledge, you can make informed choices about your future.

Read and read the stories here LadyBrett. You will see different approaches and results in each one of our will get words of wisdom from most of them and some LOL from others. All valid. It has helped me a lot.

Tale care my friend.

Umm its a difficult how was he before marriage then u can compare..for now if u r a religiouse person either christian or muslim or hindu etc i will say just pray that tins changes one day soon. Bt u hav to assit him in this ie dress and look sexy hair,mk up pergumes etc....i hope this was helpfull

we're both irish catholic though not devout. He was brought up in care but always with contact with his mum n brothers. I appreciate that would have an affect, and I tried tht line by encouraging oldest bro to have a 'chat' (but without full details) and they did but after few days, was like before and dude won't seek any help :(

I know your response is well intended lisq, but prayer is notoriously unreliable as an agent for "fixing" sexless marriages.

I question the wisdom in having brought kids into a dysfunctional situation like this, but there you go, they're a fact now. A complicating fact for what probably lies ahead of you.

The tone of your story does NOT indicate that this is a dealbreaker for you, yet.

Might be best to read extensively here, to get a handle on what you are dealing with.

Tread your own path.

Bazzar - You question the wisdom in bringing kids into our 'situation'-we were engarded and married when had children and there is no lack of love in our home or family- just intimacy since concieving our daughter who almost 2
1newcardinal thank you,I know there is no quick fix. I know some days I ould moan fo pages and other days want to wrap dude in cotton wooln kick *** of anyone who slights him lol
unless I've got this wrong, I thought this could be a place to listen, seek help, give help and generally feel less alone

I apologise for bad spelling- it's a bug bear of mine. I blame the cold