Confusion Sets In, This Is No Easy Thing To Deal With

even after being here for months and taking all the advice in, I am still confused as to what to do

I was making an exit plan and started to proceed. She cut me off with showing she wants to make it work. tears are hard to deal with and maybe this is why so many go so long with the process of dealing with it. too much invested? yeah the coke machine now has diet instead of what I want.

I was certain about things before but she wanted to hang out and I was at the fire drinking the night away. for the past week we tried to have sex. She let me try new things. I keep being reminded that it should have been this way and lost interest do to me being angry about all those lost years. She thinks a sex therapist will help or maybe she just has no desire and needs a third party to tell her this.

Many comment by her are bout the family, kids, and expenses. notice there is no mention of US in it. Not wanting to real between the lines too much but seems she stated her needs.

She has an issue with wanting sex. Says it feel good but has no need to ****** and wants me to be happy. She is letting me have sex. she wont come and does not get into it. Lots of it like being with a blowup doll with arms that move some times. I dont feel good doing it and cant finish. I want her to want sex not just make time to make me happy. I told her I need time alone for now and we meet with a therapist soon.

I really want to have passion, hear laughter and heavy breathing as I caress her spots, see the look of desire in her eyes, be able to do it and not plan it out.

i cant forget the past and have trouble forgiving everything

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3 Responses Nov 26, 2012

Tears, begging, promises to change... yes, they're very hard to deal with. It added an extra few years to the misery I was stuck in (and to be cynical, but truthful, an extra few 100k to my W's settlement - not that she ever thought about it like that, she swears it, and she's saddened that I even say things like that...).

This union is toast.

That doesn't mean you HAVE to leave, but it would seem highly desirable thing to do if you have any ambitions of a meaningful relationship in your future. Get yourself available for it.

Tread your own path.

<p>Knotty, it IS sad. The truth is that you and your wife want and need different things from marriage. That is nobody's fault - it is just that, sadly, you two are incompatible.</p><p>Your wife will never understand the reality of what you need because it is outside her reality. She will think "giving" you sex is all that is needed - but we on ILIASM know it is about so much MORE than that. She will never understand why what she offers is not "enough" because she is simply unaware of the extra dimensions you seek . . . .</p><p>Unfortunately I think sex therapy will only prolong your agony. A person cannot become something they are NOT, no matter how much they may wish that were possible. You may wish you could accept what she has to offer without missing what she cannot give - but it is most unlikely you can settle for that. She may wish she could give you what you seek, but there is no evidence that this is possible.</p><p>Maybe you need to consider the "cruel to be kind" option and opt out NOW - before you each invest time, energy and tears (to say nothing of money!) in a scenario that is unlikely to bear the fruit you both are seeking.</p><p>OTOH, if you are totally honest and upfront with your therapist she/he may be able to help your wife accept the situation. Sometimes an ob<x>jective third party gets the message across more effectively than those in the situation can. Best of luck.</p>