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Who Would Ever Thought

I've been coming on and off to this site trying to find comfort and answers to my questions.

I've been reading other stories trying to find a logical explanation a proof that my story is different, that indeed it can end or continue a positive way.

Im trying to find a line a glance of hope to hang on a little longer.

But in fact it is 1 am in the morning and yet again im sleeping on the couch.

Im 34. Dont look a day older than 28:), curvy but not fat, not chubby, would even be considered gorgeous in the 60's. Have a high sex drive, not insanely high to keep up with, not high enough to win a nimphomaniac marathon, just high enough no to met by my husband.


He has a low sex drive, as according to me. According to him he was /depressed/ had anxiety/ the meds are to blame/ he shuts down/ he will get better and everything will be perfect.
Yes he means it. Seriously sounds like he believes in it.

And seriously the more he tells me the more annoyed i become.

Its a roller coaster  as my love fades (and yes that pinky bubbly cloudy feeling does start to fade with all the rejections, unanswered questions, the fights i create to let some of it out, ) the harder it takes to make myself believe that it can change for the better.
There is a cycle. Of questioning, looking for answers, blaming myself, feeling (and at times even believing  unattractive, trying to find solutions, therapy  emails, talks, fights, sleepless nights in the couch, turning heads away at the slightest affections on tv. Toying with the idea of an affair, a one night stand with a complete stranger  a divorce, more /better therapy, sucking it up and focusing on other important areas of life, moving on, taking it day by day, feeling grateful that this is the "biggest problem we have" not like others with real serious issues (health, violence etc".)
Rejecting offers from other men, hunting for compliments, flirts, just to make sure that there are maybe some who would have sex with me. Only for the sex sake of it. Even if only what they see in me is just the object of their desire.
Fantasizing of having sex. Feeling quilty of that fantasy and feeling even more quilter not being able to fantasize of having sex with my husband.

Maybe the last line is the most telling one. Maybe my mind knows it better, it shut itself down.
I do think we are heading towards divorce. He tells me to stop being so negative.

I think of him being alone, living a rest of his life without a companion.
Not wishing this for him, dont get me wrong.
It breaks my heart to think of him that way.

We were to have kids. Impossible idea. It would be highly irresponsible in a sexless marriage.
But yet again, first we should have sex.

Another day with sadness lingering in the air, an act of pretending which would qualify for an oscar.
A sleepless night on the couch.


Yes on the other hand im fun, bubbly, charming, with a strong sexual vibe and great sense if humor. But at night on the couch in the dark im just hurt.


( & sorry for all the typos, typing it on my phone:) yes in the dark. Reporting from the couch:)) )
Whywhenwho Whywhenwho 26-30, F 15 Responses Nov 26, 2012

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Whywhenwho, please do not have kids with this guy, sorry if this sounds harsh (I live in a sexless marriage, and we have kids)! It will be a disservice to them. My vote is to dump him. If you are not able to do that and want to stay in the relationship for other reasons, get your sex outside from somebody else. Have a fling! But don't waste your living days fretting and hurting. I hope you find your happiness. Peace.

Not a chance for kids. I hope i wil always have this clarity about this.
I openly told him, that we wont have kids until I am sure we have a solid sex life / base for that. I also told him i this does not get better / be good within a reasonable time we need to part as obiously at some point i do want to have children, and it seems like i dont get any younger:)
No you were not harash at all, just open and direct, and I appreciate it.:)

And im sorry for the typos, my grammar / spelling is not this bad, im just typing on my phone:)

I know it might be hard but eventually you are going to leave him. Don't waste more years deciding when though....

I think so to. (About leaving him)
It breaks my heart knowing that it could have been great, but have to accept the fact that certain things are beyond my control.)

I feel the same way. My wife has a low sex drive and it takes its toll. I know she loves me and wouldn't cheat...but my **** gets so hard at times I go nuts. Its frustrating beating off all the time when a very sexy woman cuddles with you nightly..I feel your pain....

Poor girl. Its almost inconceivable to me that a female with your fine attributes could live alone. I'm just the opposite I would appreciate sex but the wifty refuses. So withs a kind person to do? I've flipped my lid and gone over to the far side. Cross dressing? Transgender heaven. If you can't get her to give it up. Just flip over and start bringing fun people in from the outside.

Wow. Thank you for sharing. Your story touched a lot of sore points for me. I'm sitting with a SM but it comes from both of us. Mostly him for last 5 years though. Also have no kids. Apparently you don't get pregnant without any sex.... I'm almost 36 and very healthy,active and attractive. But due to my co-dependency I don't leave. I'm working on this and one day hope to report that I have finally made the move. Your story reminds me that as much as I try to fool myself in to thinking that the sex issue is the only one, its a big issue and all the money and comfort on the world won't make up for living like a nun for years on end.

keep reading some more, it sure helps me when I am down.

You will find many here whom your story is exactly ours.

