Who Would Ever ThoughtI've been coming on and off to this site trying to find comfort and answers to my questions.
I've been reading other stories trying to find a logical explanation a proof that my story is different, that indeed it can end or continue a positive way.
Im trying to find a line a glance of hope to hang on a little longer.
But in fact it is 1 am in the morning and yet again im sleeping on the couch.
Im 34. Dont look a day older than 28:), curvy but not fat, not chubby, would even be considered gorgeous in the 60's. Have a high sex drive, not insanely high to keep up with, not high enough to win a nimphomaniac marathon, just high enough no to met by my husband.
He has a low sex drive, as according to me. According to him he was /depressed/ had anxiety/ the meds are to blame/ he shuts down/ he will get better and everything will be perfect.
Yes he means it. Seriously sounds like he believes in it.
And seriously the more he tells me the more annoyed i become.
Its a roller coaster as my love fades (and yes that pinky bubbly cloudy feeling does start to fade with all the rejections, unanswered questions, the fights i create to let some of it out, ) the harder it takes to make myself believe that it can change for the better.
There is a cycle. Of questioning, looking for answers, blaming myself, feeling (and at times even believing unattractive, trying to find solutions, therapy emails, talks, fights, sleepless nights in the couch, turning heads away at the slightest affections on tv. Toying with the idea of an affair, a one night stand with a complete stranger a divorce, more /better therapy, sucking it up and focusing on other important areas of life, moving on, taking it day by day, feeling grateful that this is the "biggest problem we have" not like others with real serious issues (health, violence etc".)
Rejecting offers from other men, hunting for compliments, flirts, just to make sure that there are maybe some who would have sex with me. Only for the sex sake of it. Even if only what they see in me is just the ob
Fantasizing of having sex. Feeling quilty of that fantasy and feeling even more quilter not being able to fantasize of having sex with my husband.
Maybe the last line is the most telling one. Maybe my mind knows it better, it shut itself down.
I do think we are heading towards divorce. He tells me to stop being so negative.
I think of him being alone, living a rest of his life without a companion.
Not wishing this for him, dont get me wrong.
It breaks my heart to think of him that way.
We were to have kids. Impossible idea. It would be highly irresponsible in a sexless marriage.
But yet again, first we should have sex.
Another day with sadness lingering in the air, an act of pretending which would qualify for an oscar.
A sleepless night on the couch.
Yes on the other hand im fun, bubbly, charming, with a strong sexual vibe and great sense if humor. But at night on the couch in the dark im just hurt.
( & sorry for all the typos, typing it on my phone:) yes in the dark. Reporting from the couch:)) )