Verbally Abusive

Went to the docs this morning for a depression check up and to deal with my cough. Described my relationship and the GP wrote down on the screen 'verbally abusive partner'. I don't know why it makes me happy, but it does. It's documented.

I'm starting to learn how to shrug it off a bit better, but lately he's got me with a few zingers. He's started criticising me through my son, saying things like "Mommy's not very good at that..." or "That was very silly of mommy, wasn't it?" The other day I was walking through to the kitchen and the first thing he says to me all morning was "Once a day is enough." I didn't know what he was talking about, so I asked him. He said "Once a day is enough to tell ____ [our son] you love him. You're a bit excessive." For days, every time I told my son I loved him, that echoed in my mind.
elkclan elkclan
41-45, F
13 Responses Nov 26, 2012

Sorry, I missed this one. I'll echo one of the previous postings, "what an arse". The idea that you shouldn't tell people you love, that you love them...!? Your own children!? This crap's self perpetuating.

What an arse. But you already know that.

Personally, with the jerk that he is, I wouldn't feel the slightest twinge of guilt to pack bags and head stateside with a one way ticket...

You are fighting a rearguard action here, trying to provide worthwhile male role models for your son (via his sporting interests) and doing a great job as a nurturing mother. All this despite the dead weight of a drone you are having to carry too.

But it appears that, at last, the end game is starting to unfold. Don't be too surprised if the momentum picks up real quick pretty soon.

Tread your own path.

I'm sorry but to be honestwith you, at this moment, I'm glad he's not my husband cause I can honestly say I would have already neutered him so he couldn't procreate ever again and hit him upside the head with a frying pan for good measure! Sorry :( It just irks me that a man should have to stoop so low to make a woman feel like she's nothing so he can feel better about himself. He's nothing but a bully and gets away with it because he thinks he can. You are a string woman and you need to stand up for yourself and your son. Ignore him and don't let him see that what he says bothers you. Speak your mind when you're alone with him and by all means send him packing. You and your son deserve better than the way he's been treating you. Document everything. Don't leave it to chance. And when you do decide to divorce him make sure your lawyer/attorney knows everything. Good luck to you and your son. I'll keep y'all in my prayers. Oh and a momma can never say I LOVE YOU enough times in a day to her kids. So say as much as you want :)

Sorry for the misspelled words. Kinda hard with t9 on my cellphone. And I meant you're a STRONG woman.

Tell your son you love him more than you have been.

If it is legal in your jurisdiction, I suggest you audio-record your interactions with an eye to mining for provable asshattery later on the part of hubby.
If you can't do that, write down what he says, with date and time.

...This sounds like your husband may be trying to "split" the kiddo away from you.

...Or maybe he just randomly sh!ts on everyone around him verbally.


I think your husband may well one day be inaugurated into the corridors of sh1thood as one of the anointed ones. He may even make it as a bishopric of that exalted species.

Reading your post the sobering thought that occurred to me is that in principle well-off parents pay to send their abusive and violent sons to private school as well. This is the country after all that gave rise to Tom Brown and all that and there have been enough scandals surrounding some private schools to suggest that in practice they mostly need to keep their heads down and not sh1t-stir too much. Just imagine the Bullingdon Boys in full flow.

And sometimes those abusive boys grow up and become abusive fathers and husbands. They just do it with a carefully cultivated accent that gives it a sort of air of respectability.

Sometimes you spend extra in order to gain some greater influence over future events but discover that in the end it was just an illusion. Life really can be nothing more than a lottery, no matter how you approach it.

I really don't know whether that thought has any merit whatsoever. I just thought I would share it anyway.

I wasn't wedded to the idea of private school. I was going to send him the local state school where I had served as a governor since before he was born. It wasn't a great school and it wasn't a good fit for him. But he didn't get in. The place we were offered....let's just say I burst into tears when I found out. It simply isn't a safe place for a young child. But I have to admit, I really like the school he's at.

I understand. The quality of your son's education and a safe living environment (neighborhood) is important. However your son's still young and at his level, an engaged parent helping him with his school work, is more important than the quality of education he recieves at school. I would add a separation / divorce may likely be harder than you could ever image on your son. Even a do nothing father or ***** donor gets elevated to sainthood.

I hear you Elk, I hear you. I went to an all-boys grammar school through what was effectively a selection process. Despite that 'privilege' I had a pretty miserable experience, probably worse than I realised at the time. Ironically, I probably suffered more intimidation and violence from the teachers than I ever did from any of my peers and there was enough of that as it was. We are talking about the 1970s though.

All you can do is to observe him and listen to him for any warning signs, not that there is anything going on, but it is possible for it to be and for you not to be aware. My parents were totally unaware, primarily because I never told them, didn't even fully understand it myself. Little boys are good at hiding things like that because that is what little boys think they are expected to do; suck it up, especially if they observe burdens elsewhere.

You have enough problems on your hands as it is.

The post about private schools is ill-informed and reflects more about the personal experience and prejudice of the writer than anything else.

