Happy And Poor Or Unhappy And Comfortable

Well the reason im asking cos Im really afraid that if I end my sexless marrrage - i can''t give my kids all they deserve… and I would otherwise be able to provide staying in marrage… on the other hands if I move from this personal miss I will be happy with the man who loves me and cares but I will not be able to provide as much for my kids ….. I am so pessimistic that I am almost convinced that happiness does not last forever and one day even happy relationship will turn in to a nightmare….
Angel802212 Angel802212
31-35, F
12 Responses Nov 25, 2012

There is a rationale behind a psychological concept or diagnosis called "Catastrophic Thinking" In essence it suggests that you allow your mind to project forward into a long term future where you you see nothing other than your own doom as you see an amalgamation of potential negative outcomes, that you imagine you have no time or opportunity to influence, eventually completely overwhelm you and destroy you. It can be the stuff suicide is made of. The alternative reality that you are offered, by way of therapy or self-therapy, is the notion that you do actually have both the time and opportunity to influence and deal with those potential negative factors and largely determine for yourself your own long-term future.

I see no good reason why such a scenario cannot effectively be turned on it's head in your case. Sure, tomorrow isn't looking especially rosy and your analysis of it is probably pretty well valid and warranted. But will that still be the scenario 5, 10 or 15 years from now? Should you allow those cards to just fall the way they will or are you going to put thought and effort into influencing longer-term events in you favour?

The real challenge, of course, in both scenarios, is to take the positive theory and turn it into a positive reality. How do you think you might imagine that alternative future for yourself and how might you go about bringing it to reality?

Children deserve a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, clothes to wear and an education. Nowhere is it written that any of these needs a "five star" rating!!

MUCH more important for children IMO are love, security, responsible parents, parents setting good examples for them to model their own lives on and heaps of FUN! These things come without money being a primary consideration.

Unless you would be totally destitute, it would be wise to consider that money is not the only concern here. And surely your husband will treat his children well, even if you ARE divorced?? Ok! I know that sometimes does NOT happen, but good co-parenting where the children suffer as little as possible is a fine aim for any divorced couple.

I wish you well in your decision making.

Your children need a example of a healthy relationship more so than your fears.

They will learn from the both of you that to show affection is not normal.

They will grow up explore sex and love it, get married and then will become a dysfunctional parent teaching wht his parents probably taught him.

Your next meal will be there regardless what choices you make.

A minister of all people should have some compassion for your needs.

Tough deal you have, my sis in law had to divorce the minister and she did fine.

Of course no kids made ot easier for her but you can do this.

Turn to your h and make solid efforts to fix this even if it takes therapy and if its not working you will by then have the strength to make hard choices.

Welcome here and wish you luck.

Just a thought...

If a woman (or man) marries for money she is classed a 'gold digger'. I.e. Not being in a relationship for love. Calculating, devious, etc.

If a woman (or man) 'stays' for money what does that make her/him?

Just challenging some moral thoughts on this one I suppose.

Even more dubious is the line that, to have sex in a marriage when you don't want to would make you a prostitute. But that mindset actually betrays something worse, that you're rolling the John as well!

...and by staying, you are setting an example that physical possessions are a higher priority than emotional health.
Think about it...

My problem exactly. I'm not sure I would even be happy if I left. My H would fight for the children, and me only substitute teaching with no regular employment could be used against me. He could lose his job as a pastor if I leave, then NONE of us eat. It does look like we're headed to therapy though.

You need legal advice Pam, You need it bad. You appear frightened by things that may not be factual.

Poor and happy :), however my case may be different from yours.
I don`t ask for much, probably just a marriage so my partner has to be simple on the terms.
Money, you can always earn them back!

If you were happy, it's my bet that you'd be more productive and do better in work. Let's say that translated into a 5% hike in earnings for the rest of your life. Might pretty soon pay off the costs of a divorce, no?

Seen a lawyer ??
Done the sums ??

Tread your own path.

Just to put things in a bit of perspective ... Diverse cost a lot and all assets you accumulated will be decided the slur of assets in this gfc is low ... So basically after one finds happiness they will realise they worked their *** off for nothing over last 20 years... It's good if you end up with a well off partner but if not it ll be public school for kids and a rental house at best on one income .... Yes the DH is on his *** ATM but hip sulky things will pick up one day and he will contribute like he did before - mind you better economy will not solve the sexless or miss arable or unhappy part ...... But then again at least kids will get a good education and some inheritance .... I think u right - visit to a good lawyer is in order ....

I thought I'd be taken to the cleaners, but it might not shake out so badly for me in my state. So yeah, I'd meet up with a lawyer first to be sure what you're looking at. At least then you'll have a realistic snapshot on which to base your choices.

This is something i have given much thought too myself. Like you i am the bread winner. Fortunately things have improved for me but i did conclude that if i was ever to seperate and based on the lagal advice given to me i would suffer short term $$$$ loss but in time i would be able to rebuild much better $$$ without the added weight of supporting someone and their stupid spending.

So i have concluded i would rather be poor and happy than comfortable and miserable. We only get one life.

Stay Strong & good Luck

Yes, cut your loses from someone that spends like a drunken sailor. I did and while I am not rolling in money there is light at the end of the tunnel. My kids will eventually grown up be on there own and have to sink or swim. I will help with college the best I can, but eventually they will have to leave the nest and fly on there own.