I could have written this story numerous times in my 30 years of a sexless marriage with the exception that I was an idiot and brought children into the mix.
The fact that you can still think with some clarity is a plus.

We feel your pain and understand it.

For me and a few others we have found hope, but our hope is stemmed from partners who have heard us and responded well. I have just had this past week and 1/2 another "talk" with my H. It was one of what seems a MILLION TALKS over the years but for some crazy reason he heard me. I do not know what I said that evoked what seems to be true empathy for my hurt and pain as well as sorrow for his behaviour. He has made a complete turn around. I do know coming to this site, reading reading and reading has helped me. I feel it did help me shuffle through all the emotions and have a clear concise explanation of exactly how the rejection has effected me to devastating levels. He heard me.

READ READ READ...and as Baz says "tread your own path"

We are here for you.

I feel for you. So many of the things you stated here are the same sentiments I've thought or expressed before.

WWW, I know very well that awful feeling that you are deserting someone for whom you care very deeply. It goes entirely against every fibre of your being to leave your husband alone and lonely. . . .

But actually, I finally worked out that this is a co-dependent reaction. (Read up on co-dependency if you want to know more.) I assumed that I was integral to his happiness and that without me he could not be happy. That is taking on TOO much responsibility for another person - a co-dependent trait.

In fact my Ex is alone - by his choice. I know he is often lonely - again, he chooses this rather than do something about it. I have finally accepted that my Ex is a human being in his own right with his own choices - and that I am not responsible for those. I still care about him deeply and it saddens me that he makes these choices which, in my opinion, do not enhance his life.

But the reality is - that is MY opinion! He obviously prefers to remain in this situation rather than make choices which would change that situation. That is his right.

I also finally accepted that it was NOT my responsibility to live an unhappy life in order for him to live a happy one. I hope that you too will be able to recognise this and move forward with your own life.

I didn't leave until I was fifty seven. Please don't wait as long as that!! {{{hugs}}}

You are so right. I must have some co-dependency issues.
I do feel responsible for his happiness, when I should only feel responsible for my own.
Funny, when i think of "being in love" back when I was a teenager, I was always afraid of others falling in love with me, as the first word that came to my mind was ; "this is a huge responsibility"....

I wasn't expecting responses, I wasn't expecting reactions. (Yes I know, this is also the purpose of this site, I just did not think of my story being so "unusual" to receive any kind of a reaction). I am simply touched by you, all of you, taking the time to read it, and comment it. I appreciate it .

I know "The Cycle" exactly that you speak of. Sucks!

You are heading towards the divorce. You seem to have a handle on the situation too.

Keep reading on here you will find something of value.

Oh, and in response to this:

-----"I think of him being alone, living a rest of his life without a companion."

Not to worry. The remarriage rates are very high and the majority of people eventually remarry again and again (if the second one does not work out).

You know you tell your feelings just how I feel! Well done.

My wife battled depression , well still does, however she finally got to the root of her problem and was able to come off of her meds and it has made no difference in her sex drive.

I feel the reason for her lack of desire is psychological and there is not anything I can do with that.

I have my share of trying to talk with her about it with nothing for results other than I've had sex with you a couple times over the few months! I thought I was doing better! Well throw the dog a bone!

I'm tired of wagging my tail as well!

I've thought of the girlfriend idea but just can not do the drama and I don't need something to pull my thoughts from what I need to deal with here at home.

I suggest to you here is to stay your course with therapy and for your sake I hope you don't find a codependency issue within yourself as I have.

I hope your H does a lot more therapy as well.

Take a look at his fam unit and how they interact between ea other and you just might see some of the obvious in as to why is he the way he is. Our parents screw us up, not knowing and we get older not knowing what, why and how we have become who we are and why we struggle so.

Not all depression is situational and in the case of your H if he's not talking about a situation driving his despair then it is of something much more complicated and there you are caretaker doing the hard work that I have done for 17 years with no reward other than me doing without! Oh the bone, that to!

This site will give you a lot of support and ideas to run thru your mind.

I wish you so much luck, and all those typo errors in your post, are you using my phone? Lol
I do that all of the time, I gave up on trying to get my phone t cooperate with my fingers.

Hang in there, your young and of all things you want to make this experience in your life matter because if you cut and run you don't not want to get back in to another bad relationship as I have.

You should have sex.
...I will note that lack of sex makes my depression worse.
...If you leave him...and he's alone, that isn't your responsibility. His choice not to pursue companionship.

...I said about the STBX: She needs to marry another asexual who likes to argue a lot.

The idea of not bringing a kid into this dysfunctional situation suggests that you are thinking relatively clearly (Dysfunctional marriages usually **** with your head, get you thinking weird ****, and making uninformed choices) which is good.

Further, you seem to have a good handle on where this is heading.

Might be best to help this along to that destination rather than railing against it, trying to fix it, trying to endure it any longer than is absolutely necessary.

Tread your own paqth.