No joke. I moved around a lot as a kid. I went to private schools and state schools. Private schools were awesome and the state schools were a real mixed bag. Some great, some awful. I was never consistently bullied at private schools - which did happen to me at state schools. Not to put too fine a point on it, the state school he got a place at is simply UNSAFE. Ofsted reports indicate kids don't feel safe there. My H is on a local safer neighbourhoods team and we get the crime stats. It's a scary area. My son would be one of the few native English speakers at the school. Talk about a target for bullying. (Although my son can pass for Eastern European in appearance, so maybe not the worst case scenario.) My son is bright and friendly but high-energy and low-concentration. He enjoys mischief. He needs to be run hard every day or he gets wild. Boys (in particular) like that suffer in large classrooms. The school he's at caters to middle-class, high-energy boys. He has lots of friends and while I do believe there's bullying in the schoolyard, he's not the target (this doesn't make it any better and I feel sick for that kid and tell my son and the other boys every chance I get to be nicer).

I guess the only point of even considering this stuff (why change if he's doing ok?), is if there's a realistic prospect of being able to get out of your situation earlier. If you didn't have the fees, and could get a better state school (which implies moving I guess) - might that be an option, so that you weren't dependent on getting work? But these changes would be heaping a whole load of stress on you.

FWIW, I think the current state education system does not serves boys well, and that is backed by their poorer results overall, and the ineffective attempts they have had at changing the inequality.

3 More Responses

<p>You will NOT repeat with your son what your mother did to you. Your mother, like mine, had needs she could not get met and thus was unable to truly fulfill the role of mother. For those reasons, she lent on you in ways that were inappropriate. My mother did the same.</p><p>YOU are not (and will not) make the same mistake. That is a fear he is trying to induce in you. Reject the truth of this as you do all the other untruths he foists on you.</p><p>Elk, remind me why you can't leave please? IMO nothing (NOTHING!) is worth staying in this abusive situation. Evcen if you have to move into a Women's Shelter, it would HAVE to be better than living in this hugely toxic environment. {{{Hugs}}}</p>

private school.

My son can only get a place at a state school where kids feel unsafe. I don't feel safe in the neighbourhood it's in - I'm not sending a 5 yr old there. As soon as I get a job again - it's D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Good to hear. But can you not move to another district?

£££ - plus no guarantee of a decent place when we get there. I have friends whose 6 yr old son has NO place at all. He's being home schooled while they complain and go through the system and wait for a place to open. It's dreadful.

I'm so sorry. That is awful!!

1 More Response

I've wanted to slap your H, and not in a good way, and that feeling returns yet again.

Yes, get it ALL documented. Go back to the doctor and ask if there's anyone you can talk to about the abuse, explain how it is causing you to get depressed, etc. You may need all that when it comes to custody/access/support....

I've read some of your stories and my heart breaks for you. Children sometimes repeat patterns they see their parents do and I'm hoping your son doesn't pick up negative traits from either one of you. joke. My marriage is a repeat of my in-laws' marriage. Genders reversed, though.

No surprises there...they say if you want to know what the future holds, just look at the past. Recovery is key. You've got to learn how to take care of and love yourself first.

Seriously? I tell my children I love them mamy, many times a day. And yes, as aggravating as he is, I tell my hubby too.

Not your excess, his poverty.

I know! But it's a sore spot for me. My mother used me as emotional support during her various crises in a way that was far beyond my maturity. So I'm constantly afraid that I might lean on my son in an emotionally inappropriate way.

All these things are chipping away - wrongly - at your confidence to be yourself. I don't get the sense at all that you're the smothering sort, nor that you'd impose on him for support. I don't think there's any way of hiding your pain though, and maybe that's a good thing, it will help him understand in future.

Telling your child you love him is giving. Expecting your child to support and love you and/or demanding he be your support system is what your mom did. I see no evidence you are doing that to him. My mother did the same thing to me and I worried for a while that I was doing that to my kids. Then one day after lamenting on it my ex said to me "No WAY! You are not your mother. All you do is give love to them. It would be good for them to be expected to give to you a little more." My ex wasn't all bad. And he had a point. Sometimes we go so far the opposite from the mistakes we see that our parents made that we make the OTHER mistake and don't just have balance. Your son can give you age and developmentally appropriate support on some things. I actually have no concerns that you know that line and abide by it. Having a similar history I know how vigilant we can become about those sorts of things.

<p>Elklan, yes, and the diagnosis is no doubt "situational" depression. In other words, if you weren't stuck with this ... person ... you'd be fine. And keep telling your kid you love him, as often as you want, as often as he needs it. It's important. </P><br />
<p>Sending you the biggest possible virtual hug.</P>

I'm prone to depression anyway. I had a bad, bad bout of it earlier this year that I can't lay entirely on situational depression (other triggers, too). At this point, I'm medicated, much recovered, but still depressed. I believe my depression at this point is mostly situational. Think I probably need some CBT to get past some of the negative thinking, so I can get out of the situation.

He uses you to build himself up because he has a low self esteem.

Tell hom so and to not teach such bullshi*
To a young mind that does not understand the abuse!

Leave the kid out of it.