Looking For Something I Cannot Find.

I have been in a sexless marriage for maybe 15 years. My husband is unable or simply doesn't want to make love to me. He has given me many reasons over the years we have been married. I believed him for many, then I stopped believing.
I had a life changing event. Major surgery, or maybe just a mid life crisis. I had lived without affection for years. We have had separate rooms for years.
Something happened, I lost weight, started looking after myself, started to feel intense anger and realised I had been depressed for years.
I answered an ad, I met an incredible man. I knew it was a short term affair, he left and to get over the pain, I found a new lover. Then once again, this ended.
I think my husband knows. I no longer ask him for affection. I am distant, as distant as he has been. I have become detached.
However, I have fallen in love and after each affair ended, have sought another.
I eventually told my Husband I was looking for affection and he agreed to open our marriage, He says he has no desire to make love and is happy for me to find what I need outside our marriage.
But I think I have destroyed something inside me. Each time I acted in good faith, I was looking for affection, only finding myself making love to yet another player. A player who could never begin to fill the gaping hole inside my soul, a yearning for something which could make me feel good, but only created sadness. I was on the brink of becoming a "player", something which horrified me.
I am not asking for approval. I am not asking for forgiveness. My sexless marriage destroyed my self esteem to the point where I have arrived. I am wondering if I am the only one in this forum who hit the self destruct button to my extent before they found the courage to leave?
I want to hold my head up high. My days of affairs are now over. I miss the excitement, but not the deep sadness knowing the affair was never going to give me what I was looking for.
I am in therapy. I am untangling. I am in pain. I am leaving my husband.
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14 Responses Nov 25, 2012

I do not think you are so silly. You have lived and you have loved - and grown.

You have learned some very valuable truths in the only way that there is to truly know - one that once having an affair, it is hard to stop. Two they are nothing but a pacing game that solve nothing. Three you feel as much pain as pleasure for a net sum zero as more or less the best case scenario. Many are less.

You own your choices and there were great parts to them as well as great pain. But your choices have put you on a path to a place you desire to be and that place is not an open M or o f "don't ask don't tell" or sneaking around.

I read a story to be proud of. Good luck going forward. Welcome to the board.

What we feel we have sone wrong is not the problem. It is only a problem if you do not grow from your pain.

You have done that.

Your doing the right thing.

Hank in there!

bless your heart...and good for you in realizing that you have acted badly...remember 1 thing...what you have to offer is very special and unique to you...make sure that the men in your future have to earn the right...then when you have met that special someone...give in to him...and give it to him better than he has ever had it before...good luck

honey i would have dont the same as you did its understand able wanting someone to make love with to cuddle with i am happy that you found someone else

"...who could never begin to fill the gaping hole inside my soul, a yearning for something which could make me feel good, but only created sadness."

This is EXACTLY what so many are willing to ignore.

Don't let anyone judge you. It's a journey, it's a process, it's a search, for answers, for validation, for some sense. What you did was understandable, and I don't think we need to explain things to you; you are figuring them out. I believe what you were searching for...was intimacy. Sadly, I don't think your current path will lead you there. I do tend to believe that there are guys out there that will recognize your desperation and take advantage of the opportunity. Nobody can decide what's right for you, but most here either are going or have gone thru the same thing. I hope you can work it out.

Perhaps it is time to part ways with your roomate. Whilst he is still in your life even as roomate you can not begin the healing process you so desperately need.

Have you visited a lawyer? I would suggest if you havent you do so than start planning your exit strategy.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Take some time to sit with your pain and process all of this. Just considering that you have come from a space of reacting because of the dysfunction in your marriage, I believe it is important to give oneself time and space to untangle the knot of thoughts and feelings. Time to look inward, to heal. If your cup is already filled, you cannot fill it with something new. It needs to be emptied of the dregs first.

Good for you! A horrible way to arrive at the conclusion that you deserve happiness and that you deserve a form of love that you're willing to give, but better now, in spite of the painful path you've had to walk, then never.

The true failing comes at the end of life realizing all the 'could have's of what you truly wanted but never had the courage to grasp. It's never too late - again, horrible trail, but so glad you'll soon at least have the opportunity to see some sunshine!

In a dysfunctional marriage, your thinking gets distorted and you start thinking weird ****, and making uninformed choices.

If, at some point, the fog lifts a bit, you go "why" chasing. Or therapy. Or cheating. Or "all of the above" just to cope.

Sooner or later (usually later) when the dysfunctional marriage reaches dealbreaker status, you leave.

Hell of a trip you've been on sister "Silly" (change the name huh). But the rest of your journey will be all the better for the experiences you have had so far.

Tread your own path.

We all need to remember.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I doubt whether you really did anything as melodramatic as pressing the self-destruct button, even if it feels that way. When you reflect on it considering how difficult it seems to maintain an appropriate equilibrium in what you always assumed was something as relatively straight-forward as a marriage when you get into the FWB/lover/ partner substitute scenario where you both bring your additional personal complications into the mix, things are going to seem well-nigh impossible. Sure, there are plenty of players out there who you have to guard yourself against but there are a lot of confused, uncertain people just like yourself who just don't know for certain what they should be doing next, need to do next, want to do next. Do what you have got to do today and do what you have got to do tomorrow, tomorrow. In other words, just keep it as simple as is feasible for you without berating yourself on top of it all. Learn to forgive yourself first.

You're not alone. Keep reading here.
Oh, and I can't help but encourage you to change your logon name to something more positive and future-oriented.

If this is SWFS's husband; your callousness is beyond words.

I totally get this. I believe that the sexlessness between my husband and myself has driven me to behaviors that I would never have imagined. It is such a shame that they do not see this. I left my husband as I just cannot continue this void in my life. I hate it for my children but my husband did nothing to help in the situation.

you are not alone.... i know where you coming from as i ahve been on this path .... it is an unhealthy way to deal wiht the issues i had - but it served the purpose and i got my self esteem back ( it is sad i know) but this was / is the only thing that keeps me out of deep dark deprecion.... im not sure waht is more distractive - fatherless children, broken home or a little of guilt adn questionable choises on my part that only i have to deal wiht .... i personally will take a hit on this one to save stress for my kids.....

it makes more sense then i would like to ;) .... some times you need your heart to feel pain in order to feel alive... also i wish i would not have done some things i did... cos it can and does get out of controll a bit .... I know deep down i had a reason my own reason to do each and single mistake that i did.... Dont doubt our self... just learn from it...