Change Is Hard

while i do appreciate all of these stories and can see that there are alot of people living in the same situation as i am. i have to say that it has not made me feel alot better knowing that there are other people living this way.

i suppose i will just keep taking in other peoples stories and thoughts until i either start to feel like im making progress towards changing my life of learn how to deal with it.
nkymm nkymm
46-50, M
2 Responses Nov 26, 2012

<p>Almost everyone comes here for the same reason - to find the "magic bullet" answer. I know I was looking for that when I arrived here four years ago. I had tried EVERYTHING I could think of to change my sexless marriage - and nothing had worked.</p><p>At that time I did not know the things I have now learnt from ILIASM:</p><p>1) that there are thousands (millions?) of people in sexless marriages<br />
2) that there is NO "magic bullet" answer<br />
3) that I could not change the way my marriage worked unless my husband wanted to AND committed himself to the effort<br />
4) that no-one is to blame in (most of) these situations - it is simply a matter of being incompatible. (NB. There are some notable exceptions to this, but in general, our Refusers are decent people - just without the same needs we have.)<br />
5) that it is NOT just about sex (although that is a vitally important integral part!) but about intimacy, passion, connection . . . <br />
6) that I had genuine needs and did not need to feel as if I was "strange" or unacceptable for having these needs<br />
7) that the same was true for my spouse - but his needs were NOT my needs<br />
8) that the only person who could change my life was ME<br />
9) that in order to do so, I would need to accept that the choices were NOT between "good" and "bad" (or right and wrong) but between "bad" and "worse"!<br />
10) that you only get ONE life - and you need to make that count - even if it means making hard choices.</p><p>I hope that, as you travel this well worn road, you will see these sign posts and accept them into your own life. What you decide to DO about them is entirely down to you.</p>

Change can also be easy, and happen in a moment.

For instance, the moment when you say, never again, this shall not be, and mean it.

Of course, the consequences of that change can be fearful, and take time, hard work and determination.