Kaeco Checking-in: Part Ii

Hey everyone, sorry I have not written in a while. I have been overseeing the care of my friend’s dog who had to have surgery. And because of the type of dog and the surgery I couldn’t leave her alone at the time.

So here’s what is happening. I finally talked to my ex via phone to break up as I want closure, and he wanted to be able to tell me how sorry he was and that he sees now what happened.

We have had more than one conversation, I have to lump it together.
In the beginning of our talking he was relieved to hear from me his voice was all shaking up. And then he asks why I didn’t tell him it was getting to this point that I was leaving and why I didn’t tell him I was leaving.

I told him how could I tell you when I feared you. I said, to him you had told me over the phone in a calm voice that (we were not even on good terms at this point) you could not let me go, it would be too easy, that you would want some sort of reciprocation, and then there was a pause and you said now I know why man kills. I said the day you told me that I packed my bags and waited to leave. He says he doesn’t remember saying that to me.
He wanted to know how I felt before leaving and after leaving I said I was fearful, paranoid, and after leaving I feel relieved.

At times I didn’t know why he was abusive and mean by my viewpoint. There were ideas I had of what I felt could be things why he behaved the way he did, and he brought them up.

He brought up his control issues and how he wanted me to have a system was wrong he sees I have my own way to work, He also said he was feeling insecure and he didn’t know it and that he sees how he was projecting his hurt, pain and insecurities onto me. Also he sees how he has problem handling feeling vulnerable so he he lashes out when he got that way.

His father at times would try to control him,
(he hated it and at one point, would not talk and see his father)
when it came to his potential career path, future and he brought up how he was repeating some of the same things his father did to him onto me.

I asked him about his family life growing up. He said he was blessed with a very loving family. Sure his mother and father were always working and his grandmother raised him mostly as a child.

He said he really wants to enjoy me as he truly sees me, and also now he see that I am the one. He said he was confused a lot. He said his mind would overrule his heart and he would keep questioning us me and him. And even at times he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me. (I didn’t know he doubted being with me.)

I told him I didn’t understand the mind overruling the heart and he then said he was being f*****- up and irrational.

He said, he told his parents everything except the physical abuse. He says if I want him to tell them about it he will do so.

He said he took me for granted and treated me terrible and he says he knows I am the one. And he loves me and he really wants the chance to show me he has changed.

I told him I’m a different person now, I don’t love him, I don’t feel anything for him. Sure I have some care for you as a friend but that is it. He keeps asking if there is any way I can give him another chance just to open my heart a little. I told him no. I said it would be even selfish of me to give it another shot, knowing well you are going to pull all the stops to show you have changed and my heart won’t be there, I’ll be rigid and cold and that is a recipe for disaster.

We have had more than one phone conversation, and in three of them he would not respect my request for not revealing where I was and who my friend(s) were that have been helping me. He did let up on the friend request with finally saying it really doesn’t matter but with my where about.
He was trying to fish, at first he used the missing persons report as a reason to needing to know. I said oh it’s not necessary, I know a little bit about how the MI report works so I explained it to him. He said geez you have everything planned out I said no not really. I just know how a little how the MI report works because my own mother had threatened me in an email to file one if I didn’t give her a phone call.

Then it would be normal talking what are you doing how’s your day then, he would ask straight out where am I and because I would not say where I was his response was geez, I can’t even know where you are at ? I won’t find you. Is his answer. I said I know, I just want to leave out any temptation and it makes me feel better. He has not asked again since.

The last conversation we had was last night he’s still begging for a chance he says, I can leave if I’m not happy. He just wants a note that says goodbye if I decide to leave without telling him.

He has said he’s afraid he will lose me forever and will regret it for the rest of his life, he says he feels empty without me he walks around does not know what to do. He says he doesn’t feel whole. I have told him he can’t love me if he doesn’t love himself first and he needs to fill himself up not me. I don’t know if this got through to him or not.

He has told me he will get counseling and that we can go together. Sure I believe he has seen “the light.” I just don't know how much of it...

I don’t know if this the right thinking but, I feel if he really felt bad with all that he did that his conscience would get the best of him and he would respect my wishes, because out of love (that hurts) he would want to do something right for a change and, out of respect and love for me, let me go.

What are everyone’s thoughts. I feel done with him. Does anyone think I should just stay away, or try to give him a chance to show me.
I would love to hear all of your blunt thoughts.
Thank you X O X O !!
KaeCo KaeCo
26-30
10 Responses Nov 26, 2012

Do not give in. Manipulative monsters do not change, at least not that fast.

Concur!

No. First he hits you, then he stalks you? You could end up dead in a ditch. From: http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Hoovering.html<br />
<br />
"....Manipulative abusers are often adept at giving their victims enough of what they want to keep them where they want them. Even slave owners know that they have to feed them enough to keep them healthy and productive..."<br />
<br />
....He's trying to suck you back in by playing nicey-nicey.<br />
I recommend nosing around that site, you may recognize your ex.

I read the link you posted, very telling.. I will be adding this to my own info, thank you !!!

Stay gone.

PLEASE stay gone.

People rarely change, and they certainly do NOT change in the space of a couple of weeks. Intensive therapy might help him, over a period of some years. Scrub him.

Tread your own path.

Thank you, I am staying gone. I'm talking to my old friends from FB who I have not spoken to in years, and I'm slowly widening my net of support. I don't doubt he will try to find me. And I will do whatever it takes to protect myself.

It isn't extraordinary to come from a dysfunctional family, but it IS extraordinary to beat someone physically.

He may have all kinds of reasons for getting pissed off at you. I get pissed off at my wife all the time. Couples in conflict provoke each other, say nasty things, sometimes slam doors, storm out, give an icy silent treatment, cut off sex, flirt with each other's friends, pick their nose, leave their socks around, stack the dishwasher wrong, argue - sometimes in front of the kids. They go out and have affairs and they have all manner of ways to unfurl their dysfunction and conflict whilst engaging in various forms of marital sadism.

But somehow they do it without hitting each other, most of them. Because for most couples, THAT is the line they draw.

The remorse he is feeling is the result of the consequence you have imposed, which is possibly slowly teaching him a lesson in power. Unfortunate that in cases of such severity, your only power is a nuclear option -- to leave. If you don't use it, then there will be no consequence. If you go back, the message to him is that he can beat you, but if he cries or begs, you will return to this dangerous situation.

My guess is that when you ask him not to call you again, and when you stop returning his calls and engaging him in this discussion, that you will soon see the other behavior again. He thinks he has a chance right now. It will be most dangerous for you, when he finally realizes he doesn't.

Please don't go back. You need to break this cycle. You go back, and you will be in the hospital, and he will be in jail. Staying away is best for BOTH of you. Going back complicates things.

Thank you all for responding, I will be back with another update of what is happening. It really means alot to me for everyone's response. Take Care and talk to you all again soon.

You be careful! Have an escape plan...I still think you should talk to the nearest Women's shelter...they can move you around and put you in a secure location if needed.

"He says he doesn’t feel whole."

Oh it's still all about HIM. Reading this, I get that from your conversation with him.

DO NOT GO BACK WITH HIM. He is just upset he couldn't hold onto you.

Look up "PSYCHOPATHOLOGY". He is a classic psychopath. You are VERY SMART to not give away your location.

In my heart I think you would be in great danger if he found you.

"In my heart I think you would be in great danger if he found you."

YES!!!

I agree one hundred percent with the other posters. This man is desperate to get you back - under his control! He will say or do anything until you respond to his request. Once you do, the old issues will be back AND they will ber much worse. Now he will watch you every minute and control everything you do to an even GREATER extent.

If he truly loved you, he would say what my Ex said:
"I am so very sad that you feel you can't live with me anymore. But I don't want you to stay if that makes you unhappy." Your Ex wants you back because HE wants that - he is totally disregarding what YOU want. A very dangerous and serious RED FLAG!!

Do not tell him where you are. I also suggest you change your phone number. Send him an email address where he can contact you if needed. That way you can respond only if and when YOU think it is necessary.

Stay AWAY! This is typical for abusive dynamics. He will be sorry, sorry, sorry until you come back to him at which point you will have wronged him for leaving and you will be in his wrath again. He needs years of counseling before he will ever be a decent partner to anyone and by then, you will have had counseling and will be in a healthier place. Go, keep going. Don't stop. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

LOL, with the monopoly gesture. Thanx I needed that! I think you have hit the nail on the head. Thank you!

Stay far, far away from him. I am so proud of you for standing your ground and not giving in to him. I can smell his manipulation a mile away. You are so much better off to get rid of him. He's a ticking time bomb, IMO.

He is very manipulative and he knows it, yet he doesn't even realize when he is using it, becuase, well it's all for his gain.. I will stay away. I just want this to be over. I stopped smoking for a while, and now it looks I'll be smoking tonight. :/

NOOOOOOO!!!!

Do not give him another chance. Nope. No way. He is bad and dangerous for you.

Your best chance of happiness is to work on why this bad relationship crept up on you and how you can avoid that in future.

His BEST chance of happiness is to work on his issues and find someone else. I honestly believe that if he gets back with you he'll get back to his old patterns.

AAALLLriiiight!! I agree with you 110%. He will get comfortable and the old ways will return, and besides I have really moved on, and I feel really happy for the first time in years. Thank you!!